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   Why does my mom prefer my sister over me? Even if she always make my mom cry because of the things she did. Last year, my sister got involved in a scandal, Paris Hilton kind, but, seems like everyone just forgot about it. My mom still prefer my sister over me. She listens to her more and sides on her opinions. I do whatever my mom told me to to please her and make her love me more, but, nothing. I don't think she recognizes me. Seems like eveything I do is nothing to her. She clearly loves my sister more even though she doesn't want to admit it. But, it's so obvious that other relatives notices it too

WELL THE DAY STARTED AND I WAS CHECKING MY MAIL, WHEN I CHECKED MY MYSPACE I HAD A MESSAGE FROM AN OLD FRIEND, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE A GIRL, AND HAPPENS TO BE A GIRL I AM STILL MADLY IN LOVE WITH, BUT I AM ALSO IN LOVE WITH MY FIANCE AND HER SON WHAT DO I DO I LVOE MY FIANCE AND CANT LOOSE HER BUT THEN THERE IS THIS OTHER GIRL WHO I STILL AM IN LOVE WITH, IM SO CONFUSED ITS NOT FUNNY, GOD DO I NEED HELP. HOW DO I MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE, I KNOW THAT EITHER ONE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE ME FOREVER BUT I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT I AM DOING ANYMORE, HAS ANYONE EVER HAD THIS MOMENT IN THERE LIFE WERE YOU WAKE UP AND REALIZE THAT YOU ARE STILL IN LOVE WITH A FORMER GF, GOD IF THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME HOW DO WE HANDLE IT AND OF COURSE SHE DOESNT KNOW SHE NEVER HAS SO I GUESS I COULD JUST LEAVE IT ALON AND GO ON MY WAY BUT THEN THERE ARE THE WHAT IFS, I DONT WANT TO GET MARRIED THEN ALWAYS WONDER WHAT IF, BUT I CANT LOOSE THIS WONDER FUL PERSON AND HER SON WITHER, I CER RUMBA SO LOST IN THIS THING THAT WE CALL LOVE AND SO NEED SOME PROFESINAL HELP.

I got alot that I need to express, hopefully this is the beginning.  Sometimes when I bottle up innocent emotions they eventually turn into rage.  If not rage then stress, I feel the stress right now and its becoming over-whelming.  I think back to when I was 18, that was the most stress free time of my life.  I try to attribute what made my life so stress free at that time.  Cetainly it wasnt because of lack of problems, was it because I could release my stress out by smoking pot?    Maybe, cuz now Im not "allowed" to smoke pot, if I do then the wife will leave me.  I have secretly gotten high, a few times, and I get so paranoid about getting caught by her that I dont enjoy it.  So, I just avoid it altogether.  I cant believe I gave that up for her.

Ive given alot up for her.  I have sacrificed friends, money, time...lots and lots of time.  Then she cheats on me.  I only found out in January, I still think about it everyday and wonder if I made the right decision to stay with her.  I think she guilted me into it.  I was never unfaithful, but she said that I was miserable to be around because I hated my job so much, she siad it made me a person she didnt want to be around so she started looking for that spark in other men.  the funny thing is, she doesnt admit to sleeping with the one guy that I found out about.  She claims that she only talked to him and that she cheated on me before we were married due to having cold feet.  But the guy i found out about, I actually called him.  He says that they slept together after we were married.  I asked why he would say such a thing, what motive would he have to lie to me, what would he gain out of it?  I cant think of anything, maybe if he werent married then I could see him lying to me so that the two of them could be together but thats not the case.  When I confronted her about it, she was gonna leave me.  I had to beg her to stay... go figutre that one out.  She cheats, then I beg her to stay.  Im basically giving her a license to kill.

Why did I stay with her?  Love, I guess.  i felt that i somehow was the cause of this.  that it was my fault she cheated, I still fell like Im the one to blame.  I know Im afraid to be alone.  I cant imagine dating again, especially now that im balding, over-weight, going grey, lost some of my teeth... at least when I was a teenager I was just over-weight.  At the time that was difficult enough, but looking back on it now, it doesnt seem so bad.  Im 27 years old and I look and feel like Im 70.  I fucking hope I live a very short life cuz I am not happy with it, and Im too chicken shit to kill myself.

What do I hope to achieve from this journal?  Some stress relief, get some things off my chest, that might help me to cope with day to day life.  I have alot of baggage, I have done some really shitty things and I have had alot fo shitty things happen to me.  they have been bottled up inside forever and they are eating me up inside, so I guess its time for a release, otherwise I know I will self-destruct.  For now though, the thing that haunts me daily is my marriage, until i can get past that i wont be able to explore the past.  Hopefully this helped me a bit.  Maybeone day i will get fed up and finally do something that makes ME happy for a change, rather than putting everyone ahead of myself.

Forgive, sounds good. Forget, I'm not sure I could. They say time heals everything, But I'm still waiting

So basically that is how i am feeling right now... There is just so much that a 15 year old can handle... and i honestly have had of had of people hurting me. It seems as if no one can be trusted and no matter how much in love you think you are, that person may not feel the same way back... and as hard as you try to get over someone sometimes it just doesn't happen. As much as you may want someone new to come along and sweep you off your feet that is abosolutely perfect and you won't ever come near a problem with, it just won't happen... as much as you may want the perfect family and the greatest stuff... it won't happen.

Well, journal, I got this brilliant idea last night since I couldn't go to sleep.I figured that I could use you to as a sleep diary too.Soo...I've been awake now for 22 hours,30 minutes,& 56 seconds.On top of being really tired,I broke up with my boyfriend chris 2 days ago.It's kinda sad,but it's his fault.Advice to everyone:Insomniacs and people with anger problems do not mix!!!   Me and Chris always got along well until it came time to go to bed.You see the problem with me having insomnia is the fact that I like to walk around the house cleaning and everything else to wear myself out so I can go to sleep and Chris would get aggravated with it. Well, the other night he was really pissed off for some reason and he got more irritated than usual with my antics and he hit me,so I kicked him out.Okay...so I have now been awake for 23 hours,34 minutes,&28 seconds.Well I g2g ttyl.

I have lost someone very close to me she was a student and a friend. I know that she is in a better place but it still hurts to think that she went before her time. I feel lost knowing that I can never talk to her again, Laugh with her when she comes up with a prank and talks me into helping her.....this next year will be the hardest one for me because she will be gone. I live each day not knowing what to expect but then again I can't live like this forever....soon the pain will stop I just don't know when.