I am the most prettiest girl in the world. I am very Unique. And
Powerful. My true love is Austin Banton. I love butterflies, angels, and spider pig...the thing i think is the best is, my best friends, Trista, Psycho Kitty (AngelOfDarkness), and my family. If
you read this, thank you.
I've resisted the idea of journaling for quite awhile now. I've resisted the advice of two therapists and many self-help books, all of
which have urged me to journal. However,the idea of journaling hasalways been intimidating to me. There's something so permanent about puttingmy thoughts down on paper. Laying everything out in
black and white for examination. It seems so much safer,to keep the thoughts swimming through my brain. I suppose, it saves me from having toaccept the truths about my life that I'd much rather
Like everyone, there are things about myself that make me unhappy. I suppose I've been operatingby the saying "ignorance is
bliss"...but it isn't. It isn't blissful, because I'm not truly ignorant of my own faults and shortcomings. They are always there...just inside my peripheral vision...nagging me...eating away at
the world that I try to create for myself, within myself.
This isn't easy for me. The process of unravelingmy life to examine who I am and how I became this person. But it is a necessary
process for me at this point, because I'm not happy with this person. I feeldiscontent. I'm uneasy. Uncomfortable. Unsatisfied.
I think all of these feelings are necessary to precipitate change, so instead of trying to bury them deep, deep inside of me, as I
have in the past, I'm going to try to let them surface. Explore them. Follow them to their core. I imagine the process to be similar to peeling an onion; not only in the fact that there will be
many layers to peel away, but that the process will likely bring tears.
I know that I have buried much sadness inside my body. I think there are many reasons for the sadness. Many of those reasons have been
too painful for me to acknowledge or cope with in a healthy way.
I sometimes feel the sadness start to well up inside of me. At first the feeling is small and begins deep within my chest, but grows
with a force that causes me to panic. I feel that I will get lost in the sadness if I allow it to fully surface...that I will drowned in it. So, I use all of my strength to push it back down and
lock it away, not sure of where it dwells in the deep, dark crevasses ofmy body,when it lays dormant, waiting for its next opportunity to charge the gates that I have erected to protect myself. But
it senses my weakness...my exhaustion...my confusion.
I don't want to spend my life fighting against the sadness, but I'm unsure of how to let it flow through me without destroying me. Can
I experience the sadness in a way that will allow me to come out the other side whole? Can I not only survive the experience, but use it to gain strength?
These are questions to which I have no answers. But, I will find them...in time. This will serve as my reminder when I feel that I
have made no progress. I will come back to this, my first journal entry, to retrace my steps and find my path again.
It was a bright and gleeful summer day. A day that any child would enjoy, as their friends come over and play outside or to become absorbed in video
games; but for me, it was merely another day of hell…
"Asakura! Get your ass down this here this minute!" yelled his mother. The shrill of her voice filled the whole house and I reluctantly started
towards the source. I trudged down the stairs with the taste of bitter disgust stuck in my mouth, anger boiling within me with each step that I took; a response spurred by the utter resentment I
had for my family and nearly everybody associated with it.
I am a boy of seventeen. My mother hails from Japan and my father is Chinese. I had my heart stomped on, mangled and left virtually useless when my
girlfriend of seven months left me with no explanation. I don't have the best family; and have practically no friends. I had nowhere to turn until I met my sweet gothic Naomi. She is the one who
cheered me up when I was crying on the way home. Well, actually she saw the bad shape I was in and she slapped me across the head to knock me out of my slump, and told me to stop crying. As
unorthodox as her methods are, they are the only ones that work. I saw sincere care in her dark eyes, something I so rarely see.
"Asakura Cozy, look at this mess that you have caused in the kitchen!!" Mom exclaimed. I narrowed my eyes slowly yet cautiously to see what disaster lay
within the room ahead. What I saw made me stop and stare; I stood there amazed at what was once a kitchen that glittered and shone, but was now dull and nasty, as pots were dangling from shelves
with slimy green liquid coming out of them, accompanied by a pungent smell that made my nose feel like it was about to melt off. So I started to turn away to gasp for some air, but before I could
do that I felt a sharp pain across my back that almost made me fall to the floor.
I said in pain, "What was that for?" And when I turned around again, I saw my mother; her eyes were red with fury, her pupils nothing but black holes
that led to torture. Before I could explain to my mom that it wasn't my fault (even though it would be a waste of my breath to argue), she pushed me into the kitchen and yelled at me to clean it
up. As I stood there fuming by myself and glaring around at the miracle it would take for me to accomplish this task, my rage so great it overrode my impulse to vomit, I saw my two sisters Amaya
and Shiri laughing their heads off at the torture that they had arranged for me to go through. But before I could find something hard to toss at them, they dashed off to safety.
It took agonisingly long hours to finish cleaning up the mess that was not my doing, and I was exhausted. With the taste of disgust and anger preserved
with also the pungent smell which still burnt my nose and still made my stomach churn, I decided to take a cold shower in an attempt to get rid of this stress and anger that I was feeling.
Then suddenly I heard the doorbell ring and the thought that that person might be here to see my parents made me decide to move like my old geezer
grandpa, which would probably have been the case either way with how tired I was; in short, I took a very long time to reach the door. And even then, I stopped for a while as I grasped the cool
doorknob, various thoughts swarming through my head. The doorbell sounded again, but I still didn't open the door immediately. But I knew the reaction my parents would have if I took too long, so
after waiting a few more seconds, I turned the knob.
When I pulled open the door, I was a bit surprised to see Naomi standing there. She immediately embraced me and held me so tight, it was as if she was
trying to crack every bone in my body. I was too surprised to ask her why she was so excited, but I was glad to see her, regretting my little attempt at rebellion. Then, with absolutely no warning,
she released me, grabbed what was left of my prune hands (from all the cleaning) and started leading me, a bit roughly, away from my house.
"Come over to my house," she exclaimed with a wide smile. "I've got a surprise for you!"
She almost didn't let me close the door behind me.
"Naomi! This isn't like you, why the hell are you so happy today, and what's this big surprise?" I asked, Naomi's dark hair flowing behind her.
"If I told you now it won't be a surprise," Naomi said, smiling gleefully. Then she tugged me even harder as we came closer to her house.
"Uh, come on, I wanna sleep Naomi, can't you show me this another time when I'm actually awake?" I retorted tiredly.
"You can sleep after, you big baby," she remarked.
We finally arrived at her house. Naomi swung the door open releasing me momentarily so I could climb the stairs without falling forward, although she
still pushed me verbally. Then she took me to her computer, which had two helmets sticking out at the side of it. I looked at her angrily, a look of pure fury on my face. I almost felt like killing
her. "You dragged me here for this?!!" I yelled.
With a small voice, she answered, a bit surprised and disappointed with my reaction, no doubt, "Yes."
I was in no mood for this. I turned to leave but she was too fast; she pulled me by my shirt, dragged me to the seat as though I was her pet and slammed
one of the helmets on my head.
"Quit it, Naomi! Games are for losers!" I yelled, my tone as livid as before. But the next thing I knew, I couldn't see or hear anything. What did she
The apprehension and fear lasted no more than a few seconds and presently, my senses returned. But I was no longer in Naomi's room; I was somewhere
else. It looked like the scene from a fantasy flick. There were buildings around. They were not the concrete structures I was used to, but they were made of clay. The sign that bore the name of the
town was made of wood. Street vendors called out to passer-bys the items they carried; like rare items, weapons and armour. This place… for some reason, I felt at peace here, despite the fact that
strange-looking characters crowded the streets. The fresh air in this pristine world was wonderfully simulated. A beautiful, clear river trickled along nearby. Elaborately dressed patrons turned to
look at me, standing there all alone.
Then, after a few moments later, a flash of flame bolted down beside me and when it was gone, Naomi was left; but she looked different. She had the look
of a female soldier; her black hair with red highlights had been replaced by long snow-white hair. Virtual Naomi had a clear beautiful, tender body covered by a coat of amour with long leather
boots. She wore a golden band over her head like a crown in the middle of it was a precious blue stone and finally she was armed with a beautiful – but undoubtedly deadly – sword with the edges
glistening, as though it cut the sun's rays in every direction and in the middle of it were ancient symbols that were blue and glowing brightly.
It was then that I decided to see what changes this virtual world made to my appearance. Quietly, I walked over to the river and the person that I saw
wasn't the Asakura I was used to. I still looked my age, but I was no longer the pale skin and bones I used to be. My hair was still brown, but spiked; my muscles surprised me but not as much as
the glowing tattoos on my right arm. A very large sword (longer than I was tall, and I was taller in this world) rested in its hilt, which was strapped across my back. It had a golden handle
with a dragon chain at the end. Instead of armour I was dress in black garments, you couldn't see my mouth as the clothes covered my mouth and stretched to my belt buckle as I was wearing leather
pants with boots that felt as hard as steel and they too were black leather.
For a moment I stared at my reflection, I said softly, "This sure beats real life." Then I turned my eyes away from the new me. I stretched my
new muscles, realizing the just how tired I was. Although reluctant to leave, I didn't see anywhere to sleep in this place. "How do you take off the helmet?" I called over to Naomi.
The stunning figure before me answered with seemingly great disappointment that I wanted to leave already. "You have to pull it off by holding your head
then you pull it up," she said in a low tone. I tried it, but still found myself in the game.
"Idiot," Naomi said as she made the same gesture; NO LUCK! She looked at me in astonishment.
For a moment I just stood there thinking it was all a dream; actually a nightmare. While Naomi tried constantly to take off the helmet, each time to no
avail. Then with the anger from earlier and the tiredness that I felt, I let out a loud, anguished cry. I didn't even care that my tattoo began to blaze even more brightly and that the crowds of
passer-bys, vendors and customers, turned curious eyes in our directions, probably wondering if I was possessed or something. From there tears of sorrow and anger began flowing down my face as I
stared at Naomi, she was now coming up to me, with her mighty sword she used the handle and thrashed me across the head.
"Cut the crap, Asakura! This isn't helping either of us!"
"Well, you knocking me in the head isn't helping either!" I retorted.
"What're you lookin' at?" Naomi demanded as she turned to the curious eyes of those around us. Either losing interest or not wanting to challenge
the obviously angry – and possible insane – pair of warriors, they went back to their business.
I did feel a little better, though, after crying a bit and yelling at Naomi, although my head still hurt. This virtual reality was amazing; each
sensation must have been sent directly to my brain, so it felt as real as if I were in my own house getting whooped by Mom. I stared at Naomi's character and I said in a low tone, "What're we gonna
Always quick to answer, she said, "Guess we have to finish the game and see, we also have to find a guild."
I asked her to explain what she meant by "guild". She said it was a group of people working together for the same thing - a team. As I was about
to ask her one final question, she appeared to read my mind.
"This game is called The Terra; I won it in a sweepstakes I entered."
I then took a deep breath, wiped my eyes and looked around again to see what journey I had ahead of me in this
"Terra," I thought….
To be continued……
Well guys I finally got over the fact that I'm stuck in a virtual world, I am happy though that I can get away from my parent. The only hard part now is
that I have to make friends Ugh (lol).
Next: Chapter 2: The Trials Ahead
well since we have been out of school i have been babysittin, to make money to gochristmas shopping...it has been SO
tiring!But this morning I got the first 3 hours off and went andgot my hair colored...it was a strawberry blonde now it is a dark
red...it is really cute.. I LOVE IT... me and this one guy have been talking forever... it seems like all we ever do is talk...we are
alwaytogether and for christmas he is going to florida...it will be this first time since like july that i have gone more than three dayswithout seening him. it is sadI am going to miss him...well i better get back to my babysitting...JOY
god is up to his work again! i am sooo happy that i have let god take control of my life now and i dont have to stress about everything in my life, life is too short to worry about things that are
not in your control. sometimes you need to just let things happen how they are ment to happen and just trust that things will turn out ok. i have learned alot about myself in the past year and i am
happy to say that i think that i have grown alot, some people amy say that they really dont think that i changed all that much to them but i can see it in myself and if others cant see it then that
is on them, i haev learned that you can tworry about what others think of you and what others precieve you as because the only thing that matters is that you see yourself as a good person and you
love youself as you are. im am becoming a much happier person and i am looking forward to everythiugn that is going to come in my life in the next couple of years or months or just even days!
well we will see what happens!
till next time!
I'm so fucking bored! Mike just left with nick to go to the auto parts store. Sure I don't need anything there or want anything, especially cuz I have no money, but
I'd at least like to go along for the ride. I don't have my own car. I can't leave if I want to, so now I"m stuck at his house. Hell maybe should've stayed home, would've been the same thing.
Sitting around with nothing to do but watch tv or play video games. God I hate being bitchy or moody or whatever. Maybe it's because of everything going on and it's bothering me. And my knees
hurting so much. Listening to music helps. Mike called me a damn hippy because I had his stereo shaking the walls, lol. Oops. I like my music loud and love to rock out.Listening to Nickleback now.
Nothing going on on myspace, nothing at all.Trying to figure out how to put pictures on there, not working too well. I need to figure out how the fuck to put music on my little card for the mp3
player in my p hone.Hell so much stuff that's pissing me off and can't figure it out. Fuck it
I just opened my facebook a while ago. I was quite surprised when I saw 2 messages from
my ex-boyfriend.�The first message said "I love you". It was kind of weird for him to send that message, since I knew, that he loves Ruth,my bestfriend and also my bestfriend.
The second message was more weirder. It says, "It's a waste. We can't see each other again. Can I still court you? I love you. Can you please come back?".� I couldn't believe�that he would write
something like that. Then, I saw another message below. He said he was sorry for sending a message like that. His classmate was the one who sent the message to me and was just making fun.
The two messages were too good to be true. Well, at least, it's clear that he was not the one who sent it. Or else, I don't know what I'm gonna do to him.