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HAPPY NEW YEARS !!! This year is going to be a challenge. But I am looking forward to it.

1. Quit Smoking! Quit Smoking! Quit Smoking!

2. Kick ass in LVN program!

3. Exercise at least 30 minutes a day!

4. Get at least 7 hours of sleep at night.

5. Take Real Estate Principles Final Exam

6. Order and take R.E Practice and R.E Finance book/tests

7. Take and PASS Real Estate Exam

8. Keep on AdvertisingFDI websites!

So... a warm hearty welcome to 2008!

Whisper in your ear,

Kiss on your lips,

Beat in your heart,

Gleem in your eye,

Sweetness on your tongue,

Look for me and that is where you will find me. ~IvoryAngel

Welcome to "My World" Sit down and stay awhile once you enter you will never be the same again.

im a little angry but for me being grounded of the phone they say i go on it to much its bc there is nothing better in my life! i mean i do hang out with my best friends but seriously i have these two worst enimies Katarina and Kristina and like they are like torchering me! ok see i have this crush on this guy Jake and he goes to my school but i tlak to him on the cp and like they say things to him about me that arent true and they say that i am mean well u know what if they wnat me to be mean then i will! its as simple as that its not like brain surgery if they think that im a jerk let them see how im gonna be now im not some braty girl who walks around doing this but i not some innocent baby who is gonna be pushed around by the evil twins! yea there twins double themean double the torcher double the hate! see this is all what happened see me and my best friends Brooke and Jessie we never liked he to much drama and she told us our bads not goods so if i said she had a nice shit she would say u dont. she is the biggest jerk i know and then she says that she is to good for us (so to speak) in an email and goes i have better ppl to be around so we agreed and she comes crawling back saying im so sorry and we didnt forgive her we said your loss and this is how this happened now they are out to get us and they will do anything that they can to make our lives a living nightmare and i completely dispise them for that i mean really who would do that?!?! defenitly not me but on the bright side i got my friends by my side which makes it extra special! see i have a lot of ups and downs in my life but i got my friends but the biggest fown in my life was when i was by myself alone with no friends in fifth grade where the drama started see now im in sixth grade free of drama but in fifth it was drama drama drama lol i had to deal with Kattie more then ever she turned the whole entire school againest me twice she made everyone think i was a whore and a cheater and i got called a whore and other things but i didnt even do anything see she would pick one person to pick on and that was always me and Danielle Gray now see Danelle moved away from the drama and went to Brittany and now they are our friends now but back then i went back with Kattie and forgave her more then enough! then she betrayed me again and i didnt except the apoligy which was this year and im so glad that i didnt! and now another trip down the stairs of sad! my best friend in my whole life Jesica is moving to a different school its the worst thing that had ever happened to me! but thats all of today and the past explaining me and my up and down life!

Two weeks ago i worked with a Dr that was totally flirting with me. He asked for my info; knowing that he only meant my business info, i decided to write down my personal number too. I honestly didnt think he was going to call. for all i know, he could've been married.. But a week later , couple days after xmas he had called me. I didnt answer the phone cuz i didnt recognize the number. When i listened to the voice mail.. i freaked out. my stomach started turn into knots and i started sweating. It took me about a half an hour to calm my nerves but i finally called him. When he answered the phone, all those worries went away.. He was just so cool. and he had asked me out!

Friday night, he picks me up and the first comment out of his mouth is how amazing i look. Steven cleaned up nice himself. He's not very tall, clean cut hair, and stylish glasses. Very casual dress wear- jeans, button up shirt, and leather jacket. Because he is a Dr. for some reason i just assumed that he would have some nice type of car- benz, bmw, lexus.. something. But no, he had a Honda accord. It was kinda.. refreshing. Maybe because i was stressing that I was going to go out on a date with a doctor, and he turned out to be so down to earth.

We went for a little drive, trying to decide what we were going to eat. We decided on Sushi on the Rock in Encinitas. We had a Slippery When Went roll, catapillar roll, and 2 oyster shooters. and 2 large sapparos. haha It was very good. We sat across from eachother and liked looking at eachother. we talked about our travels and little random things but i just remember laughing a whole lot. We even help hends while talking. When we left, he wanted to take a little walk to kinda sober up. We ended up at Border's bookstore. we looked at books and talked so more. I found him really funny. They way he says things, is kinda dickhead-ish asshole way, but funny. I find that endearing, probably because I am the same way.

Decided to go back to my house. I really really wanted to kiss him. His kisses were nice. Not sloppy at all. I didnt think I was going to have sex with him but he just felt absolutely fabulous. I took him upstairs and i must say that being with him felt right. The way he held me as he was inside me. Not too big and definitely not small. He had this animalistic grunt and yell when he would cum. It was sexy- made me want him more. We had sex twice, before trying to fall asleep. He was thoughtful to turn on the heater earlier for me when i was cold, but we forgot to turn it down after. I think we both had a hard time sleeping. It was just so hot, and he had told me that he couldnt sleep very much and he didnt want to make me cold so he didnt turn down the thermostat. How thoughtful.

I got woken up around 5am by him. I absolutely LOVE wake up morning sex. It is the best. We probably had 3-4 rounds of morning sex before he left around 11am. He had to go to the hospital and do rounds and go to the gym, but he had said that he wanted to watch the patriots vs giants game with me. I thought that was the best idea ever.

He came back around 5pm and we got some beer and Mexican food. He had told me that he hadn't done drive thru in ages and that I would have to help him out. I thought it was totally cute. When the lady at the window gave him his change, he started to put his car in drive. I had to remind him that we didnt have the food yet. It gave me a good laugh.

We watched the awesome game that was NFL history. The giants would've won if Eli hadnt been Eli.

We were both exhausted from the night/earlier day, so we went to bed early. Bed, not to sleep. We had sex nice and slow. Very sensual. Was feeling every part of his body. He has more hair that I'm used to. But i find it sexy, i can run my fingers thru them haha.. he's not completely gross hairy- i dunnoo, i just like it.. I dont know what time he woke me up again but once again, great morning sex. That feeling is go great. We watched the jax/hou game in the morning. He was procrastinating but he really had to go to the hospital for rounds. I was really sad to see him go, yet so happy that I had such a fucking awesome weekend.

He had told me that i was beautiful, sexy, smart and a little silly. i think thats a good thing. Hopefully it is.

the San Diego Chargers beat the sorry ass Raiders. 30-17. See ya Tennessee in the playoffs!!!

On the way home from Burke we had a "talk" and it continued through the evening...

I said, I can tell he hasn't been happy, I've been too bossy, too negative, emotional and too impatient. Who would want to spend the rest of their life with "THAT"?? He said I have been those things and so those are things that makes him wonder if we are right for eachother. I said, I just want to be loved for who I am, and my TYPE A personality because that will probably NEVER change. I do need to change in the area of just being "nicer" and not so demanding and picky about every little thing but honestly, I've tried to change that, but its in my genes so I don't know how much that will really change. We both argreed we love eachother and always will...

He hasn't been "talking to me" /communicating about important things for over a month. I have been trying to work on the house plans and I needed to know if this merge (to Sundance) was really going to work because I was about to give up a lot... my house, and my job OR having to drive LOTS, it was just a lot to do and change if things weren't going to "work out." Cory finally told me today that he wasn't able to move to Sundance because of his job and asked if I would move to Spearfish but he undertood that I have a good job and a good situation in Gillette. I said, I wouldn't move to Spearfish and give it all up ,,,the main reason is: I want LAND for animals and to raise my boys in the country. If I buy land in Spearfish it would cost LOTS more than Sundance. PLUS IF I got a job in Spearfish I would take a $12,000 cut in pay so I'd be NOT as well off finacially! So, not a finacially smart move for me!

I also said I want (and he should want this too) to KNOW that I KNOW, that I KNOW that I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with him before I commit anymore. Sadly, I don't "KNOW" and I he doesn't either... doesn't that say something? we are NOT meant to be together. I am totally broken hearted because I do know that I could date 20 more guys and never find a man like Cory. He is amazing! I love so many things about him. He is awesome to the boys and I know he'd be a great daddy to them.But him and I need to make it "real" first and we can't seem to do that.

Another thing that has had me kind of upset is: He hasn't done anything "nice" for me in a LONG time! He use to surprise me and give me special things or a card or just do little sweet things but lately none of that. I only got flowers from him once ortwice and that wasso long ago I barely remember. Not thatI need flowers but I need a little Romance. Maybe that's because he's been so busy doing"dirty" work for me,,, painting,installing new light fixtures, and in general just staying busy "taking care of us". but I need more than that... in the area of LOVE. He hasn't told me I'm beautiful or anything. He can't look deeply into my eyes and tell me how he's so in love with me! (maybe because he's NOT!?) I am guessing he hasn't been making much effort towards making this relationship work because he's gotten "comfortable" OR he feels I haven't been worthy of anything Lovey beacause of my awful behaviors (listed above). Who knows, but I do know that we aren't IN LOVE anymore.

Lastly, the qualities that MR. Perfect isn't so perfect in are the passion and communication. He isn't passionate about me,,, and the above paragraph proves that. He just doesn't have that Passion that I'm looking for in a man. Also, I can't stand him NOT talking to me. As I said over a year ago I get tired of bringing upconcerns and him writing it off as "nothing". It wasn't NOTHING or I wouldn't have said anything about it and so I want to know he is listening and wants to talk things out to help me work out the problem. He's done this about the merge/house/land plans SSSOOO many times in the past several months. AGH! I get so frustrated when he won't talk or acts like he just doesn't care~!

God, I love him so much but I just don't think he is the one for me~! I wish so bad he was because I want him so much,but deep down in my heart I feel I can't go on with this relationship always wanting things to change. I don't think that is what a "near perfect relationship" is sopossed to be. It should be two people who totally respect and love eachother so much that they love eachother regardless of their personality issues. AND they don't want to change the other person or themselves. I just want to be loved for who I am... and I want to love my "husband" for who he is and I don't want to have feelings of wishing he would change all the time. I know no one is perfect and there's never a perfect relationship... there's got to be give and take and total repsect! Cory and I don't seem tohave that.

I am scared I won't have the strength to let him go... I want him back even knowing we probably aren't meant to be together. WHY? Am I just afraid of being alone? Did we get together too soon after DB died? WHY? and why can't we just love and respect eachother regardless of our personality flaws? I don't know,,, but I know I don't want to be ina relationship that just does't feel right. I'm sure there is a girl out there who is "more right" for him! He wants to get married, he wants to have a baby and he deserves to be loved and repsected and have some one who doesn't treat him like crap! (By the way, I have been thinking I will get remarried and possibly even have another baby if it all feels right,,, IF I know that I know, that that's what I really want!)

I guess, as heartbreaking as this is, Cory and I are NO LONGER!

Verstand is als een valscherm, wanneer men er geen heeft, valt men te pletter. - Pierre Desproges