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Zen150 30, Female, Colorado, USA - 2 entries

Jun 2007
8:02 PM EDT

Hio,

My name is Nikki im 12 years old yes im a girl I love anime and I wish to speak japanease and im not the best speller so please dont lecture me about it I love to listen to music Metal mostly =] im not what you would call a normal girl im very weird and I get hyper alot I <3 candy all except the jaw breaker because I have a hard time with out swallowing them hole and I choke over them.My favorite song is Cupids Chokehold by gym class heros and thats all about be pretty much if you want to know anything about me send me a question and i'll write you back!

~Nikki~

Tags: Hi

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Holly 53, Female, New York, USA - 42 entries

Jun 2007
8:42 AM EDT

Owwww... I am in sooo much pain! I can barely walk, and it is agony to climb the stairs.Pat stayed home from work because I was crying this morning. I don't cry easily. I called my doc but she wasn't in. I will see another doctor in that practice this afternoon. I am nervous about that. I don't know what this other doctor is like. I don't really trust doctors. But I need one today.

I played my guitar for about a half hour this morning, and it helped. As long as I can still play I will be ok.

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auxilary25 40, Female, California, USA - 32 entries

Jun 2007
5:35 PM EDT

I'm so confused as to whether I'm being too harsh and selfish in the decisions I'm making towards alienating myself from my mom. My mother and I have never had a close relationship; we've never discussed anything personal. My mom always overreacts and turns everything I tell her against me. I've tried to make my mother happy in every way possible and all I've ever asked is for her to show me some trust.
As a teenager my mom never let me go out with friends nor my boyfriends because she always assumed that I would end up doing something "irresponsible" even though she really had nothing to lead her to that conclusion. I was always the girl that was left out of the events because I couldn't attend the sleepovers or the weekend trips to the movies as all the other girls on my colorguard team. My 11th grade year my mom made me miss out on my boyfriends senior prom and any time I went to the movies with him there she was by my side.
I thought that now that I'm in college my mom would lighten up and give me some breathing room but this isn't so. Instead, she still calls me 24/7 asking me where I'm at and where I plan to go. It irritates her that I'm with my boyfriends family sometimes during the weekend instead of home with her. To her "I'm just driving around" is never an acceptable answer as to where I'm at because she assumes that I'm out somewhere fucking my boyfriend. If my boyfriend comes over and stays until late she complains of the late hours that we are spending and how we don't let HER go to sleep because she can't fall asleep knowing my bf is in the house and could do anything with me when she goes to bed.
Whenever my bf and I cook for my mom she doesn't utter us a simple thank you or the food was great as another grateful mother should. Instead, she complains about the time the food was served, whether it was seasoned according to her spice preference, and whether or not the portion size was too small or too much. If I come home "late" she won't even say good-night back when I pass by her room and tell her "nite" and she ignores me whenever I say hello after coming in from jogging with my boyfriend at night.
I know and understand that my mother is a single mom and being stuck home alone isn't enjoyable for her. I understand that she wishes to have a companion so that she can take her mind off the loneliness every once in a while and I would GLADLY love to take my mother out but everytime I do there is just this tremendous awkward silence in the air. As we are dining all we can do is stare around and make comments about the restaurants service or the same repeated family gossip. When we go to the movies I feel extremely uncomfortable and not wanting her there because I find it unfair that now I have to take her to the movies because I'm understanding towards her yet I never was allowed to attend movies with my friends because she couldn't be understanding towards me.
I don't enjoy being in the same room with her because she always has to keep looking at me investigating what it is that I'm doing and asking a million questions about the tasks that I may be performing to make sure "I do them correctly." It bothers me that she always asks "why"..."why do you want to go to your cousins house".."why are u visiting your sisters".,."why are you going to your boyfriends house"..."why are you 2 going to sit in the car parked".."why are you going to school on a Saturday"..."why are you going to wash your car"..."why are you doing laundry today if you don't have 2 loads to wash"...GOD! I feel like yelling WHY THE HELL NOT!!??? BECAUSE I WANT TO!! That's WHY! Because I just feel like doing so...no reasoning behind it needed!
But everytime that I start acting harsh..whenever I leave her dinner in the kitchen all done so that she has to serve herself adn can't watch my boyfriend and I cook, everytime I silence my phone and decide not to answer her calls, everytime I leave EVERYTHING orgazined and I'm one step ahead so that she can't complain, everytime I avoid making any eye contact or even being home at the same time she is...THAT is when she decides to play the nice card..."the food was great...thank you for this or she just gives up complaining and gives me the silent treatment..
Why can't she just be this way whenever I'm not harsh? Why does it take such negative behavior and grotesque ways for her to appreciate what I do and make an effort to be nice? Why is it that then I end up feeling like a monster for a day...but the minute I lower my guard she's up criticizing me again stressing me out, giving me headaches, and leaving me in tears at the end of the night? Unfortunately, as a 21 year old college student I can't move on my own which seems the only solution to this tormenting problem. If I would, I'd have to say good-bye to my brand new car because it would be impossible for me to affort my monthly payment and the insurance bill. I would have to move back my estimated graduation from summer 2008 to summer 2009 because of the fewer classes I would be taking since I'd prob have to work fulltime to support myself. Plus I'd prob have to move away to another city because it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to afford my own apartment in this city.
I've been tempted so many times to just take a chug of alcohol right before my mom gets home that way I can take anything she sends my way lightly...but after an old therapist of mine warned me that my "home environment" could one day cause me an addiction I have fought against doing it...
AM I being dramatic? Is this emotional abuse more barable than I'm actually saying it is?

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1 comment(s) - 03:07 PM - 06/13/2007

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BiTtErSwEeT<3 30, Female, New York, USA - 8 entries

Jun 2007
5:27 PM EDT

Ok i think im freaked out know the sadness turned into fear and my dreams turned into....a black space with no dream. My Mom lied to me and said she was fine when she wasnt and im hurt. 2 priests came to my house with my moms friend Giselle. My mom is throwing up right now and i hate my life. It's this moment that i remember my dad rocking me to sleep and singing me a spanish lullaby and telling me that i will be blessed and have a great life.

I regret what he said. my life stinks i dont have a wonderful life like all the Waverly girls or the wannabes, i dont get clothes everyday and go on shopping sprees. It's only once in a while i do maybe every 4 months? maybe less??

None understands how scared i am to open my arms and say oh my life's great and i will be this or that. I miss my old life sitting with my dad and my family. My grandma playing catch with me when i was 5 or 2, my dad giving me presents on christmas, and my dad making me laugh when i was sad. It's one of these moments when you want to goon a time machine to go back in time and feel and laugh in the moments i've had with my dad. My Dad was the one that connected us even though he screwed up with my mom. I sometimes tell myself why do i keep living?? why do i keep holding on?? what am i holding on??

I wannago back andfeel my dad kissing me and hugging me. Making me feel spoiled without giving me everything i want. I was happy and every moment of that life....he made it great. I have tears down my eyes because what had happened i hate everything............................=[

bittersweet<3

goodnight! =]

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Holly 53, Female, New York, USA - 42 entries

Jun 2007
5:10 AM EDT

The open mic went well. I wore a new outfit I picked out myself. I played well but didn't sell any CDs. George and I were completely silly and Pat was getting annoyed with us.

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rotwood 37, Female, Nevada, USA - 3 entries

Jun 2007
1:03 PM PST

I am the marble and the sculptor. I think I need to chisel off a few chips from my shoulder.

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diary 30, Female, Florida, USA - 2 entries

Jun 2007
4:20 PM EDT

ilc

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andheartsme 34, Female, Hawaii, USA - 22 entries

Jun 2007
9:05 AM HAST

........... picture anyone?

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1 comment(s) - 02:59 PM - 06/13/2007

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andheartsme 34, Female, Hawaii, USA - 22 entries

Jun 2007
9:03 AM HAST

havent writtn in a while have i?

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xcheerfreakx 32, Female, Virginia, USA - 9 entries

Jun 2007
2:15 PM EDT

Dear journal,

MY day today was great well other then when i had gym class but anyway... Scott gave me his phone number and i have given him mine. I havent seen chris in like four days now and i really miss him so i just got done calling him and he said that he was about to go somewhere sp i had said ok i guess i will call ypu back l8tr. But i want to hang out and play with chris really bad i know he might have a girlfriend but i think i still love him. Tommarow at sewl we are tyding shirts and i cant wait so i can stop thinking about chris!! Britney dillow wants to fight me and chris is trying ti defend me but i dont need his help i can beat the shit out of her. just because im a cheerleader dont mean a damn thing. I take that back im a tomboy cheerleader fo r your information!!!!

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