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Holly 53, Female, New York, USA - 42 entries

Jun 2007
5:58 AM EDT

I have an open mic tonight at a coffee shop. I have been practicing my butt off and sound pretty good. I am doing all clean stuff because last time there were little kids there. Not sure what I am going to wear. Maybe my black tank top with the studs on it that shows off my music tattoo on my arm.

Tags: Tattoo

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1 comment(s) - 12:08 PM - 06/11/2007

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xcheerfreakx 32, Female, Virginia, USA - 9 entries

Jun 2007
1:31 PM EDT

Dear journal,

My day today was ok. Scott hugged me five times today how coolio is that!! Then we had had to do this retarded play and it was like really boring. I have cheer practice at 6:30 to 8:00 wich at first i dread it but im just gonna have to wait and see how it ends up being i hope i have fun and time needs to go a lil bit faster for the rest of the day because i just want it to end. I have to wake my mom up here in like 30 min. Kayla and tiffany say that chris is a dork and then i say yea wich is why i will never agian go back out with him and then they say well he is a big dork and you will to i betcha then i say fine then if he is a dork then he gets to be my dork!!! lol idk if there right or wrong because he did cheat on me befor and i went back out with him

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auxilary25 40, Female, California, USA - 32 entries

Jun 2007
10:50 PM EDT

Today my sister told me something that truly opened my eyes and made me think. I asked her how does she manage never to think about the night that her boyfriend lied about his plans and went to the movies with 2 girls while she was out with me. How does she manage not to dwell or think about the fact that her boyfriends ex of 5 years called him asking him to marry her. Her response was simple, "I chose to love him and forgive him. If I were to keep living in the past we'll never make it so I wipe the thoughts away and think about all the things he does with me and not with them."

This is the same concept I need to apply in my own life "live today and not the past" I've been trying to figure out why is it that I can't get over my bfs past? Why is it that we always must argue about the same thing "his ex"? Why do I make her such a big deal in our relationship? The answer is simple, I want to be loved purely and truly. I want to know and feel that I'm the only "perfect woman" for the man that I am with. I want to feel as though his past relationships were the "illusion of love" and that this is the real love...because this is how I feel. I want to feel as if I'm uncomparable to any of them because in his heart they'll never measure up to me since I know my exes can't measure up to him.

Yes, my bf has givenup his life style and turned it around to dedicate himself to this relationship. Yes, I can see all the sacrifices he has made to make sure he is by my side everday for as long as he can be. Yes, I can see that he loves me very much and that I make him very happy BUT the problem is that my bf always compared me in small ways to his exes in the beginning.

From the first time he told me he loved me..when I asked him a few days later how he knew he loved me for sure he said " I know I love you because I chose you over my ex. She called me two nights ago telling me she wants to call off her wedding and marry me. Had it been any other moment I'd be on a plane to get with her and try to work " Yes, the thought is nice but if you think this statement through he's saying " I love you because now I realized that no other girl out there can complete me the way you do and the girl I once thought I loved I realize was nothing more than an infatuation or a phase." I mean he does tell me these things but THAT was the moment to really just let it in.

Secondly, he's always mention how sexing and tempting all his exes were that all his guy friends wanted to fuck them and he always had to be on the look out to make sure they didn't cross the likne. Yes, I love my body and my looks, I don't have a low self-esteem, and i know for a fact he knows this because he's always enraged when I go workout alone...he's seen how my trainer friends and guys hit on me BUT it would feel good to hear from my bf that I'm beautiful that he finds my body sexually appealing. I want to HEAR it not just know it.

I just keep it in and now I've let it go. What matters is that he's with me and he's never given up on us. I'm just scared one day he'll say "Sorry I thought I loved you but I've fallen for someone else" or "Sorry I tried to move on from my past but I can't" and he'll leave me with a tremendously shattered heart and a life without purpose. I guess my fears have grown from many taunting thoughts he's left in my head of his past. I can't even fuck him (me on top)..he's repeated over and over about all the girls he screwed in the Marines (this was when we were friends and we spoke of our past) and he loved the way the screwed him because they all knew what they were doing. While me on the other hand, I only had sex with my ex a few times and the times I was on top can be counted with my hands PLUS that was 2 years ago I don't even remember the rythm I had started to master. With him laying there starying@ me, expecting mind blowing sex orgasm after orgasm as he gives me I just freeze and my hips fail me. There's nothing worse than wanting to please your man but having all his exes mind blowing sex stop you becuase you feel you'll never compare.

I love him and this is for the long-run. I'm just overcoming an issue I have buried in my chest, one that taunts me, onee that lingers in at times saying "does he wish he was fucking someone else" or "is he tired of him always being on top yet." Yes, this is fixable and our relationship is strong enough to overcome it all. I know with time I'll get more comfortable with him in bed and at the right moment he'll guide the way and show me how to really please him as I wish I could. Together we'll explore eachother and I'll learn how to take our connection to the next lvel and I can manage to satisfy him as he does to me. About his past...I know one day I'll bury it. I just wished her name stopped popping up everytime she's finally out of my head. I wish his family respected me more and never mentioned her name infront of me to make me feel as if I am the only real woman that matters...

Yes, he made the mistake of answer her calls, making her feel superior because late @ night he still talked to "the ex.." He disrespected me not only to her but to his mother by allowing her to speak to his mom on mothers day..which is where he should've shown her how much I mean to him by giving me my place. Yes, he's blurred their "realtionship details" several times because he doesn't want me to get hurt knowing that at one time she was the love of his lfie as I am now. Yes, they lived together and he's already eperienced with someone else what I had hoped my husband and I could experience together. Yes, he thinks she's a "beautiful procalien baby doll that should've been a model." Yes, she's been a consisten part of his life even 5 years after they've broken up...speaking once a month even though they live on opposite sides of the US. But he's with me now and whatever happened between them is over. Even if a part of him may wish it would've worked out is mind and heart has been set on a relationship with me. He's given me 100% ever sine the day we had our talk, he even changed his number for me, so I won't let that go to vain. I'm the one he's with all day, I'm the one he texts before bed, the one he eats every meal of the day with, studies with, naps with, shops with, goes to school with. I'm his life now. What matters is what he does with me, how he makes things right with me, and not what he did with her. He's given me his all, I know he loves me, and I'll make sure to never give him a reason to stop. :) We're getting married one day and he's told ALL his friends and family about it and that's what counts..specially since they are all shocked cuz he ever believed he would find the one person he'd want to get married with...he swore to be a bachelor forever...guess life changes :)

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yogionline 38, Female, Korea - 3 entries

Jun 2007
2:45 PM GMT

love
Love is something that is not easily explained
No one word can express it
And no one person feels the same about it
It's waking up in the morning wanting to be with that one person
And going to bed feeling the same way
It knows that you want to spend the rest of your life with him
And it's a feeling so great that no matter what anyone says will never be taken away
It's crying every night when the one you love doesn't love you back
It's feeling that pain in your heart when you lose that one person.
But to just hear those three little words come from his mouth
And actually know he means it
That's the best feeling in the world
To know that someone loves you for you
And wants to be with you forever
Love is hard to find, and even harder to keep
It takes time and effort to keep it going
But you don't mind because you would do anything in the world to keep it
It knows that when you come home you'll have someone to share your day with
It's that last conversation of the night before you fall asleep
He's the first one you want when you wake up
The only thing that's on your mind all day, every day
It knows that someone's always there for you to cry on
Someone's always there for you to talk to about anything
And won't judge you for that
It's the person you feel the most comfortable with in the world
And to know that you have that
That you share that special bond with one other person
That's the best feeling in the world.
But when you lose that feeling
When you lose the only thing that ever mattered to you
It seems like life has no purpose, no point at all
You feel like you could just curl up and die
That nothing or no one else matters to you
And the only thing that you've ever wanted is now gone
And you will do anything to get him back,
Because he's worth it
You'll try and try until one day you realize
Those things will never be the same again.
Your love is still there, deep inside of you
So you try your best to just be friends,
And it works for a while
But the feelings are still there
And no matter how hard you try friend will never be good enough
So you want to forget about him, but that's even harder
There are too many memories, to many good times to just forget
And no matter what you do he's always there
Everywhere you look, everything you do, every place you go,
Every song you hear, every guy you see
Reminds you of him
And you hope some day you'll be back together
But until then there's nothing you can do
But sit and cry, to go through that pain when he talks about
Another girl he likes, or how good his life is going
And that pain breaks your heart day after day
Tear after tear, until you have no mores tears to cry
Until you just get used to that hole in your heart that won't go away,
That pain that never leaves you
That lonely feeling that stays with you forever
And you may have other guys, but nothing or no one could ever compare, and you know that.

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yogionline 38, Female, Korea - 3 entries

Jun 2007
2:19 PM GMT

You My friend

You My friend
You don't always show it,
but I know that you care.

You My friend
If I'd ever need you,
I know you'd be there.

You I'm glad you're my friend.
Your smile makes me smile.
Your pain makes me hurt.

You My friend
I want you to know:
If you need me--I'm there.
make you happy,
make you laugh.

You My friend
Sometimes you make me mad,
but I can't stay mad.

You My friend
Sometimes I want to get away from you.
And sometimes there's nothing I want more than:
to talk to you,
to tell you about my day,
to hear about yours,
to laugh with you,
to tease you,
to share an inside joke,
that no one else would get,
to argue with you,
but know we're just kidding..

You My friend
Do you remember the time when...?
There are so many times.

You My friend
Don't ever lose the wonderful person you are.
Stay happy.
Stay healthy.
Stay you.

You My friend
I'll never stop being your friend.
Don't ever stop being miner>

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yogionline 38, Female, Korea - 3 entries

Jun 2007
2:12 PM GMT

Take a walk around the block til you see everything you want life to be.

I used to think i had the answers to everything.
But now i know that life doesn't always free.

SO...don't tell me to shut my eyes....

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ybg 44, Female, New York, USA - 23 entries

Jun 2007
9:32 AM EDT

The gardens of Versailles, lilies of Monet, museums of Paris could not compare with the memory of holding his hand while riding through the charming, french country side.

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shirleyxu 54, Female, China - 301 entries

Jun 2007
9:21 AM EST

简单而自然

得'道'之人，敦兮 , 其若樸 (Simple and natural like the uncarved block). 我们家人都喜欢简单和自然这两个品质。'简单'并不是不懂'复杂'，'自然'也并不是不懂'妆扮'。人可以在复杂和做作的现实生活中寻求简单和自然的美。

简单和自然的朋友值得结交，简单和自然的爱值得追求，简单和自然的生活值得享受。

街上的家具店铺里，敦敦跟小猫'乐肥'，萍水相逢，且一见钟情，乐肥身着'黑色的燕尾服'，很有 blue blood 的味道，弄得我们全家没法不把他当王子宠着。昨天我原本打算给敦敦示范解剖青蛙，可买回的小青蛙是个尤物，如出水的绿色仙子，正值发情期的‘乐肥’好奇地碰了碰天上掉下来的‘林妹妹’，没想到贪吃的他居然会怜香惜玉，抛弃物种间的偏见,'乐肥'给'林妹妹'送了个香吻之后，就像'骑士'一样守在'天使'的身旁。

初春，我们一时兴起，把吃剩的南瓜籽随手种在阳台上，接下来等待我们的是春天发芽的兴奋，夏天开花的快乐，秋天结果的满足，冬天回味的愜意，小小的南瓜籽能让我们全家得意一整年呢。

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Cloudberry 34, Female, Illinois, USA - 4 entries

Jun 2007
4:41 PM CDT

I've got several possible causes I've contributed to my current predicament.

Possible causes:

1. This change in schedule has thrown my emotions out of whack.

2. I've been seeing entirely too much of my boyfriend lately.

3. I'm actually getting tired of my boyfriend.

4. I've hit my boy-crazy streak a little later than most.

5. I'm flabbergasted by the fact that TWO decent guys like me, and I really like being liked.

6. I haven't seen this other guy in a few days, and maybe I'm building him up to be more than he is.

7. I actually like this other guy.

Predicament:

It's probably not too hard to figure out from the preceeding text, but I'll relay to you the short version anyway. So I've had this boyfriend for about 3 1/2 months, and things are going pretty well. But apparently there's just something about me that attracts ALL straight, 17 year old theatre guys, not just my boyfriend. So this other guy is in a show with me and he's cute and he definitely likes me, and I suddenly find myself thinking about him quite a bit more than I think about my other castmates, and maybe even more than I think about my boyfriend. And I've just been kind of annoyed by my boyfriend lately, and he wants to hang out EVERY SINGLE DAY, which I probably would've been ecstatic about a few weeks ago, but now...

I think the real honest reason for my situation is that I tend to fall, to some degree, for every guy that falls for me. I just got out of my awkward phase; I'm not used to guys doing that. I think I'll wait until the show's over and see how I feel.I don't know. Theatre love triangles can be complicated. Any advice would be appreciated.

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SeeWhy 59, Female, West Virginia, USA - 41 entries

Jun 2007
5:34 PM EDT

One of the managers came down from the hotel with his son. A cute little four year old with dinosaur pajamas on...so cute..lol Anyway, we talked about the fact that his family came in to visit him. They are still in transition with his new job. He talked about his wife and what they had like it was.....love. Is that possible? Can that be real? The look in his eyes as he spoke about him going home for his anniversary soon. God...how I want that. That all encompassing adoration. Does anyone else feel like they will die without love? I watched him...I watched as he talked about this woman who he misses when they arent together...as he ran his fingers through his sons curly blonde locks. He got his coffee and left me standing there while he walked away with all the feelings for her that I wished, hoped, prayed that someone would have for me. Why is that not out there for everyone. Beautiful, ugly, fat, skinny, black, white....everyone. I got teary eyed as he walked away. His son's hand holding on to his dad's shorts. I felt empty. I wanted so bad for someone to love me like that. Talk about me like that. I want to shine from someone's eyes too. Life is too hard...I know some people would just say...Die and get it over with. If you are that miserable.

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1 comment(s) - 04:58 PM - 06/12/2007

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