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Ok, time to get back into writing...

hi.

talk to me?

i'm happy.

but incredibly bored.

so comment please.

baaaaaaai.

:)

hey everyone whats up? ok yeah um this is my first time on something like this...so yeah.

i raelly miss him so much do u ever get over the loss of someone u love so much??? i should have never gotten married in the first place before i dealt with the loss of jon i loved him more than anything and we were happy together then all my happiness and joy was stolen from me when jon tragicaly commited suicide. i don't think it ever get's easier although people try to tell u it does i just wish it didn't hurrt sooo bad but hopefully someday i can get over all the pain and the hurt and the feelings� of how he'll never get to see his daughter god please help me i miss him sooooo much he's always in my thoughts and i always wonder what might have been !!! does the pain ever stop??? should i have gotten some kind of grief counceling??? now how do i tell his daughter about him the daughter he wanted more than anything and the daughter he never knew he had because i found out i was pregnant 3 weeks after his funeral i reallly and trully wanted to die from the pain of loosing him and even though it's been since dec 03 since he died it's still not any easier i love jon soooooooooooo much someone help me please im going crazy i should love my husband lke he loves me but i can't why why cant i love him the way he's meant to be loved is it because i can't let go and go on??????????????

�I have had spring fever, so I was happy to have a 4 day weekend. Still, I have not done the things that I pictured myself doing. I want to clean up my outside area and make it nice and spiffy. I sweeped a little bit but my poor old aching back is sore and doesn't like that activity. I need one of those dustpans with a pole. That looks so easy, and fun almost. I can get one of those sticks with a pokey nail at the end to pick up debris. That looks really fun and it can double as a weapon. I can protect myself from home invaders with something like that. They will run and cover their eyes in fear of me poking out their eyeballs. Truthfully, I could never poke out somebodies eyeballs, even if I was in iminent danger. It would be gross. If you are a bad guy and reading this, don't get too confident. I might feel differently if you were stealing my silverware.

I've spent too much time on the outside looking in to recognize what it's like to be�an insider.

That's what I'm afraid of and�that I might sabotage myself with my father and his family. I am told that I am�"family", they have been including me since Shirley's illness and death. Lisa and Dad at least, are calling and saying all the right words, I have a really good vibe when I'm around them and want to be more and more. But the doubts creep in my thoughts after a little bit, like when I called to see how his dr. appt. went he�said�that I didn't need to call. I played it off but felt the wall come up. That's something you tell an outsider not your daughter. Hmm..thinking�here now that I've reread that last paragraph -�that's about him, yes!

See? I think my own insecurities�about his love for me�run around in my mind and might�try to keep things from changing. When I lay my 'cards' on the table I can see that my relationship with him is getting much better and that has to remain�the focus and don't let my 'little abandonded girl' do the interpreting of his words/actions. She doesn't trust him and rightfully so. But I'm in charge now, I can and will protect her from being hurt. I can speak for her and give her what she needs.�Speaking of 'needs' �I have the strongest feeling that he's the dependent one in this relationship. I think he's most comfortable with people that don't need anything from�him emotionally speaking.

I have to remind myself everytime I feel...what is it?...happy? excited? hopeful? not sure exactly, maybe something like those, anyway when I get that feeling, I immediately think to myself, "hold it, don't make any conclusions just yet, don't be expecting too much cause you got to keep the old man from running". I am almost convienced that that's what he's most attracted to in Lisa, she's a very strong, independent woman and I know, for myself,�she makes me feel very comfortable around her, I see that he definately does�too.

There has to be a balance though, if I project too much independence it could look like I'm standoffish and if I lean on him too much he'll topple over. It's a tightrope at this point.

I really needed to get these thoughts down and out of my head. In time I will see, things will work out and everything's going to be fine.