bl69's Journal

 
    
21
Jan 2008
7:45 AM CDT
   

Well. SO MANY THINGS HAVE HAPPEND! since the last time ive been on here...that boy i was talkin to last..we dated..he was more than just a normal boy && i figured that out not in a well way. im not even too sure what happend still to this day..the middle of summer happend. he found a hotter girl..who didnt want him like i wanted him. but thats his mistake. in a way i felt like i made some BIG mistakes with him..i didnt know how to handle this 19 year old male who wants sex all the time. but i remember that night hanging out with him ..when he cut it off between us, as in dating. he tried to be so casual with it but i knew what that ass was going for. "this is our last night together so lets fuck" thats not the way he said it but thats how i heard it. but after him..i tried to be more cautious but theres been a few boys ive made out with..thats it..since him. he was my last serious deal. i need another one. its been too long && im not one to usually say that. but all these boys that i made out with...were for the wrong reason. i was using them for money, weed, drugs, alcohol...ya know the deal. i hooked up with 2 dealers..&& i got the deal...but wouldnt ever want a relationship with them. my mom would kill me if she found out i was datin the 20 year old mexican mafia dealer...the other one being 22...the 20 year old was sweet though...&& i might've but it wouldve been something on the low. my sisters couldnt even know. but then he disappeared the lene tex && like other mexican mafia drug dealers..they had warrants out the ass && couldnt get caught, so he said he was going out of town && he would be back but he never was. i would get random phone calls from him && we would talk forever..id let him know everything goin down in town..the business && what not.


but im falling apart...gaining weight which doesnt make sense..i guess because im not in sports anymore. i wanna live those days we were living last year at this time. i cant take this reminiscing anymore! it drives me nuts. i dont even party that much anymore..if u call sitting at your house drinkin with a few folks partyin then i am but thats not what i consider partying in my eyes. ive become a drug dealer in most peoples eyes. just get that little quick && make money && smoke for free. i feel as if school is going down drain too..but the grades dont show it. im making it. attendance shows it though..i cant help it! ugh! i cant write about my life anymore.

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29
Apr 2007
12:15 PM CDT
   

I like the quote for today. And I honestly don't care how many people read this..all that matters is I can look back on this later. These are my thoughts, and I love to remember how I felt about this and that and how it has changed. Like the last entry, well me and him are friends. Just friends and nothing more. His girlfriend is awesome, she doesn't know and we are all cool. My best friend and her boyfriend are doing great. And me and her boyfriend's bestriend are hitting it off great as well. I am not too sure how I feel or how he feels but he sent me a text message today and it made me think that maybe he isnt just some random guy I make out with. But I don't know. I just feel like living it up and doing things the right way and still having fun. But the temptations baby, oh the temptations. Lord forgive me.

But I need help with my ipod.
it just won't stay charged..and it will be on the charger for an extremely long time too.

help me anyone? oh yea last night i stood up in a quince, i should have a full body picture loaded up soon but this is all i got for now. so lookie.
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11
Apr 2007
11:30 AM CDT
   

Dang. I would straight up hate to lose touch with this friend over this. We made out, and he has a girlfriend and I saw him yesterday for the first time since this all happend and we didnt say anything to each other at all about it. We eat lunch together every day..and walks me to class. But we didn't say anything about it. But my friend said that it didnt seem like he was being himself. I agree. We need to talk about it. I'm sure we will party together sometime this week and we will talk about it because we could actually talk in private...but we could have talked in private whenever he walks me to class. but that isnt much time to really say much. And plus he will have alcohol in his system i bet. That always makes the truth spill. hah. Well, anyways. I need to be a better kid. lol.
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31
Mar 2007
2:12 PM CDT
   

I love weekends! They are great. Well last night wasnt tooo fun but its way better than school or staying at home. The important thing is I got to hang out with alot of my really cool friends that I dont mind at all. And I dont know what we are doing tonight..I know michelle and adrian are going to the movies together and I didnt wanna go because I want them to get to know each other! hah. but we will be at my stepsisters bbq drinking before she goes and I am going to stay there then I dont even know what we are going to do. I'm wayyy behind on my sleep. So I wouldnt mind just going home and drinking there and passing out hah. I dont know though. But i was a good girl last night. Some dude from Brazil was trying to hook up with me and I let him know that I wasnt into him. I just wanted to chill that night. You could tell because I went out in sweat pants and a sweatshirt so I didnt give a fuck. and thats what is great about these friends..is no one cares! i love it.
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29
Mar 2007
1:10 PM CDT
   

"But as sure as God made black and white What's done in the dark will be brought to the light." --Johnny Cash. I am going to tell my mom this..because SHE needs to know that i know she is on drugs. and not just any drugs..pretty much the worse u can get!!! uugh! But I won't. Because i have already tried confronting her and she told me that it was fucked up of me to even think that..EVEN THOUGH after frankie died she told me that i needed to make sure she stayed sober and if i even expected THE LITTLIST THING to let her know. and i did. but nooo i am just a fucked up person for even thinking that. psshh whatever woman..if u are going down the drain then sorry can't help ya..i try so hard but theres only so much u can do. one weekend she actually admitted to it and then didnt feel guilty about it because "she doesnt ever do it" so she says. but now its an every day habit. i walk in on her all the time. and i just pretend like i didnt say shit. uuugh the feeling sucks!!! i just want to escape. i got places to go so no worries. but its so hard. because the only harm she is doing for me is MONEY!! we have none of it!!!! and it sucks! we dont even have a phone anymore!!! and theres a 500 dollar check that comes in the mail each month for child support from my dad. and it just pisses me off because she doesnt give me shit. and i understand if she was paying the bills with it but her drug habit isnt a fuckin bill. i even gave her 20 bucks last week. to buy weed. which i dont mind..because i will just end up taking it. but still..she gets payed every tuesday and she is already broke! ITS ONLY THURSDAY! and she gets like a 400 dollar check every week. its only us 2 living at this house so the bills shouldnt be too bad. and the house is like 450 a month. i know she can manage and have money left over because we have done it. so she cant give me the bills excuse bullshit. she wants to leave the state. and is serious about it and maybe it could do better for her but i am not going. DEAD SERIOUS i will not go. so she said she will wait till i graduate but by then i am sure she will be all sorts of fucked off. and it sucks because whenever she isnt on drugs then she is just a piece of shit. nothing can make her happy besides the drugs. and frankie was her anti-drug. but now its nothing. nothing nothing nothing nothing. nothing is everything lately and whats worth nothing? nothing so i should just leave.
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27
Mar 2007
11:41 AM CDT
   

Day by day it only gets harder and harder after his death. And it has been 8 months almost 9! Its just that if he was here..everything could be so much better. I mean wayyyy better. And he would be here to keep everyone straight and in check because ever since he left everything is going down the drain with my mom and her soberity. Same with my sisters. And well me, I have just been doing bad things..just not like them. I dont't want to say or go into complete detail but yea. What I am saying is there is so many things that happen during the day and it reminds you of him..and I'm pretty sure myranda and my mom agree that its hard to go a day without crying still. And it's supposed to be getting better..but its not. And its gonna be hard when that one year anniversary comes around. So many things have revolved around his death and its pretty much all bad news. Oh heavens.
3 comment(s) - 01:40 PM - 03/28/2007
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23
Mar 2007
8:49 AM CDT
   

Dang! this spring break was great!! ( i have to say the AWESOME things first im optomistic! lol ) i NEVER hung out with derek..me and michelle kept close and said SCREW the boy..he's stupid! haha. And Laura & Betsy came into town YAY! We hit up some parties every night and had awesome times..but they left Saturday morning. Saturday me and Michelle went to the mall and we saw Dillan there. We went to go see 23, he payed (sweetie! lol) and after the movie Michelle couldn't go with us but Dillan and I went to this St. Patrick's Day party and it was funnnn! I made a mistake by making out with some random guy who was older than me but that's all we did so actually it wasn't much of a mistake. I gave him strep throat haha..because I got strep throat from Laura and it didnt start hurting till Tuesday and I havent been to school since. I had to get a shot uugh. So there's a party tonight but Michelle doesn't know if she can leave..plus it's way out in Hamby and i'm not supposed to drink on my antibiotics but I don't have to drink to have fun. Plus I can just take it slow. BUT last night (this is horrible) i had this horrible dream that my mom took my dad back and I haven't seen my dad since I found out that he used to beat everyone in my family..except for me. I already had problems with him because I knew he was an asshole and he did do ridiculous things..but I didnt know it was that serious till like in January when my sister told me the truth. My dad didnt want anyone to know. My parents have been split up for almost 3 years now. But anyways, in my dream they were back together and arguing again of course..and he went out of his room and beat my mom and my sister..I was in my room. then he came into my room..and I was just begging him nooo nooo nooo and he found this strawberry(is it cherry? i dont know..its the scrapes and scabs from sliding in softball) and he just started beating me on that spot!!!!!! It was horrible..I can't get over it. I don't understand why I have been having these nightmares. I also dreamed that i wrecked my mom's car. But I don't want to ever see my dad's face again..I feel like I have experienced what my mom and sister and brother have been through and ITS HORRIBLE. But anyways on the brighter side..I have a couple of good friends out there that care about me and thats all that matters. If I can tell them anything, then I should be able to maintain. Here's a picture of me and michelle :)
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13
Mar 2007
7:23 PM CDT
   

Wow. I never write about the quotes..and it is very ironic how this quote fits what I am going to talk about. My self-conscious has been killing me. I'm so guilty of so many things. All these bad things that i have been getting away with is catching up with me. No one else is pissed..just me..at myself. Disappointment. I'm a bad friend. can't even make a good girlfriend. a thief. a liar. a user. someone who will do it for u...to satisfy u..but to just bring me down..without me realizing it. i need to stop. but i cant. i had a dream of me getting stabbed in the stomach by a guy robbing my house (( a day when i stole some clothes from the mall )) i am terrible. && i told michelle about derek && told derek i told michelle. how he cheated on his girl with me. well michelle is supposably friends with amber and derek says michelle will tell and i say she wont and he is all pissed and said whatever and hasnt said a word to me. honestly, its his loss. because i dont want him the way he wants me..i cant do better in that nature. but i wont. im pathetic. i need help.
1 comment(s) - 08:58 AM - 03/14/2007
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23
Feb 2007
12:51 PM CDT
   

woohoo its friday!! time to partyy!! i've already gotten started on myy 40...i got 4 of them in the fridge. i think i am gonna go to san angelo today with joey. theres a big party down there. i will probably already be drunk by the time i go down there. lol. but its gonna be awesome. hahaha joeys girlfriend thinks joeys cheatin on her with me. its great hahahaha. its sooo not true though. well. i wanna go get drunk. and this picture is great. check it out (((me at the moment)))
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16
Feb 2007
1:12 PM CDT
   

thing he says to me todayy -- "you have gorgeous eyes." --sigh--...wayy sweet of him..is he all talk?? todayy i gave him a kiss on the cheek and then like it was weird because we almost went in for a kiss. but i never go in for first kisses. the guy has to. and i dont know if he ever will!!! because i want him to! and i almost did today dude!! i want us. i think that is what i want. and i dont care what anyone else wants. its something that i wanna give a try..and see what happens. its been a while since ive had a boyfriend. i pretty much had one with this one dude. but that ended like a month ago. it wasnt an official relationship. and actually i think he had a girlfriend when we started to stop talking, and he just didnt want to be a man and tell me 'hey i have a girlfriend..so we can still talk..just not like we used to' hah but no. i have to figure this shit out on my own. and now he is trying to talk to me agian. i am still on his top friends on myspace. its so weird. but i want someone else. i want to get over that bastard. and i dont even know what there is to get over but he still bothers me and i cant stand it. but. i'm leaning. i'm stupid. i'm a fuck up. its how it goes. no one is gonna comment on this shit anyways because no one gives a fuck.
1 comment(s) - 01:42 PM - 03/28/2007
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14
Feb 2007
12:12 PM CDT
   

If I turn into another...dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me. what a great v-day for singles, huh?? Well ..someone i am liking right now doesnt like the fact that i like weed. And he likes to drink, drinking is worse than getting high. i mean come one HONESTLY it really is. i've experienced both plenty of times to know. and so does he. he quit. should I quit for him??? I honestly dont think I can..but i dont know what to do. because he is more important than weed. it seems like we are dating but we arent. and if we were and he really wanted me to quit, then i might. But what if me smoking weed right now makes him not want to date me???? i need help. i really hope this doesnt play a factor in our relationship. i am not going to quit smoking for him and then we dont even end up dating or anything. what should i do??
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29
Nov 2006
12:52 PM CDT
   

guess what?? i got a computer!! and now im being bored..just chillen fuckin with shit..lol..im marrying joe on 06-09-69..lol its gonna be great anyywayzz i also got a new phone..my mom got her income tax early so thats great well i am gonna go now soo hollaaa
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15
Nov 2006
6:57 AM CDT
   

DREAMS dreams are so complicated to me..i have the weirdest ones but i know what they're about..i may not remember what happend but i have this feeling when i wake up..mostly sad because EVERY NIGHT i dream about my stepdad..his death..that week when we were in dallas hoping he'd live..realizing when it was happening that it was all a big nightmare..but it wasnt and now i have this nightmare everynight..or he is in my dreams telling me things i need to do and giving me good advice..almost like this is the way he is communicating with me..i also think about my mom and how she is so broken hearted..i never seen her laugh or smile or be so consistantly happy until she was with him..even with my dad i never saw her like that..even after we were out of my dads hellhole and rules she was still not that happy..but now its even worse..but i gotta go..buh bye
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13
Nov 2006
7:10 AM CDT
   

heyy..what it do..this weekend was booorrriingg..but guess what?!? MY PHONE TURNED ON!!! YEAAA!! im so excited so now i am not strandid at me house with no phone..i went to my neighbors house and blowed with them..they're cool. thank god. well not much to say so deuces my niggs.
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07
Nov 2006
6:54 AM CDT
   

uuughh..i was so pissed friday..ok WE WON of course! but i didnt get to go to the game because i was at myranda's house before the game and there was some guy that her best friend used to talk to and used to beat her was callin and talking shit and myranda was talkin shit but her friend left and that fool was still talkin shit so myranda told him to bring his ass over and he said he had guns but we didnt give a fuck so him and some friends came over and jacob kicked his ass and his friends tried to jump in but we had jacob, daniel, myranda and my mom cuz i had to stay inside with the kids but long story short i couldnt go anywhere cuz i had to watch the kids..especially when the cops came...kk anyways this weekend i moved..i am happy..i live next door to cassie's boyfriend. and i am about to leave school early so i can go unpack my room so i can have a place to sleep..ooo yea and last night we won our first basketball game 46-26 and i got new shoes!!! yay! and theres no school friday! this week has been pretty good! mmkay..well deuces!!!
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03
Nov 2006
7:27 AM CDT
   

hey what does it do..me nothing..we lost our scrimmage yesterday but its alright..tonight though is the cooper game!! cooper is our cross town rival and we've been kickin their asses..for those who dont know this football is a HUGE deal here..we have 14 straight wins in district..for the past 2 years we've gotten district champs and always get beat out of the playoffs by number 1 south lake carroll..rich asses!! tonight better be our 15th!! last year we whooped cooper 40-0..thats what im talking about baby!! lets do it again tonight!!
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01
Nov 2006
7:26 AM CDT
   

halloween was alright..me derrick michelle lula and marisa went to this haunted island thing that scared the shit out of me because the people kept following me..one touched my butt i thought theyre supposed to be scaring us not hitting on me! but without all that scary shit on some were pretty cute. well anyways..i'm doing nothing today..it kinda feels good. well i gotsta go so deuces!
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30
Oct 2006
6:52 AM CDT
   

i dont know about this acceptance bullshit..i really dont give a fuck..i hate school and i wanna go to sleep. this weekend was alright. my mom got pissed off at me though cuz all she knew is i was going to the movies with some people she never knew and we ended up not going we went to get drunk..and last she knew was it was 4 in the morning and i wasnt home..she got pissed. it was kinda funny though cuz she got over it lol
1 comment(s) - 07:50 PM - 10/30/2006
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26
Oct 2006
6:30 AM CDT
   

i kissed gage yesterday..i think i might like him..im not sure..i dunno what to do..
2 comment(s) - 12:10 PM - 10/26/2006
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25
Oct 2006
5:59 AM CDT
   

hey whats up..yay! joseph is gonna jump aaryn for me. thats what that bastard deserves. i hope he jacks everything on him too and give it to me. yesterday was out last game and i was crying after the game cuz we got our asses kicked. i was so bored during the other games..but outside waitin for our rides thats when joseph told me that and then i met some guy named keavonte that chills with joey. speakin of joey..he got a new phone..i want a new phone. whenever i try to call someone its busy..when people calls me its like i dont answer and it rings for ever then goes to my voicemail. but my phone doesnt do shit. and i payed the bill so i know its not that but i need a ride to the cell phone place..that's be grreeat.
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bl69's Profile

  • Username: bl69
  • Gender / Age: Female, 29
  • Location: USA - Texas
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    BL69's Interests:

    Favorite Movies: my favorite movie is anchorman for sho. then 40 year old virgin..i need to see taledega nights though!!

    Favorite Television: i like flavor of love..south park..but i really love music videos!

    Favorite Books: hah! thats funny! books?!?