This must be the end..

tears will not stop for anyone..

heart has quit beating.. it just thumps in my chest..

I constantly bent myself to please him..

he constantly made statements..

to further confuse me..

when asked to clarify..

he didnt want to have that conversation..

now here we are.. not having conversations.

the final statement.. was said.. and he speaks the truth..

"I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU DO..." SAID RUTH..

RUTHLESS.. ABSOLUTELY THE NAME IS TRUE..

WITHOUT SO MUCH AS BATTING AN EYE HE CONVEYED THAT WE.. WERE THRU.

HURT.. SO DEEP IT CUTS MY HEART IN TWO.

by the same man who told me.. 'I wont lie to you.. or hurt you'� and like a dummy i believed him too..

his word once was golden.. if he said he was goind to he did..

i believe every word that came out of his crooked mouth..

until the forked tounge became apparent..

ima do what i want to do reguardless.. he would say.

clearly he did this.. so things would turn out this way.

if not then why..� because i tried to be the best version of me.. for him.

and he kept telling me i wasnt enough to the point where i almost started to believe it..

but then i realized.. that it was he who knew he wasnt near perfect that refused to change..

surival of the fittest will leave a mothafucka dead and alone.. in a cold world thats strange.

im constantly changing to be the best me I can be.. adapting to my enviorment and situation so that i can keep up with the world..

while clearly hes perfect.. because he does what he wants.. and the world passes him by.

Hes a great cop, great soilder.. but horrible boyfriend... because he refuses to share.. his feelings, his life.. and most of all his heart.

i dont like that mushy shit he says.. when its the mushy shit which he has taken to heart.

I like having the comfort of coming home and knowing that one person is not going to bullshit me.. .

that with this person.. its cut and dry.

the same way he was with me.. before the gray area that were emotions that he clearly did not know how to handle came into play.

hed rather have a live in whore.. who cleans up behind him.. than have a girlfriend.. no strings attached and he knows what hes paying for. Apparently i stress him.. clearly he stresses me. But i dont try to avoid all conversations around it for the sake of not having a real conversation..

im single i guess....

my first real investment in a relationship has failed..

im a failure.. but im not alone.

as both of us failed..

apparently we failed eachother..

because apparently i didnt live up to his expectations..

and clearly he wanted no expectations to live up to...

he just wants to live.

so do i..

because right now.. im dying..

in more ways than one.

i loved this man to pieces..

wanted to see him be the best version of himself.. and excel.

he wanted me to be his live in call girl..

bend over and take it every now and then..

totally abandoning my emotional needs..

i hate him..

i hate me more..

because its my fault i let him in..

in my heart..

but he didnt want what i had to offer...

it took me three years to pull myself together last time..

Home,

I cant stand that place...

�Home,

I'd rather not show my face...

He screams at me,

I�swear he's crazy...

I run for the door,

Cant take much more...

He takes a swing,

Trying to stop my leaving,

�But in the end theres no where to go,

I�probably should have left a while ago...

I never knew what I�did wrong,

So I held on and stayed strong...

Hopping things would get better,

Except the bruises grew darker...

The punishments grew harsher,

Everything crashed into one big blur...

So I�left without looking back,

No longer worrying about another attack...

�

first off all i am very very confused. It's this really cute boy in my class that i really adore. He's funny n cute n keeps me smilin from one end of my face to the other.

Today our skool went on a trip , but like ten of us didnt go. we had to go to another class that just so borin. i kept lukin at him cuz he's just really cute n talked al little that made me feel really gud

but other's days before May,20.2009 he really dont talk to me. He talk to my bestfriend but never talk to me. I mean he'll say sumthin 2 me every once in a while but not lik he talk to my best friend. Sumtimes i wonder well maybe he lik her. I already kno he lik me but i wonder if i should say use to lik me . i wonder if i should tell him that i lik him but this is startin to get me cunfused but also i think he just dont want anyone to kno he lik me

Mz.Qura

Very Confused about M_C_A_l

tell me wat u should do contact me pleeeeeeeeezzzzzzzze

well i guess he does know b/c of....

of you chelsea irenee fisher!

RAWR!

next time b4 saying anything like that

make sure he isn't behind you.

�

but now i know he knows i still love him <3

does he love me back thats the question

that haunts me hahahaha <3

Perfect Illusion
�

Part 1:

They torment me,
�

Inside my home,
�

Never being anything,
�

Except truly alone.
�

Feeling the weight,
�

Put me under pressure,
�

Hating to let go,
�

Of life’s easy pleasures.
�

Of course they don’t know me,
�

The one who soul,
�

Still bleeds…
�

�

Part 2:
�

Why?
�

People have lied all my life,
�

They have left me with so many questions and two little answers.
�

Begging to hold on to happiness,
�

Pleading to let go.
�

I have no simple ery,
�

No place to go.
�

They see me smile,
�

But do not se the scars,
�

From when I was but a mere child.
�

They wonder why I act so happy,
�

But most of my family,
�

Can see the brokenness inside.
�

I am chocking on my words.
�

And loosing it all too quick,
�

Now’s not the time,
�

To play any tricks.
�

�

Part 3:
�

I stand,
�

Leaning over,
�

The sink.
�

Taking a good look,
�

At the image Staring back at me.
�

Holding my self up.
�

As I begin to bleed.
�

This blood is shed,
�

This blood is lost.
�

This is my escape from death.
�

I stare up into the sky.
�

Wanting so much to be apart of it.
�

Never knowing what part I’m left with.

�

Part 4:
�

Listening the others around,
�

They do notice me,
�

But they don’t know,
�

How often I’ve fallen to the ground.
�

I fight to many wars inside,
�

To keep the happiness alive.
�

I jump from,
�

One emotion to the next.
�

They can’t see,
�

The hurt that hides inside my chest.
�

Looking deep into my thoughts.
�

Breaking down,
�

When ever thoughts,
�

Of my father cross.
�

�

Part 5:
�

He never meant to hurt me,
�

Or at least he says so…
�

He’ll always says,
�

“I’ll protect you from pain,”
�

But the only pain I feel,
�

Is the pain that he parades.
�

Cracking in my voice,
�

I try not to speak.
�

Everything,
�

Just makes me feel so weak.
�

Hating what I’ve become,
�

Falling into the numb.

�

�

Part 6:
I’m feeling too banged up,
�

This emotion stuck in my gut.
�

He’s holding me closely,
�

And promises t will be ok.
�

He’s to innocent for me,
�

To dance the days away
�

�

I ask him from something,
�

He thinks I need a better way,
�

But I demand,
So he gives it to me anyway.
�

Just six hits,
�

That’s all it’ll take,
�

Just six hits,
�

And I won’t have to break.
�

I feel so dizzy,
�

My mind flows into the party.
�

�

I can barely grasp what’s happening,
�

Yet I’m laughing hysterically.
�

If the world moves too fast,
�

I beg it to slow down,
�

As I fall to the ground.
�

I don’t notice I’m falling,
�

Until I start to bleed.
�

Hating my self,
�

Because the world hates me.
�

�

Part 7:
�

Picking up the lighter,
�

And a pack of menthols,
�

No one sees me better,
�

Compared to this,
�

No one at all.
�

Chocking one down after another,
�

No one sees but me.
�

Laughing at the intimate.
�

Hacking at the porn.
�

Taking it all in,
�

And finally blowing out.
�

This is the one thing,
�

I’ll never really doubt.
�

Getting pissed at the world,
�

No one knew what I could do,
�

No one except me,
�

And now you.
�

���
�

�

Part 8:
�

See I’m the perfect illusion,
�

I get good grades,
�

I hide the pain,
�

I keep my other life secret,
�

And I don’t talk of the streets.
�

Now you can see,
�

Five minutes in the life of me.
�

What if

��� what if your best guy friend is gay and you fall in love with him and he will never love you back in the same way?

��� what if all the poor become rich and the rich become poor?

��� what if girls can't get pregnant and guys can?

�� what if the world stops sninning and instead�it bounces up and down?

� what if everything will change and there is nothing to help that?

��� what if there is no doctors and we all get sick and there is noone to help?

��� what if people can't die, would we become very old and really sick and you have to live like that forever?

�� what if the world over populates?

�� what if there is no such thing as love and no such things as friends and families?

�� what if we were a lie to this universe?

�� what if we will never touch the ground again b/c there is no gravity?

��� what if?

i know this random

but i was really bored....

I have so many options. I could go completely gay, or be a nun, or become a hermit. I'm sick of having to deal with people. None of them know shit!

Do you remeber me,

The little girl who watched the sea?

Always left in the dark,

After the day we fell apart...

Do you remember me,

When you whatch her spin round & round?

Like I�did once on the playground...

Reaching up for the sky

Wishing I�could fly...

Do you remember me,

When you lay down in the grass?

And all the time that passed...

Do you remember me,

When your holding her tight?

Whispering everything will be alright...

And those rainy days,

When we lost our selves in each others gaze...

Do you remeber me?

Heya journal,

�����������B had a birthday bash today. The first thing that came to mind was that " Do you think my present is a good present?" Honestly, I think her presents rocked more last year. This year, nobody really put their heart into it - including me. I did try though, i just never knew that Comex Hobbies didn't have any pikachus. Or.. I would've gotten her one you know? For me, I think the worse present you can ever get ... is just ... money. no offence. I�think that money isn't ... from the heart? When somebody gives me money for my birthday. It gives me the impression that money can by anything. - it's just me.

�������� With more people at her house this year. it was TONS more fun!�Not including her annoying little brat cousin Sylvia.

��������I GOTTA GET MY LEARNERS� SOON!�Or at least before they raise the ages to 16. WOOH .

I who loves to journal.

����������� blahbee