Im back to having nothing. Nothing that makes me happy, at least. Obviously im still alive, im breathing, i have the basics. But im missing things that i need. I cant say what exactly im missing because i dont even know. I just feel empty, segregated from everyone else. Everyone in�the world seems so diverse to me, but at the same time, so very monotonous. All anybody cares about is the image they're throwing to the world, trying to fit in as best as they can without even once considering�being real, being themselves. There is no more originality anymore (sometimes i wonder if there ever was to begin with) everyone is just borrowing the mind of the one next to them. No one can think for themself. A pepsi is still a fucking pepsi�even if it comes in a coke can. The only image i try portraying to the world is who�I am and what i stand for. I think i've don a good job so far at doing this, but some times i wonder if the world looks at me the same way i look at myself in the mirror, but i doubt it.�I dont know what to do, how to feel, or where to go from here. I believe in fate, i know i have no control over whats going to happen. If something was meant to happen then its going to happen one way or another. I feel like im waiting. Waiting for SOMEthing, but i dont know what. As much as i hate change, somethings have to change. That's just how things work. Fuck my life.
My life changes fast. I hate it, I hate change. It makes me look back�on how things used to be and makes me realize how much older im getting and how fast times are going by. Its a giant mystery as to what happens after its all over. Is there really a heaven and hell? Is there just nothing? Maybe my whole life just gets rewound like a movie and is constantly being replayed. Is it possible that i could be dying right now but at the same time be being born? I dont know what to believe. It just makes life harder and more confusing than it already is to begin with. My name is Steve, and I am an asshole. I don't like talking to people i don't know. People have always just come off as strange and/or stupid to me. I dont like thinking im above these people, or below them, but i hate to think of putting myself on the same level as everyone around me. Aside from my girlfriend, i seem to be the only one that's capable of taking a step back from everything once in a while and looking at how thigns really are. I dont like living in a fairy tale world. I am addicted to reality, so im sorry. Love is a feeling people seem to not know a lot about. Love is a�terrible and horriffic thing. Your whole world becomes a world that revolves around the one you love. Your life is filled with the obligation to care for this person and please them before you please yourself. Make them feel happy no matter what the cost. You do these things for this person not becasue you HAVE to do it, but becasue you WANT to. With love comes hardships. Fighting. Arguing. Paranoia. Get used to these things when you decide to love someone. (although to be fair, you can't "decide" to love someone, it just happens) Yes, with love you wil feel happiness beyond any boundaries you previously thought possible, but it's not always going to be strawberries and orgasms. With love comes a lot of bad feelings and a huge load on your mind. But its a feeling i wouldn't give up for the world. Nothing can ever beat the feeling of being loved/cared for by someone, or the feeling of loving/caring for someone yourself. This person that you love, he or she will become your world. Love is nothing short of obssession, this person will be on your mind 24 hours a day. Love is a terrible horrific thing, but when you put those two words together you get terriffic.... just sayin'. Love is, the best feeling you can possibly have. Only the luckiest people in the world will ever feel what true love is. And it is one damn hard thing to describe. Depression. It is NOT fun in the least bit. NOTHING is fun when you're depressed. Your life is your hell. Ending it would be nice, but then you'd just be another statistic. You'd be labeled as crazy. And if you fail at doing yourself in, then it just makes the rest of your life even harder. To be honest, ive never wanted to truly kill myself, ive always known that there's always someone out there who's got it harder than me, and ive always known that hard times come and go. Love can lead you to depression (it didnt for me, but it easily can happen) That's another reason why love sucks. If that special person were to walk out of your life and you still loved them, I'd imagine it's like a slingshot that shoots you ten times further into hell than you were to begin with. No point in trying to be happy, you'll just get shot down in the end anyway. Happiness is a pipe dream and dream don't come true. Nothing lasts forever, and nothing ever will. Life sucks, but somehow it still goes on..... (i've come close to losing my special lady so i've got a pretty good idea of how this feels and that's how my mind would think.) Life is a hard and confusing place.....
This girl amazes me. It's as if�I'm no longer awake, as if I'm stuck in a dream where something so perfect is actually possible, believable. I am stuck with her, and damn lucky for it. Without this girl, I would be fucked. She is all i have, want and need. Normally I'd hate myself for being so typical but in this situation i can FEEL it. Like something inside me is telling me to always stay with her and be by her side.�She has done far more for me than any other person possibly could EVER do. This girl is mine, and will forever be mine. Love is one of the greatest steps towards true happiness. True love is all you need to be happy. I am happy now. I was oblivious to the meaning of love and happiness before my world became whole. Now i understand that i was just incomplete before, missing something that was needed. Something i had never felt so strongly before. She gives me a purpose in life, she IS my purpose in life. We were meant for each other, meant to complete each other and live life together.This is something deeper than any temporary infatuation that momentarily grabs hold of you. No, this isn't me just getting caught up in the moment. This is something that everyone DREAMS of, something that hardly anyone is lucky enough to ever feel in their entire LIFE. This is what i feel true love is. This is what i feel when it comes to this girl. She is every possible thing i could ever ask for and i can never be more thankful that we found each other when we did. This girl amazes me......�
Being a guy, at age 17, is it strange that the idea of what being a "man" is nowadays pisses me off? people are stupid. That's the truth. Apparently nowadays a "man" is someone who can get with as many girls in one night as they can. What being a "man" means to me is how long you can keep that one girl and how close you can get to her heart and how close you're willing to let her get to yours. Am I a man for keeping this girl close to me and actually LOVING her AND meaning it? I think so. Every other guy seems to have the mentallity that everyone is judging their masculinity by the number of girls they've been with, so they proceed to find random girls they think they've got a shot with and tell the girl what they want to hear (without meaning a word of it of course) and if all goes as they planned, the girl gets on her knees...... fuck that. I'd much rather be living my life with someone I'll always respect, love and HAPPILY be with than living my life alone, looking for a girl that might let me fuck her (not to mention I'll be�fucking the girl of my dreams every night�while you're�out looking for something�meaningless)�Then there's guys who keep the girl close, but cheat on her...... what the hell is the point in that? You'd really be willing to risk the person that makes you happy beyond belief (assuming she means anything to you in the first place) just so you can blow a load on some stranger? That's a risk (in my eyes) that's definately not ever worth taking. 90% of the guys I know are assholes that do think it's ok as long as their girl doesn't find out.� I don't understand it, I just really think they all deserve to get their asses kicked for thinking that way, but then more than half the men in america would be in the hospital..... In my opinion, I think more girls cheat on their boyfriends than the other way around, but more guys seem to openly think it's alright if they do it to their girlfriends. Fuck people like that, they're all dumbasses for not being true to themselves and their partner. I just hate liars/fake people more than anything, hence the reason why I have much to say about this.
Im not going to sit here complaining how "life sucks" and how�I "hate" my parents. Im not that ignorant,�I know for a fact that there's a lot of kids who are far worse off than�I am. Not many kids can accept that though. They feel as if people actually care to hear them whining about how "shitty" their lives are. Most of the time it's just them crying about how they have the worst parents in the world. It's annoying to hear, not only because they're acting like two year olds who don't get their way, but because their parents ACTUALLY CARE!!! Kids like these deserve to get smacked. I hate hearing you little kids say "i hate my parents" because you dont!! If even one of your parents were to die tomorrow, you KNOW you would be taking those words back as fast as you could. You can't "hate" your parents because they yelled at you one time in who knows how long. I suggest taking a look in the mirror to see who the real asshole is, becasue odds are its not your parents. Although some people DO have some unfit parents. Parents that come out and say "you dont matter" and constantly remind you that you ruined THEIR life and how they cant wait until you're 18 so you can stop wasting their money. These kids who "hate" their loving parents have no idea what its like to have parents that hate YOU. They don't have to struggle to keep themselves alright in the head. They dont have to worry about getting brainwashed into thinking they're just a piece of shit. They don't get to feel any REAL physical pain or have that constant mental strain. But somehow they still "hate" their loving parents. Kids like this deserve to see what it's like living with REAL problems with parents that clearly don't give a fuck about you. I'd LOVE to see how those kids would react to THEIR mom dragging them through the house and kicking them out in the winter without so much as a pair of shoes. I doubt they'd still "hate" their parents because they got their xbox taken away. Asshole kids, there's too many of them, it's worse than a damn plague. I'm used to crap like this. I'm used to the fact that MY mom will never and has never loved me. According to her, I'm just a�"faggot�little bitch" while�the asshole kids with big mouths get tucked in at night and get called "honey bunchkins"......�Most kids�have no clue what it feels like to be hated by your parents. But they will still always open their mouths to say "I hate my parents"........ fuck you, you'll never understand, you'll just never get it.
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