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My daughter is sleepy and I am not she is getting on my freaking nerves right now. Her play mate from daycare ate til she got sick and threw up on my damn roses. although "big mama is 5 and my daughter is almost four you could'nt tell by looking at them. My daughter is height proportioned and Big mama is about 85 pounds more than half my weight. All she does is complain my daughter is hitting her, eat every thing in site ask for more and try bully my daughter into sharing her toys. which I wont force her to do .

the police aledgedly arrested the thugs across the street from us. The police have been visiting across the street for three days consecutivley with out one arrest. I am told they had someone in the back, I didnt even bother to look. yesterday my son informed the officers on foot that the people across the street sell drugs, the officer told my son to call 911 if he sees anything. I instantly rebuked my son and told him if he did this I would beat his ass. And I so meant/ mean this. It is silly to call the police have our neighbors retaliate on us. while the cops take their white assess back to their quiet but pedophiled riddled suburban homes.They dont give a damn about us, thats why they take so long to show up when you do call them or just do show up at all. Life is fucked up.

hmm...I've made all my posts private again...you can still find public entries with a well worded yahoo search. be careful.

But I wouldn't mind others seeing this particular post...

I don't know. I've spent too long looking at the dark side of life. I've been focusing on mistakes instead of trying to make them better. I want that to change. I started volunteering again and I'm going to a personal trainer and going out with friends. Normal teenage activities....not moping around the house because of an ex. Even thoughI do still love him and deeply care for him.

There's enough anger out there. It's time to share a little love. Even if it doesn't change the world, I guarantee you, it's worth it.

I made a very brave move today...after much thought I decided to invite my molther to the movies. It's worth the shot specially since my mom is stuck home all day alone including weekends just sitting watching her TV. I know my mom LOVES the movies and when I was younger she'd take me every weekend to see like 2 or 3 in one night...so I might as well return the favor. Surprisingly the night went well...she really enjoyed the movie and seemed hyped at the idea of going out. She also DID NOT CALL ME afterwards when I went out with my bf. I didn't get home until 5 AM but still she did not call me once to find out where I was or when I was returning home. So I've decided that a weekly outing with my mom is necessary to easen the tension that has been causing me so much stress and agony in the past years and have intensified in the past months.

So I definitely like this other guy.

And my boyfriend is still annoying me. And he's starting to realize that something's changed. I have no idea what to do. This whole thing sucks immensely. I don't know what else to say.

...continued...so I want to move south for a few reasons. It is a cheaper cost of living than where I currently reside. It is warmer. There are many more "big businesses" there for employment. And quite honestly, it is far, far away from my family. A little space is exactly what I need right now. Don't get me wrong, I realize that everybody's family has their issues, but not everybody lives with their family at 30 years old and still has 7 people in the household. And maybe I am running away from some things here- maybe I am trying to forget some things to try to move on....maybe. I have always wanted to try to move out of state to "make it on my own"- I never went away to college, never tried it alone, and I have every opportunity to do so now- so why not? I am single, no kids, little debt...seems like an easy decision right? Huh...lol...no so much.

Now whether it is by fate, by good luck, bad luck, god's will, or intentional- there has been a kink in the master plan. I really do want to believe it is true too. My lifelong friend, the one I have always thought was "the one" just moved down there. It was probably a year ago when I had made the decision to move down there and just need to finish my degree before applying to jobs. He was recruited for employment in that city and moved there this week. He know my feelings, and always has. The feelings are only on my side.He is not interested in me for anything more than friendship. and I totally adore our friendship and would never want my life without it. But I have also spent the greater part of my life trying to keep him just in the "friend realm" and have such a hard time turning off the feelings. I just do not want any of my decisions to center around him, with hopes of anything more because for most of my life, I have always wanted it to happen, and would daydream of "that day". In fact there are so many memories of him here that maybe that is something that I am trying to run away from. But now he is there. So do I not go there because he is there and let him affect a decision of mine? Or do I go there as planned because I need to prove this to myself. Is this fate, coincidence, a sick joke?? I have to say that I honestly do not know what is real in this situation. And you know when you know the truth deep down inside of you, but it can never come out either in words or on paper, but you just know what the truth is....I do not know the answer to this. I havee been wrong so many times about this guy that....i just don't know...

I do know that he is one of my closest, if not the closest friend I have- we just connect on a different level that the rest of my friends. I know that I do not want to lose that- ever. I just wish I knew what the "master plan" is, because i think it would ease my mind. If this is fate and it is meant to be, i wish I'd know that so that I can quit worrying about it. and if it were never meant to be, I really wish I would know that FOR SURE so that I can finally move on once and for all. Either way, I know that I do need to stick to my original plan to go down there and try things out in ly own place. I need to network and find a new group of friends to go out with, and spend some quality alone time. Whatever happens from there- happens. I wonder how the online dating scene is down there. Up here has been pretty icky- and that will be the topic of my next entry....or next few entries...LOL

I have the potential to be very successful.. far greater than the average 29-yr-old.

I need to find true inspiration.

A lot of the time I feel like my life's a gamble anyway, so it really doesn't matter what I do, it's all a matter of chance.

Now and then (like after meeting Steven, getting employed with Intl.Interiors and making new friends with ASOTV) it feels like there's more to my life then just chance.

I suppose these things could inspire me to press forward to stability in my personal life. That's really where all the keys are.

How about a driving force, an inner strength.

I've always been motivated by church and family. Those entities are out of sight and practically non-existent at this juncture.

I do have my friends.. no I don't. The dudes that are/were supposedly my friends hung around just to see if they had a shot with me. Summer? Trisha? Tammy? Maybe so. I'm not sure. We don't hang out on a regular basis.

I need to seek out strong relationships. Not with people far away, or available only via email/phone calls. Real people! Real friends! Real relationships!

Steve's everything right now. And I know that's not going to last for too long. I must fill the other areas.

Perhaps networking is my way out of the loneliness.

I still need to find something to get me out of bed in the morning.

I don't think I care for myself as much as I should.

I'd like to befriend Santosh. But he needs a strong cousin. Someone who can help him with his business, etc.. I don't know that I have what it takes.

Anyways, that's what I've got for now.

Ok, Ok - why am I so nervous to write this entry? Why am I worried that my thoughts will be revealed. Perhaps because I for many years it was so difficult to be true to myself on paper, that using this new media is bringing back the same anxieties as before.

So now where to start? I had a really good conversations with one of my oldest and closest friends tonight.While his words sometimescome out completely differently that what his mind is saying, once you can figure his point out, he actually has some profound things to say. I think one of the things that I like the most about our relationship is that we know each other so well, and so deeply that we can really get to the core of things. What I mean is that there is very little left to reveal to each other and we know enough to make it dangerous. He will completely call me on my BS- an vice versa. He is helping me to make some difficult decisions in my life right now- whether he knows he is playing that important of a role or not.

What's truth is that my living condition is less than desireable, and it is time to be on my own. I had specific goals to accomplish by moving in with family for the last few years: financial freedom, surgery, travel, and school. I have accomplished all of them (wow- in 4 years??it sounds weird to say it out loud- or actually to write it out loud), But being 30 years old in my position means time to move on. I need a new job. Period. I am looking to relocate to the south. I have been sending my resume out like a mad woman, but it has only been for the last 2 weeks and I am so impatient- I want something to happen NOW. My friend (mentioned above) tells me that my number one fault- or area to work on is my patience. I can't disagree. When I want something- I am so driven to get it that I make it happen. The problem lies within having goals that depend on other people, people I cannot control.

More later....

when everything is wrong

we move along.