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I just read the quote from William Ward (who's he?) and it�lent a�thought to me on gratitude as I was going to launch�on my thought/feelings�of my brother.

Am I grateful for him?�I guess I am, at times. Over the years I've thought that possibly my life�would be easier if he weren't born.���� Oh�man, that sounds harsh. But if you had the whole story you may think the same way. Right now I'm not feeling especially grateful to have him in my life. He's not really part�of my day to day because he lives too far away but he's in my thoughts alot. I currently have been worrying about him and get anxious if I think about him too much.�

I write to him but his responses are short and� cryptic. If I ask for him to elaborate or expound on a thought he says he can't, he often uses "I don't know" as an answer, this is a dead end. I believe he doesn't want me to know much about him these days.

"These days" refers to the time since his break up with Claudia. I'm assuming that they are still married but not living together. Claudia said in her last email that she's finding it harder to keep denying to herself that her marriage is over. She has people telling her to move on but she's not ready, 25yrs is most of her life and it's been centered on my brother - for better or for worse it was what it was.� Brother sent me a quote last week, "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it", my understanding of that quote is that he's referring to how much he wanted out of his marriage and now that he is out he's not so happy about it. See what I mean about being cryptic?

I wonder how it would be if he were living nearer to me. With these many miles between us it's easier to make excuses for not communicating regularly with him. The distance has kept us from witnessing each other's lives so we only know what the other tells us.�Since his separation from C. I get two�different stories - to be sure! My belief is that he wants me to think/feel only a certain way for him. He wants me to unconditionally love him - nothing wrong with that I'm sure. He can't stand any judgement from me - gonna get some of that in life.�He has collapsed under my disapproval - he should have seen it coming.�

I bet he has a fantasy of how he is thought of by me and mine. As he has been so distructive to his family I would think that it's sad for him that I don't think/feel the same about him now. Which makes it logical that he doesn't communicate willingly these days.

Yep, I think I'm on to something! If I were ashamed of myself, my actions, I'd want to stay out of the spotlight. I guess I'm pretty important to him and he's doing what he has to do to keep his pride with me...

Interesting. Journaling really helps.

Hello my name is Polina and i guess i decided to folloe throught this thing two years later hahaha i love that every time i check my email there would be new messages every day replying back to my little journall and at first i ignored them but then i started to read the responses and they actually were pretty amazing i almost thought it was a computer writing them! i hope not� at least! Well from 2005 alot has happened i matured alot and i think i actually found my self alot of people tell me i am way to mature for my age but barerly thew people actually know my age since i was born in europe i dont like the states very much they say its a free country but i think its anything but free basically all my friends in europe dont have curfews drinking limits or ids and they are all perfrctly fine and here in the states my friends have all that and they very drunk and stuoid all the time i guess its called a sense of rebelleiust liosm and i used to be like that and i actually changed at a very young age where most people start! and i am very proud of my self!Lets�go back acouple of years when i first posted thid thing i was all about fitting in being popular and shit like that and guess what its not the best thing for you my fresh men year i hated so i transfered into independant studies and out� of nowhere i got all these friends that people in my grade looked up to and they all wanted to be my friends and guess what the people that i used to be wanting to be friends with so bad dint even matter any� more i just loved the friends that i had at the moment but more than half of them became back stabbers all the sudden i realized what it was like to have alot of friends in the states and it was not a good experience!

People are just soo jealouse and i always had to step down let my girl friends have the guy� so there wont be any tention! Now my best friends name is steven and i love to hang� out with him i guess i became thats oc party girl but im more that just that and sometime my friends wonder why i hang out with steven and honestly its because i am sooo sick of o.c�califronia i love right by the beach a block away i have all the friends i ever wanted i get invited to alot of parties and now i barerly go to any of them orange county is fake most of my friends are fake i want to go back to europe i can not stand haning aroung people my age they are wayy to immature and i cant satnd going to stupid parties where every one lives of denial of the future and just parties and does drugs maybe thats why i have a fake or maybe its because where i was born and i thought my self at a very young age how to be responsible

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Got an early call yesterday from Evelyn. She doesn't usually call me on a Tuesday morning so I was somewhat alarmed at first. I didn't recognize her voice, and she didn't get mine either, she was asking for my mother, lol. Once we got that out of the way she launched on her story of her fall at Macys the day before. She fell in the bathroom and bumped her head pretty bad, ended up having perimedics come and read her blood pressure which was too high so she was taken to the hospital. Her neighbor who'd taken to the mall went with her and they spent the rest of the afternoon in the ER when they let her go home.

She was calling me because she was going to need some help, she was deemed "fine" by the Dr. but she was feeling pretty bruised up and having trouble standing for very long. As usual she was more concerned about her "kitties" than herself. I'm sure they are her reason to keep living day after day!

I was in the midst of my morning stuff - housework, exercise, shower and a busy day ahead.�So when she said there was no rush I felt less pressure. First thing was for me to get on the phone to find possible caregivers for her to call in the future. This is a constant worry for me - she doesn't take this need as seriously as I do and she's usually finding herself quite alone and frustrated during times of ill health. Then I get the call with her pitiful voice explaining that she has no-one else and I have no choice but to drop my life to tend to hers.

She didn't need much from me yesterday though I spent the whole afternoon with her. I mostly sat (wishing�she'd let me clean�up some)�and watched her eat and kept her company. As time went by I thought she was coming around, she still looked pained by moving & couldn't stand straight but she seemed more alert than when I first got there. I�was assured by that so around 4pm when she got settled back in after our trip to the store I headed out to try to catch up on my day's chores.

I may hear from her again today so I'm not sure what Wednesday is going to offer me in terms of the things I want to get done. I've got a few hrs. work at Pam's, I want to go to the glass maker�and look into getting�our new mirrors made, have to go to Casa to pick up Sean's HS packet for registration next week (woo-hoo!).

Right now I'm finishing up my coffee and feeling ready to hit the treadmill! So I'll seeya till next time.

Choice of -gram cracker crust

store bought, homemade, whatever

1/2 c whipping cream

1- 8oz pkg cream cheese

1/2c sugar

2T dark rum or orange juice

1T vanilla

1/4 tsp almont extract

~combine and mix until smooth

pour into crust, chill 3-4 hrs

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2 medium peaches, nectarines or any stone fruit thinly sliced

2T lemon juice

1/2c fresh rasperries, blueberries or any other small round berry

1/4c favorite preserves+2 T honey

Arrange sliced fruit on top of chilled cream filling.

Decorate with berries and drizzle mixed preserves on top of everything.

1c sugar

2T vinegar

2c corn syrup

2T butter

************************

Boil all ingredients until "soft ball" stage

pour over 6-8 qts of popped, buttered popcorn

Roll into softball sized balls or allow to cool on flat cookie sheet and store in lg tin.

1c butter softened

1tsp vanilla

2 1/4c flour

1/8 tsp salt

3/4c chopped nuts

1/2c sifted powdered sugar for dusting

**************************************

Mix butter, sugar and vanilla

Sift flour and salt. Stir into mixture

Add nuts, chill dough

Roll into 1" balls place 2 1/2" apart

Bake on ungreased cookie sheet for 20 mins @ 350deg.

After completely cooled, place into baggie with powdered sugar and shake until evenly coated.