bettyboxedin's Journal

 
    
19
Nov 2006
7:35 AM CST
   

i have not been on lately due to a lot of stress and suicidal feelings lately I found out JOrdy has relapesd and is back on heroin he still smokes pot and dirnks. i am lost in what i should do. i have been told to dump him but what kind of girlfriend would i be if i do i am supposed to be there for him and i want to be to get him back on his feet, i have been told to call the cops but idont want to. i have no idea what i should do. anyways i am watching philodelphia so i have to go. it isn't the greatest movie s to watch since Jordy is back on heroin and you can contract aids from heroin and i dont want him to die. i love him too much to give up on him and throw in the towel now. i need to find some help for him find someone who can help me so i can help him. he is my rock and if that rock gets weak and crumbles then so do i.
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16
Nov 2006
7:59 AM CST
   

my biggest fear is that mine and Jordys relationship is going to end soon. things may be beyond repair. i am starting to hate ian for being ian he is just so pompas arrogant and such a bitch. he bad mouths jordy all the time when he doesnt even know him. he is now tellinf me i cant move out of this shit holl we live in because he wants to marry me and i need to be "tammed" i will not give up my ways for him. he expects me to listen to "better" music dress like the ideal mainstream suddgests and he is just such a ass i want to hit him. i am punk and there is nothing he can do about it, and there is no way in hell i am going to stop skateboarding and playing my guitar.he is such and ass
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14
Nov 2006
9:33 AM CST
   

i am tangled between two guys, my ex and jordy my ex purposed and i dont know what to do. i love him but i love jordy
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12
Nov 2006
6:54 AM CST
   

i did it i survived the weekend. i was really sick so i stayed home and painted more paintings to sell. i am thinking about setting up an account on ebay to sell them. i get to see jordy at school tommorow hopefully, i have a painting to give him that his stepbrother ordered a while ago so hope fully he comes tommorow if not i am going to be pretty pissed off. i hate going to school with out him because out of the seven of us in my class i only can stand him. everyone else is way to clingy. when this creepy guy is talking to Jordy he looks over to me like "Holy crap save me Elizabeth!!" and i save him and he saves me so what am i going to do when nobody has my back? i love Jordy so much i wish he could pay somemore attention to me. after school he is usally hugging me and wont let me go but when he got these roaches off of this guy we met on the city bus he was to busy smoking his precious roaches.i am not sure if i am going to bother going tomorrow because its a half day and we will probably be working walking around that big stupied city or watching a movie. anyways i really hope he shows up because when Jordy is nont their some of the cab drivers look me up or hit on me. i miss that kid so much he is my best friend well was anyways i never see him anymore
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11
Nov 2006
2:40 AM CST
   

Well my ex came over yesterday night. it was really great to see him and really nice to actually "hang out" with a person for once. i never get to see people other than school. He was so excited to see me he was talking a mile a minute and didn't shut up until 8;15 when he had to leave. i never got to say one word lol but it was nice to have him come and see me he is the one who saved my life and told the school conciler that i was suicidal and was going to kill myself and that i had a gun to blow my brains out. sometimes i look back and wonder why the hell did i dump him over tell the counciler? i should never react when i am angry. i should learn from that because if i didn't dump him things would be different we would most likely be together still. we both admit we still love each other but i am with Jordy and i love him but he is neglecting me and i don't have the guts to leave him, and then there is Derek. my other ex who thinks there is still hope for he and i after he neglected me and made my paranoia worsen by telling me he sent Clint (my stalker) to kill me. i have wepons hidden alll over my house so i don't think anyone will want to come after me.
1 comment(s) - 12:00 PM - 11/11/2006
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10
Nov 2006
2:12 AM CST
   

Things are still really bad. My ex wants to drop by to see me today but i don't want jordy to be pissed off at me i have never pissed him off before and don't want to. i couldn't talk my ex out of it. i feel more like laying around and watching tv anyways, by myself well with my dog too. i have lost intrest in everything i can't preform music anymore with out crying in the middle of some of the songs i do. i have been all alone for a while now my rents work to much my brother hates everyone but him self, Jordy cant find the time for me, i am painting some paintings i may never sell because no one is interseted, i don't get it really they are really good jordy sudjested i get into being a tatoo artist but i don't have the money for becomeing a tattoo artist. anyways i will write more later because i feel like i am complaining
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09
Nov 2006
6:01 AM CST
   

well today i came home at about ten because i have a migraine and sore throat. i saw Jordy he was on his way to go to the hospital though. things are starting to get really hard between he and i, he is spending less and less time with me and i never get to see him only once every one to two weeks. i know his home life is really rough and it is selfish of me to ask so much of him but i really miss him and want to see him. My mom screwed me over and stole $500 from me so i will not be able to move as soon as Jordy and i hoped. this really sucks i feel so angry, alone and just emotionally and physically drained. i have insomnia again which i hate so much i want to just scream i hate being alone.i am looking for a job, i live in a small rural town so there is nothing around me. but my art should be picking up soon and start selling again. i am going to make a website promoting it maybe that will help. i am listening to linkin park numb right now its another one of those songs i talked about that express what i feel. i cut again last night and just lay their in my blood crying. when is enough, enough? everyone else seems to be getting their break but when everyone else gets their break things seem to get harder for me. i just want to be happy. a few days ago i watched two funreals two days in a row and i can't help be jelous of the sob who died they probably died happy with their families around them, when i almost died my family was no were around, thats why when i get the hell out of this town i want to start a family with jordy make up for the shity families he and i have. but that won't be at least until we are twenty
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09
Nov 2006
1:06 PM CST
   

i cant take it much longer i am exuahsted from trying to make jordy and i work. i feel like he doesn't want me because he never takes the time to call me or even come one msn to talk to me. hell he doesn;t even make an effort to come over. i don't know what to do anymore suicide looks like my best opiton. i am so lonely and i go on these websites looking for some friends or some one to just hear me out.
1 comment(s) - 04:39 AM - 11/10/2006
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08
Nov 2006
9:46 AM CST
   

well Jordy has showed up again, he is himself still and he is supposed to be comeing over tonight after he makes some deal in my town withthis guy he knows:( today was weird not the same i guess that s a good thing. jordy had weed on him at the schol today and i could really smell it badly. we walked past some cops too we would have been fucked if they caught him.
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07
Nov 2006
11:16 AM CST
   

Jordy has gone missing not 1 person knows where he is! i miss him so much and am so pissed off cus i just can't take any more stress! to much work to do. i am behind in school, work, ahhh GOd when will it end!!! thanks miss1 for writting that comment love to chat some time
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23
Oct 2006
11:43 AM CST
   

Rainy Day (by)Guster is one of those songs that just express all my feelings right now. I feel hurt, sad, lost, confused, angry, crazy, and just weird like a sort of numbness is comeing over me starting from my brain and it slowly is just going down into my heart. Just when i get my illness undercontrol and all my stress and depression is going down to above average Jordy and my cousin pull this shit. pulling me in two directions one way i want to go and the other i dont but know its best. you must think i am sooo stupied for finding this such a diffacult decision.but i really do love him so much the last time i felt this way was with my ex who commited suicide in april.he and i were gonna get married in 2008 when i turn 18 but he missunderstood something i said and then he racted wrongly to it resualting in unbearable heart ache and remanints of guilt. why do i do so many things wrong? i am above average for the usaul mistake making for 24 humans combinded. I myself i wouldn't be the least bit suprised if i was a mistake. fuck i am gonna shut up i am makeing my self suicidal
1 comment(s) - 07:33 AM - 10/24/2006
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23
Oct 2006
11:38 AM CST
   

Rainy Day (by)Guster is one of those songs that just express all my feelings right now. I feel hurt, sad, lost, confused, angry, crazy, and just weird like a sort of numbness is comeing over me starting from my brain and it slowly is just going down into my heart. Just when i get my illness undercontrol and all my stress and depression is going down to above average Jordy and my cousin pull this shit. pulling me in two directions one way i want to go and the other i dont but know its best. you must think i am sooo stupied for finding this such a diffacult decision.but i really do love him so much the last time i felt this way was with my ex who commited suicide in april.he and i were gonna get married in 2008 when i turn 18 but he missunderstood something i said and then he racted wrongly to it resualting in unbearable heart ache and remanints of guilt. why do i do so many things wrong? i am above average for the usaul mistake making for 24 humans combinded. I myself i wouldn't be the least bit suprised if i was a mistake. fuck i am gonna shut up i am makeing my self suicidal
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22
Oct 2006
12:53 PM CST
   

i am so screwed i just found out jordy (my bf) is a seller and he tried selling to my cousin over msn and he didnt know it was my cousin now i am so screwed!!!! What should i do? my cousin said to him and i we have to stay away from each other and i love jordy to much to leave him!!! should we listen to my cousin?
1 comment(s) - 10:38 AM - 10/23/2006
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20
Oct 2006
11:30 AM CST
   

I AM SOO PISSED OFF! i am sitting here on a friday night all alone! ditched once again by my boyfriend, no one is on msn, i live a thousand miles from anywhere, my dad is hogging the tv, the pastor of my church is an asshole, by "bestfriend" is a caniving little bitch i cant trust any one! i am sick of friends they are no good there is no such thing as a real friend ship is there? i have never had a real friendship in my life! everyone who claims to be my friend just screws me over in the end! (no offence to my inbox journal friends i don't know you so i can't ssay the same for you this is only for the everyday assholes in my life)i am gonna go break something or just write an angry letter to the pastor of the church telling him what an asshole he is. GOODNIGHT
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19
Oct 2006
7:45 AM CST
   

thanks to shejustloves for your comment on my previous entry. The cops have been called from my school therapist and my mom so (i don't know why they all called!) we found out he is in the hospital and a restraining order will be placed in him. we will be notified when he is released from the psychiatric ward and i will be moved somewhere else for a little while until we know i am safe, thanks for your concern> I saw my boyfriend today!!!! the second we saw each other we didn't leave ech others side. we both went and worked at the homeless shealter together and he is comeing over tonight!!! i am so happy he is back!!!!!!
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18
Oct 2006
4:41 AM CST
   

I am being stalked by a man i once met in the hospital and he is now stalking me and trying to find me. he has stalked girls in the past so i am going to go away for a while and may not be on for a while. just wanted to tell you so you know i am not dead
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18
Oct 2006
11:14 AM CST
   

I have the worst head ache ever! so much stress is building up and i feel like i am gonna snap!how dare that sob threaten me try and take away my freedom. i want to DIE
1 comment(s) - 08:45 AM - 10/19/2006
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17
Oct 2006
11:23 AM CST
   

I got a hold of my boyfriend finally!! I am waiting for him to come on msn so he can tell me were he went dissapering to. he was missing for a week andnobody knows where he went. i am working on a novel i want to publish and it is coming along good. i have that and a few other novels i want to publish and some plays i have written. my life is soooooooo boring!!! i will tell you about how i hate every kid at my exhighschool and how NONE OF THEM GIVE A SHIT!!! I was taken out of school put in a mental instatution and nobody even bothered to call me. everyone is afraid or ashamed. WHY THE HELL ARE THEY ASHAMED!!! if i show the cuts on my arms everyone gets embaressed but the cuts are on my arms not theirs and i am not embaressed i am not trying top hide the past that built me to be the person i am today. THEY CAN ALL F*ck themselves for all icare i am sick of eveyone feeling embaressed. thank you for listening and now if you are one of those who judge and sh*t maybe you will think twice. Oh ya and emo jokes and calling someone emo cus they use to slit their wrists NOT FUNNY! not everyone who slit their wrists is emo. and emo kids are kids with mental health issues so if it is okay now to make fun of kids with dissabilities i guess it is okay to go out and laugh at parapaligics or kids with cyrebal palsy. WEll what is so funny about that? my cousin has cerybal palsy and i don't laugh at him cus he has a dissability. SO WHY R PEOPLE WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES FUNNY TO MAKE FUN OF? i feel you may not agree mental illnesses are worse than any physical illness. what ever your opinion having Schitzophrenia, manic depression, anorexia, bulimia, social anxiety, seperation anxiety is like living in hell i am suprised i am still alive i should have killed my self long ago
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16
Oct 2006
9:15 PM CEST
   

I went to my therapist today...unfortanitly she suspects now that i have stopped taking my meds six days ago i am showing not just your old fashioned depression but manic depression. my doctors keep makeing so many mistakes. like six months ago i was written up not schitzophrenic and went untreated for months. IT WAS HORRIBLE. They still say i am not Schitzo but i have all the symptoms so i am filed as possible schitzo. Are there any good doctors left? At least not in this town. not one good doctor. I had this doctor who was horrible a man who was like satan, first was an angel of god who wanted to be god but couldn't so now he is like the devil. ruining everyones life taking pleasure in making his patients suffer. There have been many complaints against him and my therapist suggested i go to a hospital where that doctor doesn't have any rights at. Still haven't seen my boyfriend:( It really sucks there is no one at his house because the cab went to pick him up and no one was home. No one is answering the phone and he is never on msn. I had these horrible night mares about him and he was in my old room at the hospital and he was laying there hooked up in all these tubes and he was dead. the life support just shut off. i fall to my knees in the dream my hands on his and my head on my hands crying uncontrolably. i don't know what i would do if i loose him i love him with my heart and soul he is my best friend. My first love died and i can't go through that again. Things are just not going right today.
1 comment(s) - 07:11 AM - 10/17/2006
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16
Oct 2006
8:29 AM CEST
   

its just before my ride comes so i don't have long. last night i did not have any nightmares so now things are great. i finaaly get to see my boyfriend today for the first time in a week an i am so excited. thanks to everyone who added me as a friend it makes me feel really good when people send me a friendship request. have a GREAT DAY everyone:)
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bettyboxedin's Profile

  • Username: bettyboxedin
  • Gender / Age: Female, 30
  • Location: Canada
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    BETTYBOXEDIN's Interests:

    About Me: i am a self employed artist/ photographer. ummm i live in a small farm town and love it. i am very happy with my life right now i have just gone through 6 years in hell and just met the man of my dreams and since i met him everything has just gone up hill. I have been through a lot and have learned a lot through those experiances. even thought they were hard to go through i got positvie results such as self emprovment and life lessons i will never forget. I volunteer at a homeless shelter and love it! I love horses they are my favorite animal and i am starting volunteer work at a horse farm where they do therepy for kids with dissabilites.

    Interests: my intresting inculde horses, journaling, painting, really long walks and my passion is music and expressing my self through my art (music,painting,photography,journaling ect,)and volunteering at a homeless shelter, and skate boarding and watching my boyfriend compete in skate compatitions

    Favorite Music: my favorite music is punk my favorite punk bads are Rise against and i like Nirvana, and a varietyof other types of music. I also like screamo and classic rock. my fav screamo bands are korn,and Insane clown possy

    Favorite Movies: My favorite movies are the equilibrium, kill bill vol. 1 ( vol.2 sucks) and i like the untouchables, Schindlers List, VIOLENCE!!!!! chickflicks ya they suck

    Favorite Television: UFC, Family Guy, Trailer Park Boys, Kenny v.s Spenny, and Csi.

    Favorite Books: Memoires of a Geisha, the hiding place, number the stars, hatchet, brians winter, the outsiders, and a complicated kindness