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Total public posts: 13

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Saturday - Dec. 2, 2006 - 12:25 PM - CST - #13

W. has been crabby for the last couple days now. I am babysitting over night for my sister and for some reason he is so not happy. Wait until I take this job that I have applied for. Things are never on a good and even keel for too long. Have a great weekend everyone!!!!!!

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Thursday - Nov. 30, 2006 - 9:52 AM - CST - #12

The last 24 hours were relitivly boring...W had pool last night and I went to watch even though he was tired and crabby. Otherwise life is just moving along. Not terrible but not great either.

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Wednesday - Nov. 29, 2006 - 1:31 PM - CST - #11

IS it still considered an affair if all you are in it for is the emotional support and the guy is a state away? I know my husband loves me but it seems more and more that when I talk he interups with somthing that we should do for the bar...the business that we own. Well he actually does all the work my name is just on it because we are married and if he should die I am the lucky gal that gets the damn thing. Don't ever think that owning a bar is a glamorous occupation. I just need more...I am sick of hearing well you know more about this fertility stuff then I do just do whatever you think. Why wouldn't he take the time to learn about it? I just want more...and I seem to be getting it just not from the right source. I have found myself in the middle of an emoyional affair.

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Wednesday - Nov. 22, 2006 - 8:19 AM - CST - #10

It has been a long time since I have written. My husband and I are doing alright now but I know this will never be the marriage I hoped to have unless he gets help with his drinking. I know that he won't get help while I am there and with no kids in the picture there is little reason to stay. I am not ending the marriage just yet because people do change. But I have set my own plans into motion time for my to stop waiting for life to happen to me and make it happen.

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Monday - Nov. 6, 2006 - 1:54 PM - CST - #9

I called the fertility department yesterday...They have agreed to give us another shot...W is one lucky SOB. The realistic side of me thinks that I know better then to bring a child in to this maddness...But my dream is to big to ignore. I cry every day thinking that I may never be a mother. W has promised to take this seriously this time...God help him if he goes back on this promise. Things have been good between us lately but you are always waiting for the next disappointment. Is it possible that a week of not talking to him turned him around? If so why did I wait so long to try that tactic? I just pray that this is for real.

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2 comment(s) - 08:12 AM - 11/18/2006

Thursday - Nov. 2, 2006 - 2:34 PM - CST - #8

All has settled down in the house now and things so far are looking to be alright. Have I forgotten how much he hurt me? Of course not... but I also haven't forgotten that I love him and despite his behavior I think he loves me. I am hoping that at the most this is just a bad year and love really does conquer all. I still have my steps in line to move out if I need to. I haven't forgotten just forgave.

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Monday - Oct. 30, 2006 - 2:45 PM - CST - #7

I still have not talked to my husband much. Only to yell at him. He has been staying at the bar until 2:30 all weekend. Last night I told him I could just move a bed there for him so is that he wouldn't have to be bothered by coming home to his wife. He has still not apoligized and that alone makes me want to leave him and start a new life. Then I start to think what a big step that will be and I am a bit intimedated by it all. I know I will be fine on my own. I was alone before I met him. Perhaps it is the enormous and foolish size of my heart that feels bad for what he will lose. I know the whole story...live for you...make yourself happy...he did this to himself. But it is all so different when you are in the situation. I wish someone could swoop in and make this choice for me. I miss the simplicity of my life. When we were happy and new. I miss knowing that he loved me. I thought he would be the one person that I would never have to question his love for me...all that has changed in the past 2 months.

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1 comment(s) - 10:03 PM - 11/02/2006

Thursday - Oct. 26, 2006 - 7:39 AM - CST - #6

Well I still haven't spoken to my husband since hanging up on him yesterday morning. I am in utter disbelif that he would not take the bull by the horns and just try to patch what he has so clearly screwed up. It is so easy to picture myself with my ex on these days. Is this marriage over?

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Wednesday - Oct. 25, 2006 - 2:21 PM - CST - #5

My nerves did not go unfounded. My husband did drink thought out the week and a half that he was not suppossed to. Bring back a sperm count this morning of .1 million. Last time was 2.8 million for comparison value. I am heart broken. Lost and alone. How could you do that to someone? How could you do that to someone that you LOVE? The fertility department will not do another insemenation with counts that low nor would it be worth it at this point. Can our marriage survive this? Can I find the strength to wake up childless every morning look at him knowing he's the reason and not hate him. My heart is in a million pieces today.

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Monday - Oct. 23, 2006 - 9:20 AM - CST - #4

Today is starting out good. I am nervous though. My Husband and Ihave our forth round of insemanations on Wednesday morning. It is very crucial that he not drink these next couple days. How sad is it that I can't even trust him to do that? All I can do is hope that he understands the importance of this.

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Thursday - Oct. 19, 2006 - 7:40 AM - CST - #3

So far today life is going according to plan. We are in the throws of fertility treatments and I go to the doc. tomorrow. Not that going to the Doc. is ever any fun especially that one. But my husband and I had a good night. He shoots on a pool league and I went last night to watch. Now I am babysitting my neice. She is almost one and cute as a button. Shes sleeping now. So this is my only time on the computer since I have opted to not have it at home since I am here three days a week. So I will not have a chance to write over the weekend. Hope everyone is well.

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Wednesday - Oct. 18, 2006 - 10:19 AM - CST - #2

How is it that I am so in love with two guys? My husband of four years is a great guy but not exactly there for me emotionally...not the way I thought my marriage would ever turn out. I waited until mid 20's to get married for the reason that I wanted to be sure and I was sure. Now, everything has changed. I see him becoming more and more of an alcoholic and I don't know how to control it. So I do all I know is comfortable I resort back to old love letters from ex's and especialliy the one that I have never fallen out of love with. I guess it is hard to call him a boyfriend...I was the other woman. I wasn't married at the time but he was and still is. It ended badly, as most affairs do and I didn't think that I would see him again. Four years ago as my husband and I were building our house my husband set up a plumbing and heating company to do the work and of course they would send my ex!!!! My husband know nothing about our relationship and all though he is still not sure what went on he knows something did...he has never pressed the issue and neither have I. As C was up working on our house I felt the connection again so deep so real so wrong. Now 4 years later we still talk when we run into each other and neither spouse is around...which isn't often...but I know that he is planning a divorce once his child is 18...6years from now. And I am so in love with him still. I can't help but think that fate brought him to our house 4 years ago and it is fate that throws us into each others paths to this day. He has always said that I am exactly what he is looking for in a woman and God knows he is what I am looking for. He had told his dad about me and when his dad confronted me he said "he loves you please don't give up on my son." On the same hand I did not get married to turn around and see if the grass is greener on the other side. I love my husband and I know that he loves me. We have a house and a history we have our own amazing love story and plans for a family we have been through some really trying times and some of the happiest times...we have a future mapped out how can I think I could just walk away to see what is awaiting me? Yet how can I go through life wondering what could have been. Is there such a thing as fate?

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1 comment(s) - 03:46 PM - 10/18/2006

Monday - Oct. 16, 2006 - 1:14 PM - CST - #1

In my first entry perhaps I need to catch my breath. My husband has blown me away!!!! We had made a pact to not drink in the two weeks before/during our fertility treatments. We have been trying for two years. Last night he got a call that he was needed at work (we own a bar) He got off work and proceeded to get almost falling down drunk. I am angry, hurt, frusterated, and feel betrayed. This is not the first time he has done this and I feel that he is sabbatoging my dream of starting a family. There is 14 years between us an he already has 2 grown children. When we first began dating I made it very clear that I wanted kids. He said he did too and even went through 2 Vas. reversals to make that happen. He ended up with a low sperm count anyway and drinking during this time especially lowers that count even more. Why is it so hard for him to just help me with my dream...especially since he had me so convinced that it was his dream too.

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2 comment(s) - 03:31 PM - 10/18/2006

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Username: shejustloves
Gender / Age: Female, 32
Location: USA - Minnesota

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