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So, I have been up all night.  Again.  I really should be going to bed more.  I live with the most wonderful man, that I love more than I know how to say.  Yet, most nights he goes to bed alone, and I stay up.

I could go to bed now, but I know I'll just disturb his sleep.  So I postpone. I'll wait until it's nearly time for his alarm, then I'll go and cuddle him - and then I'll finally fall asleep.

In a way, it's better this way.  I know he sleeps better when I'm not tossing and turning and fidgeting next to him.  And I sleep when I would otherwise be on my own here.  And then we get the evening together.  So, it's not all bad.  It's probably for the best.

Except, that isn't the reason I don't go to bed with him.  I stay up because I'm terrified of going to bed, and trying to sleep in the dark, and having nightmare after nightmare, and lying awake in the dark full of anxiety I can't dispell.

So tired.  So very damn tired.

If only being tired was enough to enable me to sleep.

its been days, iv been dreaming for days

something which i can not seem to awaken myself from

dreams in which i am what i can never be

dreams in which i see all that i would never see

dreams where happiness is what i cant reach

its been years, ive been awake for years

those years are not what i thought they would be

years of being with people who seem to care

years of being around those not treated fair

years where what i believe in is trully not there

its been decades, ive suffered for decades

to think that i thought kindly once before

decades of seeing the world slowly turn inside out

decades of seeing truth and honor skewered

decades that i wish i did not go through

yet i am grateful that i get to dream

i am grateful i get to live

ahhhh i just want someone who wants me of me....

Someone make the winter come back, so I can feel at home. So I can take walks without getting frustrated, so I can do what I used to love most.

Lately, I've been wasting my time remembering how things used to be, and listening to Say hi to your Mom.

Well tomorrow I get to go back to work. I went to the diabetic doc on Thursday. She is pleased with my progress.  Work has me "floating" to another place. It will cost me more in gas...but I guess it's better then dealing with the B.S at work.

I finally started to exercise yesterday. I did 30 min on the gym bike at the apartment. Today I was on 43 minutes when I started to get chest pains. Went home and took two asprins. It got better-I am still alive.

Went to church with dad and then didn't do much of anything else the rest of the day. my sugar was spiking high today and my stomach feels funny. Oh boy...back to work and I pray I am ok to work.

Well, I couldn't get on this to type a journal...I couldn't remember my password...lol... Well, i am back now-lets just hope I feel good this week to type the journal.