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Things are improving with regard to D. I couldn't have predicted it though. I was really feeling doomed. But I put it out there (here and also to a trusted friend) and got some feedback that has us moving in what seems to be a better direction. How can I tell? Mostly because I'm not feeling that wierd, hallow emptiness in my gut. I've had it enough by now that I should trust it.

We have turned things around with him in the last week. We listened to advice and acted on it. Made some changes ie; his bills are now back on him, we'll support him by helping with gas money and paying for the school, period.�He responded amazingly well (hopefully he wasn't just�blowin smoke up my dress), he seems happier now. With regard to the new school: he's made progress! The ball is rolling!! He had a choice to attend during day hrs. or evening hrs., he chose evening so he wouldn't miss work - !! Wow! Good choice!! He got the first binder that needed to be worked on by himself & a�trainer from work then brought back next Monday night- his first night of class, so I'm happier now.

I'm seeing here the true value of journaling: a concrete way to know that things are changing,�I�am changing! I need this because I get hung up in thinking negative thoughts when I hit a wall with something. I have a hard time believing that anything will get better. It's so hard to tell myself a good story about how "everything's going to be alright". BUT when I do this, and look back, then I can actually remember and see the issues evolve.

Gives me hope.

looks like i have got rid of my cold just in time for my op tommorow so lets hope they find no other reason to cancell it . been on the internet most of the day just messing round trying to keep my mind off it well it not the first op i've had this will be op number 10 and lets hope it will be the last for a good few years .but knowing me i wil need something else done before long .i swear they have a big lable on my hospital records that says cut off what ever you can when ever you can .still there are other people worse of than i am and some of them are only babies and young kids so i'm gratfull for the crap health that i have .

������������ I stand here thinking how much different my life would have been if I was never born. I know I am not a bad person to hate myself, but there is much out there that I caused. Every life in the world has a tendency to push people away. Sometimes it brings them closer together. Taking the wrong path and making more mistakes. I know I can’t change the past and being alive has already happened. If I were to end my life, then I would be just another mistake. We take our chances based on our desires and love, it is something we simply can’t control. Putting one extra person like me in the middle of a crowd made it more uncomfortable, but having a dead guy would make everyone go crazy. You probably don’t understand what I am saying. I am only writing so that later I could come back to the past.

I've been asked to join my neighbor for a walk this morning. I said I would. I like to spend time with her, she's a good neighbor, friend and recently became my boss.

We have a very good relationship. I've always admired her and think all good thoughts about her. She seems to have mutual thoughts for me. I'm glad to have the opportunity to work with her, that has offered our relationship a new avenue to grow in.

Most recently she's had an awakening. She realized it's time to give her health more priority. She's eating better and exercising regularly, I can see�the weight coming off!�It's wonderful to see, she's got focus and determination.

I will challenge her this morning to push the envelope, we will sweat!

Monday, 8/25

While its not my first day back to work after a nice long weekend, it is still a monday.� The same feeling of being behind in work, not ready for the week ahead, tired from the weekend.� So in essence my week has two mondays, great!!� I guess it feels this way because its the kids weekend, Anges weekend and I still do all the weekend stuff, only after having gotten up early and worked all day, so� I am even more tired when Monday does roll around.

Yesterday, when I got home from work, very sore from the beach all I wanted to do was sit down, putt my feet up and have acold glass of tea.� I even called Ange ahead of time to let her know.� Instead, when I got home it was chaos.� She hadnt been dressed more then ten minutes.� We are talking about 330 pm.� Okay, but she didnt even have any tea made, she drank it all.� She had planned dinner, but hadnt gone to the store to get anything.� She wanted me to get stuff done, like moving furniture, going to the store, playing games with the kids.� All in all, not the R&R I had been needing.� She does this all the damn time.� If I pulled this crap she would be screaming up a storm at me when she got home.

Becky is out sick today

Cartman is working from home.

First order of business today was to setup the satellite acct with sudo access throughout nonprod.

- Talked with Slick about the time issue and let him know apollo was 15sec off.

- WICK - Note from Ramstein that nfs mounts to fry were down.� Pulled up the wick docs (because apparently the ops team can't handle this simple task) and found out that it gets nfs mounts from eros, dionysus, poseidon, and atlas.�

- Stapho says basil & clover aren't allowing monitor to do anything.� no remote commands.� Logged into each machine and su to monitor.� Everything seems normal.

- Check logs and note that BOTH servers are logging as thyme (their clone master)

� Did Slick or I reboot these after changing their ID?� Neither of us remember.� Need to reboot them now to make sure.� They've been up 19 days (aug 5).

� Can't bounce, they're PROD already.� Jumpin' jesus on a pogo-stick.

- So I fixed the problem with WICK and sent a note about it.� Of course Pissy Wick Boy had to ask a bunch of pissy technical questions that he won't understand the answer to anyway, but he likes asking them.� Maybe he thinks it makes him seem smarter or something.

- Tequila doesn't have an admin ID to get into virtual center in madison or new york.� fecking feck.� I can't show him how to upgrade the kernels then.� I'm starting to have my doubts about that boy.

- We have to come up with a solution for LDAP and NFS /home shares SOONish.

- Sent Arnold the Pig some info from crow & petrel

- Skipper needs me to give Triscuit some sort of "evidence" that I shut off root access.� Requested clarification.� WTF kind of "evidence" do they want?

- Cheesedog's change got nixed for tonight so I'm not bouncing clover or basil.

Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.
Albert Einstein

I picked this quote because Albert Einstein was an amazing person. Also, this is true in life. If we as humans only focus on becoming filthy rich with material items, and accomplishment, we will never know the meaning of accomplishments and the value of true friendship. I know that I'm not rich with money at all. I am rich with friends, love, and laughter. True while success is important, but at what cost? Is it important if you don't have any friends, and you're so wrapped up in working towards success that you don't have time to create a family, or even be with your family? I know that yes accomplishment in life is important, but make sure to find time for the more important things in life, spending time with your family, starting a family, and just living life. Loving your family, friends, and life.