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swordbearer 56, Male, New York, USA - 9 entries

Jun 2010
8:32 AM EDT

How retirement feels to a man with no money.

It's been a little over 5 weeks since I retired and I see the benefits and shortcomings of living on one's own schedule. I feel the freedom and ability to flex to anything I need or want to do. But at the same time I need to constantly be creating schedules for myself to remain busy and productive, else boredom WOULD set in. I feel no special pressure over what day it is, no Monday blues or Friday anxiousness, no Saturday relief or Sunday resolve to start Monday over again. On the other hand, I feel no days at all. Each day blends into the next and I often forget what day IT IS! I have been exercising more in the gym but I haven't lost any weight because more of my day is spent in front of the computer doing my ministry. I clean the house and cook, a nice little house husband. I hope that there is rewards in heaven for this and that the ministry is blessed because of the work in it. I am socially deprived. My wife constantly goes off to work and I am left with no one to talk to. I am despirate for other folks to talk to. But the good side of that is that I am spared the constant over and over complaining that I heard when I was working. So all in all I am glad I am retired but learning to adapt. It will take a few months but I will get a routine that I can live with because I think the routine is what I miss most. A lonely Swordbearer.

Tags: busy, lonely, retired, socially deprived

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1 comment(s) - 08:52 AM - 06/28/2010

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darkraven 38, Female, United Kingdom - 7 entries

Apr 2008
6:45 AM GMT

Illusions..

Everything seems like illusion.

Fiction holds more reality for me than life. Television shows and fims engage me and feel real - I can respond to them; they make me laugh and cry, they enable me to feel. Even playing a computer game holds more connection and reality for me than life.

The time I get to spend with G is too fleeting. The rest of the time it's like I don't exist.

Being on my own so much really isn't good for me.

Tags: illusion, isolation, lonely

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darkraven 38, Female, United Kingdom - 7 entries

Mar 2008
6:43 AM GMT

Unchanged..

I still don't know how to express... well, anything really.

I wish I knew how people do that - how they open up about things.

I have to start letting some of this stuff out of my head. I have to find a way to connect to the people I love so they aren't strangers anymore.

I hate being so alone. I mean, yes, I have G - and my relationship with him is wonderful.. but he's at work so much of the time; I'm on my own almost constantly - and I don't cope. I'm not coping. Not even slightly. I am so sodding lonely. And yet I compound it by isolating myself further, because it's all I know how to do. I don't know how to reach out to pepole. Maybe I should know, but I don't. I can't cope with the simplest levels of communication. I do what I can, but it's really not enough by any stretch.

And I'm so tired of it. So damn very tired.

Tags: lonely

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RollerCoasterLove 26, Female, California, USA - First entry!

Aug 2007
5:12 PM EDT

Sometimes i just dont understand what ive done wrong. one day he acts like he loves me, the next he acts like i annoy him. im trying to become a better girlfriend, but hes not trying to be a better boyfriend. it doesnt help that all his friends are younger and more immature and dont have serious girlfriends to understand his situation. i think when he gets around them, he changes. into this "single" guy who doesnt give a fuck about me. im always tryna talk about our problems and tryna resolve it, but just randomly outta nowhere hell make it seem like he dont wanna try. when just yesterday he told me "i love you" "i miss you" "im thinking about you". and today i say "am i ur girlfriend" and he tells me "not really." and i say ur throwing me off telling me u love me one day and the next im not ur girlfriend. and he tells me "u threw me off when you moved out". is he tryna make me feel guilty? is he having money issues? financial problems stressing him out? and he blames me? i wanna work things out but how can i with someone whos not willing to try...instead i think to myself why dont i just walk away from all of this. just say fuck him and end it all for good... one day were okay. the next it seems like its all over. its this up and down roller coaster. ive try to change.. ive been making him dinner, avoiding issues i would usually argue about that upsets me... but i guess he doesnt see it. hes too stubborn to see where im coming from.. i kno theres a lot hes done, or hasnt done,to upset me, but im tryna see from his point of view and quitting all the "nagging", the fighting, the arguing.. im tryna do things for him to remember why he fell for me. but with him.. he just doesnt see me as something fortunate to have.. what do i do? i love him.. i dont want all this to end.. i just want everything to be okay again

Tags: betrayed, boyfriend, confused, cry, girlfriend, heartbreak, hurt, lonely, lost, love, sad, tears, upset

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