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    RollerCoasterLove  37, Female, California, USA - 2 entries
09
Aug 2007
4:12 PM EDT
   

Sometimes i just dont understand what ive done wrong. one day he acts like he loves me, the next he acts like i annoy him. im trying to become a better girlfriend, but hes not trying to be a better boyfriend. it doesnt help that all his friends are younger and more immature and dont have serious girlfriends to understand his situation. i think when he gets around them, he changes. into this "single" guy who doesnt give a fuck about me. im always tryna talk about our problems and tryna resolve it, but just randomly outta nowhere hell make it seem like he dont wanna try. when just yesterday he told me "i love you" "i miss you" "im thinking about you". and today i say "am i ur girlfriend" and he tells me "not really." and i say ur throwing me off telling me u love me one day and the next im not ur girlfriend. and he tells me "u threw me off when you moved out". is he tryna make me feel guilty? is he having money issues? financial problems stressing him out? and he blames me? i wanna work things out but how can i with someone whos not willing to try...instead i think to myself why dont i just walk away from all of this. just say fuck him and end it all for good... one day were okay. the next it seems like its all over. its this up and down roller coaster. ive try to change.. ive been making him dinner, avoiding issues i would usually argue about that upsets me... but i guess he doesnt see it. hes too stubborn to see where im coming from.. i kno theres a lot hes done, or hasnt done,to upset me, but im tryna see from his point of view and quitting all the "nagging", the fighting, the arguing.. im tryna do things for him to remember why he fell for me. but with him.. he just doesnt see me as something fortunate to have.. what do i do? i love him.. i dont want all this to end.. i just want everything to be okay again
1 comment(s) - 11:09 AM - 09/19/2012
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Current Tags: betrayed, boyfriend, confused, cry, girlfriend, heartbreak, hurt, lonely, lost, love, sad, tears, upset

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    Ranilyn  27, Female, Canada - 26 entries
12
Jul 2015
2:49 AM MDT
   

Addiction

Drunk on stories
Drunk on the lives of the characters - their bravery, their joy, their struggle, their pain, their persistence and resiliency
Drunk�
on the unconditional and awe-inspiring love shown and felt by these people
even in face of unexpected betray from someone so close that they trusted
- like a dull carving knife into one's heart
And yet, through the pain, through the agony, they bear a vicious grin with blood pouring out of their mouths, standing tall to fight.
Or they reach out and continue to love, love, and love and save
the one who had coldly pierced their exposed hearts
even if it meant taking the knife out of their murderer's hands
and further impaling themselves on it
(for all those characters who still chose to save those who hurt them, even if it meant giving up their lives)

I am drunk on their courage
their dammed unwavering loyalty�
(Oh Stefan my heart broke for you and I am in awe at your faithfulness to Marsilia)
I am drunk on their ability to find what they firmly believe
And stand for it in the face of unshakeable odds
And they come out battered, bruised, damaged, and perhaps even weaker than before
But before you stands a man who you can only look upon with great respect
and admire for making the tough choices of doing what they think is right
- though sadly enough, as we all know intimately, that sometimes that doesn't mean it is
(Thank you Harry Dresden, for teaching us that it's okay that sometimes our very best is not enough. We must always pick ourselves up and keep going, even through the face of our mistakes)
I am drunk on the lives they have lived
The decisions they have made
The adventures they have embarked upon
The loves that they had
The enemies and temptations they fought
The things they learned

The lessons they taught

I cry as they have cried through heartbreak, pain, and death

I wept among their family and mourners in their funerals

I laugh at their comical antics or the absurd situations they found themselves in

I felt the fierce swell of triumph when the underdog stands straight once again,
from the beaten pile of limbs,grinning with blood in our teeth and conviction of our victory in our eyes

- or at least our damned determination to see it through at the very least

I drink and drink and drink

of these stories spun masterfully by skilled writers

I drink until I cannot tell if I am drinking ambrosia or poison,

until I cannot tell if it inspires life in me when I am weary of the struggles and monotony of life

�or if it leaves me drugged for a fantastical substitute�

numb to real life

unable to cope with facing my own trials,
always longing and desperate for the next hit

Like a drug addict who despises his sorry situation

but makes no move to confront and make a change in his lifestyle

choosing instead to escape by injecting another wonderous shot of ecstasy

that slide through your veins like the sweetest bad decision you've ever made

I drink until I only know that I fear sobrierty

And then I drink some more so that even that fear is gone and I can live through

someone else's pain and someone else's joy

so I do not have to face my own.
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Current Tags: addiction, escape, hurt, pain, poetry, reading, rough draft

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