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I'm sitting here by myself in the hotel room. Steven is downstairs working on some project downstairs in the lobby. Leaving me to be myself, im left alone with nothing else but my thoughts and feelings.

While, i'm glad to be going home back to sunny san diego (even tho i hear that its raining) i dont want to leave. I've found myself feeling so god damn comfortable. Sleeping next to him, waking up next to him- being in his arms. He makes love to me and i can do nothing but look into his eyes. I like.. no, i love the way he looks at me when he's inside me. our eyes connect and its just something special. Well, it is to me- i dont know what he thinks. He tells me i'm beautiful or how fucking hot I am. But you know men- for all i know, i could seriously just be being used for sex. It's nothing new to me- used and abused. Sometimes I wished I didnt feel. Just be able to enjoy the feeling, without having those feelings of wanting something more. Something deeper... i can't help it. i wear my fragile heart on my sleeve. I expect so much - i wish i expected NOTHING. Take it for what it is- day by day. But no.. i'm fucked up. i hurt myself.. for absolutely nothing. There's nothing for me to feel sad for. i should only be feeling happiness.. i really should. But its not like that. not at all. its that clock ticking inside of me. Wanting to know.. wished he would tell me how he felt. I can believe i even let my feelings known, and he doesnt really say anything.... not that he has to - probably haw nothing to say. Probably feels nothing- to that extend. Just enjoys my company- enjoys my body. nothing more nothing less. can't ask him- cuz he wont really answer..... i already know.

I'm watching him work across the table from him. His eyes so intense... i love his jaw line, so defined. glasses on, glasses off- he's so sexy. I really can't stand it.

It really is my fault. I'm just attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable to me when i all i want is their love. Or they are the men who show their love in ways that are unknown to me. He's already admitted he's not the romantic type of guy- and here i am, ms. hopeless romantic... mismatch in heaven? Do i just learn how to deal? I guess i have no other choice.

i loved him so much then found out he was cheating wif my best mate on me !?!?!?

he says he still really loves me but y should i be wif him !!!!!

except the main problem is i love him to !!!!

2/16/08

I am now back in Virginia but only to visit friends and family. I really want to move back here but i dont want to leave my boyfriend Patrick in New York. I love him sooo FUCKING MUCH!!!!!!! I would do anything for Patrick just because i love him sooo much and i would die for him. my day was okay but Chris came over to jonathon's house and OMG did drama start. At first my day was starting out awsome until chris came over and didnt go home until 9:30 ugh!!! He was getting sooo FUCKING ANNOYING!!!! I really miss Patrick i just want to run up to him and makeout with him while i am hugging him and i would never let go lol. I miss him sooo much!!!! Now im waiting for him to get back on aim so i can talk to him because he doesnt have a cell phone and i dint really know his house phone either. i know that with me being his girlfriend and all that i should at least remember his number by heart but i dont and feel bad about that and just between u and me i dont even know his last name. i feel so ashamed!!! i am so freaking tired so im going to bed. peace out!!!!

SceneTrashStar

Today Madisyn is exactly one month old!! last night she fussed so much i barely slept. Today im a little cranky from lack of sleep but i guess ill be ok!! i have an amazing mother as i may have told you before she got up with maddi this morning at 6:30 when she started crying! My mom is terrific any time i need her to get up with maddi she does it helps me so much!! she lets me nap during the day when i need to.. she is just totally amazing!! im truly lucky to have a mom as wonderful as mine.. she means the world to me!!

MOM,

your trully amazing and you mean the world to me.. i wanna tell you how much i love you tho i think you already know!! I love you so much.. as a mom, as

Dear Journal,

Well, let's start off with today is my sister's birthday and she's 20 oh my god:] my sister i used to play gold fish, talent shows, barbies, and barbie computers games with is 20 fucking years old. Life's going by so fast i remember when i first moved here in 3rd and now im in 7th omg. it's already been 5 years. Well, i got a cat Shadow in october and guess what hes a black cat and dont say hes bad luck because he's not . I read online if you let a black cat into your house it's good luck. Anyways, my teacher was on the news today it was so cool. A 9th grader at the highschool but her in a headlock i was like whoahh!

today in school my crush was in the hallways and he looked at me so right now your like wtf? he looked at you big woopdie doo stfu it's good for me. Im not that type of girl with naturally straight hair and perfect skin. I have curly hair and I have to straighten it for like 5 hours every week . I take showers I just put a cap on so i dont damage my hair. there is so much judging at my school and it's not even funny. Well, anyways i missed religon yesterday cause i didnt feel like going i was SO tired it wasnt even funny. Saturday, we might go to red lobster to celebrate my sister's birthday i cant wait we're having cake in a few minutes yayayayayay! ITS ICECREAM CAKE OHH EMM GEE. Well, i better go before my mom and my sister start eating . LOL

Lovee,

That Spanish Girl:]