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Dear little hoes,

just to let you know,

he'll always love me first,

and you all last.

He's unfiathful,

hurting, unloyal,

and now my eyes are burning full of hate.

I wish he had done me some other way.

but see,

what does to me,

he'll do to you,

it took me six years to see,

that he'll the player-hater's fool.

Over and over i'm hurt,

and he's left me empty.

so now u can have him,

because i've got no sympathy.

I hope that you read this some day,

and realize what you've done to me,

you, us, and chris.

I don't care,

I'm wrathful for this.

and I can't believe that you've done this.

Yes your right,

my words of passion,

will alway fight,

but not for you.

I give up.

I'm through,

now though,

it's tme that you're one the one to bruse.

I've ended up in hospitals,

jail, and the insainasylm for you.

It's time that I find my way through,

past all of this, and you.

CAN'T YOU SEE I'M DONE AND I'M THROUGH!!!!!

Thank god I am home for the night. �I had to ride the bike to do all the things that I�had to do and it killed me. �I am hurting so bad and can't wait to go to bed.� I just don't want to go to bed so early.� I�have to though get up at like four thirty in the morning so I�can get ready for work and leave by five so I know that I�am safely getting in there.� Well oh well thats what i have to do just to get back and forth to work in the morning till i get my license.� Well�I�have to work from six to 12 and then i am going to see frank for an hour and then i am going to come home for the night.� I don't know but I can't do this ride until i get used to it.� But I will get it down.� Got to run.

������ I am so fuckin tired of not having money. First we don't have enough to pay for the house, which I have come to terms with and accepted that we're gonna have to move. Now we have to cancel everything cause my mom broke her foot and her doctor is charging the maximum permited by law. So pretty much everytime she goes to the doctor (once every two weeks) she has to pay $200 plus the cost of x-rays. So it may sound selfish but I'm mostly upset about loosing my cell phone. And I'll explain that. I'm in cyber school so I don't get to see people every day and she wants to turn the home phone off too. The only reason we have internet is because I'm in cyber school and they pay for it. On top of that I can't go on most public sites because they are blocked. So it's not like I could talk to my friends on Myspace or somethin like that and my mom has yelled at my best friend enough that she won't just stop over here and I don't feel right just stopping over there because not only is that weird and kinda stalkerish but they're not there most of the time. She normally goes to school, goes home changes, goes to work, and then goes home and goes to bed. So for us to hang out there has to be communication and that can't happen if I don't have a phone. But my mom said that she's gonna keep my phone. She has her own phone but she said shes just gonna keep mine. You know I knew that I wouldn't have friends for long but I just wish the deciding factor wasn't money. Whatever it's over.

i will read book at 07:00am-18:30pm

i�making�will� good teat for tmr "22 Sep 09"

But i have�mum�and dad�live to� me everyday

and everytime

i will not give they�sad

Bcez i love them very much

Buy have a good dream

�

I� am� here��� because� I� have� a� son� I� have� raised� by� myself�� since� 1995� and� what� has� my� EX� done� EXACTLY��� NOTHING.� If� you� want� to� count� moving� from� job� to� job� to� try� to� stay� one� step� ahead� of� me,� so� he� doesn't� have� to� pay� his� Child Support.Because� as� soon� as� he� is� found and� they� start� to� take� money� out� for� Child� Support,� he� either� quits� or� manages� to� get� fired.But� his� one� passion� is� to� sit� in� front� of� a� monitor� and� troll� the� Social� Networking� Sites,� he� has� one� he� particularly� likes,MySpace.And��� he� told� me� this� himself,� that� his� wife� he� married� to� now,� gave� him� her� permission� to� do� so,� because� she� is� unable� to� fufill� her� wifely� duties,� SHE� MUST� BE� CRAZY,RIGHT.So� he� took� her� at� her� word� and� that� is� exactly� what� he� is� doing.And� this� what� I� have� to� say� about� that,I� say� get� yourself� a� job� and� keep� it� and� pay� your� Child� Support.� YOUR� SEX� DRIVE� WILL� HAVE� TO� BE� PUT� ON� A� BACK� BURNER,� OTHER� THINGS� SUCH� AS� PAYING� YOUR� Child� Support� should� be� your� first� priority.But� he� doesn't� see� it� that� way,HE� IS� LETTING� HIS� LITTLE� HEAD� DOING� HIS� THINKING� FOR� HIM.He� would� rather� be� Online� at� MySpace� trying� to� get� to�� someone� to� believe� his� BS. When� we� were� together,I� walked� in� on� him� having� sex� with� a girkl� I� knew� to� be� 14� years� old� and� he� tried� to� explain� away� and� I� don't� care� what� he� said,STAUTORY RAPE� IS� STATUTORY� RAPE.and� now� he� has� a� 14� year� old� girl� on� his� Friends� List� at� MySpace� and� I� want� to� know� what� a� 50� year� old� fat,� ugly� man� would� have� in� common� to� talk� about,hmmmmm.And� the� pic� she� sent� him� of� her� self� is� revealing,its� as� if� someone� took� a� down� the� blouse� shot,� because� all� you� see� is� boobs� popping� out� of� that� blouse.And� when� I� was� a� member� of� MySpace,I� SAID� WHEN,� he� sent� me� PORNOGRAPHIC� PICS� OF� HIMSELF� ENGAGED� IN� SEX� ACTS� WITH� CHILDREN.� I� contacted MySpace and� they� acted� as� if� they� didn't� care,I� also� sent� them� the� pics� he� had� sent� me.Like� I� said� whatever� he� has� written� in� his� profile,� is� not� to� be� believed,� especially� the� line� about� he� wants� to� hear� from� females� 18� and� up A� BALD� FACED� LIE.� I� am��trying �to� let� any� Parent� that� has� a child� there� that� he� is� still� there.This� his� screenname,PleasurePistol� and� his� real� name� is� Donald� Terry� Benson� and� he� resides� in Delaware,Oklahoma.

She thinks that I don’t see her look at me with disgust and disappointment. I’m not exactly sure how much longer I’m gonna be able to keep my temper. I’ve tried to explain to her the severity of my mood swings. I think she thinks I’m exaggerating. I’m not! I get so angry sometimes that I can feel myself loosing control. I can feel the hatred running rampant through my veins and I’m afraid that one of these times it’s gonna reach my heart and I’m gonna loose it. I personally wouldn’t want to be around when that happens. Mostly because I’ve seen my thoughts…I don’t think anyone would be safe. Then I control myself just in time I think that if I didn’t this would have been over a long time ago. The result of my control is my self loathing process that includes the deep sadness of being as disgusted and disappointed in myself as I know she is. Don’t get me wrong I have my ups. They don’t often feel real. I feel like I’m somebody else watching this normal teenage girl actually being happy. Then I hear myself and the anger making its way to the surface and reality kicks in. So if you think about it my ups aren’t real. They’re a front, a mask of normalcy so people don’t get too involved in my real life. I’m regressing now. I used to be able to keep up a good front no one thought anything and were actually surprised when I revealed some truth but now it’s almost obvious. Of course they don’t know the exact truth. Hell, I’m not sure I even do. But they know how angry I am and how sick and twisted my mind can be. I think it worries some people but they blow it off to the normal cynical, dark minded teenage stage that everyone goes through. Little do they know this has been in me for quite sometime. I’m so angry that even my hormonally triggered fantasies are violent. They of course aren’t like corpses and blood but they are teetering on masochistic. The part that’s worse than the situation itself is that nobody knows. Not even the people that I actually care about.

I am so tired.� But its because I had a good day.� First off today started out with me getting up at like 7:00 to call and wake up my grandmother and she ended up calling me and telling me that she was already awake.� Then my mom and I went and took my brother to school because he missed the bus.� Then we came home got ready to go and take my gram to her doctor's appointment. After that we went to eat at this place called John's Hideaway.�It was good. Then my mom dropped me off at my boyfriends house and I woke him up.� His friend was over and I was cleaning the kitchen.� Then his friend leaves and I was still cleaning the kitchen and I hear this Ashley come here.� So I turn around and there he is sitting on the chair with his pants off and around his ankels and he said just come here.� So then we started kissing and then we moved to the couch.� Oh my god did he put it to me good.��He was pulling my hair and giving it to me just the way I like it.� I wish we could just do this all day everyday but he has kids so its kind of hard to. I have to try and get to his house before the kids get out of school or I don't get and that is the shittiest part of the deal. �But atleast I got today because its been like a week or so since we have had it.� But atleast that isn't all we look for in each other.� I�love him so much.� I�love how he talks to me when he is down and I am able to talk to him when I am down. �He cheers me up when I am crying by cracking a joke or just doing somthing to make me smile.� I hate not being with him.� We don't get to spend much time together since I am living with my mother again.� Though I can say since my last relationship that wasn't that great because of the beatings I can say he has made my life a whole of a lot better.� We have our fights here and there but you know if you don't have a fight or everything is just so perfect then something is wrong and�I don't understand them.� I think though that I need to stop jumping to conclusions and just take my relationship to the fullest because he said if he didn't want to be with me he wouldn't be with me. �He got his three kids to worry about then worrying about what I am going to pull next.� I don't try to say anything wrong because I am afraid that its going to start a fight and I don't want that.� I have a friend suppose to be coming over but I will believe it when I see it.�