Im back to having nothing. Nothing that makes me happy, at least. Obviously im still alive, im breathing, i have the basics. But im missing things that i need. I cant say what exactly im missing because i dont even know. I just feel empty, segregated from everyone else. Everyone in�the world seems so diverse to me, but at the same time, so very monotonous. All anybody cares about is the image they're throwing to the world, trying to fit in as best as they can without even once considering�being real, being themselves. There is no more originality anymore (sometimes i wonder if there ever was to begin with) everyone is just borrowing the mind of the one next to them. No one can think for themself. A pepsi is still a fucking pepsi�even if it comes in a coke can. The only image i try portraying to the world is who�I am and what i stand for. I think i've don a good job so far at doing this, but some times i wonder if the world looks at me the same way i look at myself in the mirror, but i doubt it.�I dont know what to do, how to feel, or where to go from here. I believe in fate, i know i have no control over whats going to happen. If something was meant to happen then its going to happen one way or another. I feel like im waiting. Waiting for SOMEthing, but i dont know what. As much as i hate change, somethings have to change. That's just how things work. Fuck my life.
My life changes fast. I hate it, I hate change. It makes me look back�on how things used to be and makes me realize how much older im getting and how fast times are going by. Its a giant mystery as to what happens after its all over. Is there really a heaven and hell? Is there just nothing? Maybe my whole life just gets rewound like a movie and is constantly being replayed. Is it possible that i could be dying right now but at the same time be being born? I dont know what to believe. It just makes life harder and more confusing than it already is to begin with. My name is Steve, and I am an asshole. I don't like talking to people i don't know. People have always just come off as strange and/or stupid to me. I dont like thinking im above these people, or below them, but i hate to think of putting myself on the same level as everyone around me. Aside from my girlfriend, i seem to be the only one that's capable of taking a step back from everything once in a while and looking at how thigns really are. I dont like living in a fairy tale world. I am addicted to reality, so im sorry. Love is a feeling people seem to not know a lot about. Love is a�terrible and horriffic thing. Your whole world becomes a world that revolves around the one you love. Your life is filled with the obligation to care for this person and please them before you please yourself. Make them feel happy no matter what the cost. You do these things for this person not becasue you HAVE to do it, but becasue you WANT to. With love comes hardships. Fighting. Arguing. Paranoia. Get used to these things when you decide to love someone. (although to be fair, you can't "decide" to love someone, it just happens) Yes, with love you wil feel happiness beyond any boundaries you previously thought possible, but it's not always going to be strawberries and orgasms. With love comes a lot of bad feelings and a huge load on your mind. But its a feeling i wouldn't give up for the world. Nothing can ever beat the feeling of being loved/cared for by someone, or the feeling of loving/caring for someone yourself. This person that you love, he or she will become your world. Love is nothing short of obssession, this person will be on your mind 24 hours a day. Love is a terrible horrific thing, but when you put those two words together you get terriffic.... just sayin'. Love is, the best feeling you can possibly have. Only the luckiest people in the world will ever feel what true love is. And it is one damn hard thing to describe. Depression. It is NOT fun in the least bit. NOTHING is fun when you're depressed. Your life is your hell. Ending it would be nice, but then you'd just be another statistic. You'd be labeled as crazy. And if you fail at doing yourself in, then it just makes the rest of your life even harder. To be honest, ive never wanted to truly kill myself, ive always known that there's always someone out there who's got it harder than me, and ive always known that hard times come and go. Love can lead you to depression (it didnt for me, but it easily can happen) That's another reason why love sucks. If that special person were to walk out of your life and you still loved them, I'd imagine it's like a slingshot that shoots you ten times further into hell than you were to begin with. No point in trying to be happy, you'll just get shot down in the end anyway. Happiness is a pipe dream and dream don't come true. Nothing lasts forever, and nothing ever will. Life sucks, but somehow it still goes on..... (i've come close to losing my special lady so i've got a pretty good idea of how this feels and that's how my mind would think.) Life is a hard and confusing place.....
With the economy in a questionable state, the nation falling under the spell of godless leaders and the growing threat of terrorism and the outpouring of God's wrath on this nation ... it seems a wise time to chuck living in a large metropolitan area on the east coast and head for the hills.� However with my home equity underwater since the housing crash the question is whether to hand the home back to the bank and just walk away.� Funds are needed for such a change and without some means of miraculous provision it is uncertain whether that escape from impending doom is even feasible.
I havn't posted anything in a while.
Alot has changed.
1. I'm completly && totally in love.
2. I've known this guy for 4 years, so stfu about being to young to be in love. (i'll tell you more about him when i have more time to write.)
3. I'm still having the same weird feelings that i was having in my last posts.
4. I'm getting increasingly better at the piano.
5. I got a kick ass camera. <3
6. Writing has become a huge part of my life, i'll post some of my quotes/sayings/poems at the bottom of this entry...
7. There is way to much stuff on my mind to number it all.
001.
i wish i would've died in your arms the last time we were together. so i wouldn't have to wake without you today
002.
but the most important thing is, even if we're apart, i'll always be with you
003.
You know you’ve read a good book when you turn the last page and feel as if you’ve lost a friend
004.
You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you. And you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying not to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for
^^my favorite^^
005.
You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist
006.
Most days from the moment i wake to when i go to sleep at night....im unhappy. When i met you, all that changed
007.
And id rather be outside in the freezing rain with you than to be warm in the arms of someone else.
008.
I�guess what i like best about you is how you can make me laugh even when nothing's funny.
MyNameIsSteve 30, Male, Illinois, USA - 6 entries
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DarkPrincessaMiranda 34, Female, Arizona, USA - 4 entries
