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"Business cards, of course, are not proof of anything.� Anyone can go to a print shop and have cards made that say anything they like.� The king of Denmark can order business cards that say he sells golf balls.� Your dentist can order business cards that say she is your grandmother.� In order to escape from the castle of an enemy of mine, I once had cards printed that said I was an admiral in the French navy.� Just because something is typed – whether it is typed on a business card or typed in a newspaper or book – this does not mean that it is true."

- p. 46, “Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid,” Lemony Snicket

Well I emailed brother hoping to get him to talk to me, to stay connected. He's not able to open up, he wrote things I don't really understand. He told me that he's not proud of himself, that if I knew�I would feel that way too. He said he cries easily and doesn't know why.�

I think he's very caught up in his life and it's drama.�Too hard to give me just a catch-up in a few words. Perhaps what�we need is a long conversation but I'm�afraid to know too much. I also think he's got to be ashamed when he thinks of me. He referred to the "grown-ups" that I have to deal with and he's not in that group.�

I fwd. the email to C. thinking that maybe she could help me understand it better. She called me late last night. She told me alot. But as I reflect on the events she shared with me I think not much has changed for them, this is why I said to her that "Life goes on, be part of it".

How depressing their life sounds to me. If I didn't know these people and just heard bits and pieces, observed their actions now and then I'd think "what loosers!"

I'm embarressed to say that, that's my family! What the heck are they doing to themselves? Why are they so retarded that they can't get out of this downward spiral they've been in for�the last couple years?

I almost get why Brother is so distructive to his life but I don't get why C. participates the way she does. The conflict they have due to his ongoing affair has their changed�marriage into a twisted, sick game.�That's what C. says is between them now "a game", where she waits for him to make a move and she reacts to it, period. Bummer, I couldn't live like that and my opinion is that it's very sick for them to live this way.

Any hint that she should direct her attention toward her own life and making it better has her defending the marriage or rather what's left of it. She and he are seeing therapists and that's gotta help - someday. But I didn't hear anything different from almost 3yrs. ago when her and I held marathon phone calls, she'd tell me "and then he did this, and then I did that" it's all the same stuff now, no changes.

How can they stand it??

I told her that she won't be young (she's already 40something) forever and does she want to find herself looking in the mirror one day realizing that she spent her last- however many-years growing old waiting for him to become sane. She pretty much said it's already happened. To him as well, she said that he's really looking bad these days. I don't doubt it, they both smoke and he's been abusing painkillers - that's gonna show on the face over time.

I'm just so alone, my brother was the last of my childhood family and I feel I've lost him - for now anyway.

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my life is so messed up right now. i have lost pretty much all my friends. i have gotten closer to my cuz and some friends but thats about it. i bulit a wall between my mom and my sister. but i know either way my mom and sister will always be there no matter what. i am a different pereson and not very many people like that side. i need to change and become the person i used to be with her head held high. i very bright girl.� i have alot ahead of me in my future and right now its heading down a path that i might not be able to get out of. i need to get my life straight and figure somethings out in what i want in life.� i also have been heartbrkoen and it sucks. i wish i could go back and change the mistakes i made with him. i do still love him and i always will no matter what. he meant a lot to me even tho i never really met him or seen him. but now there is a new guy in my life and i really do like him. he is a lot older than me by 5 years here soon 4. but i don't care. age is nothin but a number.� he is a really nice guy and he makes me happy. i always smile when i'm around him and i never want that to change.� he makes me see the world differently. idk what will happen with us. maybe we wil just stay friends and never date or maybe we will date for awhile. idk but whatever it is i will have to live with it.

At times, I sit alone and think about my past and how i have treated people. A moment in time can be only be for that moment, there is no way you can change it but to do it the rigtht way! "Treat others how you want to be treated," Jorge's voice replays in my head reminding me that I am Selfish. Am i really? Do i only think of about my needs and not others? I was told this by my boyfriend and my sibilings.�The people that are closest to me recognize that Im just another one of the evil step sisters. (so to speak) I feel like my attitude towards others needs to do a complete 360. Maybe I wouldnt think so negative anymore, I suppose emotions are based off of my actions and my actions are what people think of me day�to day. at work, people might think Im a stuck up individual. I keep to myself because im afraid of what one might think of me, if i say something wrong, look at them in a wierd way. Me of all people hate to be judged! The positive way to look at it would be just being independent and looking after myself. I think i might have taken that concept and put a whole new twist on it. I really need to think for others more, The quote of the day reads, ""Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I really need it."�I feel like this applies to me in so many ways. At the times where im am cold and careless, that is when i need attention the most. I use being selfish as a shield for protection. Protection from getting hurt by the ones that are close to me. Brother, sisters, mother, father and boyfriend. The list of names have all let me down one way or another. The emotion of selfish protects me from thinkin me about others feelings. It protects me to feel whenever I am let down so i will then only concentrate on my feelings and the important things i need to make me happy. Cold, careless, nonchalantly acts from me, that is definitely a sign of me screaming for a hug, kiss or simply someone to just say Hi Jenee! Why am i this way? TO protect myself from any harm or let down! I guess i just need to learn a different method! where to begin?

Im here im back home the day i never planned. I dreaded this day and now its finally here well i've been here for like 2 weeks now.� Were still getting settled in, not use to all this it's gonna take some time getting use to. Im so what's the word im looking for no not lazy (even though that is true) unorganized maybe who knows never ready thats for sure.� I can't stand it im always looking for something or i dont know but nothing ever seems to go smooth not w/me that is.

Frankie she's what it is that is giving me a headache but its gettiing better.� At first OMG! she was driving me nuts.� I couldnt' take it but she's better now learning how to be a normal child and occupy herself by herself even though she LOVES attention from anyone.� My poor baby sometimes i'm a bit mean to her but i can't help it the shit she does gets to me and i have no patients.�� My mom says we can see who's gonna be the blacksheep and other bullshit that gets to me.� But i try to just ignore it cause she dont know shit but ugh sometimes i can't.� Its nonsense and where does she get it from please now if she really believes it then she really gots issues bigger than i thought.

The girls they haven't been a problem besides there so freakin dirty it makes me sick but it's my fault because i am the mother but come on.� they dont pay attention worth nothing and they can't follow orders what's up with that.� They seem to go in the zone still that annoys me so much. there back in school so thats good.

i GOT to go to bed frankies got a doctors appt. in the mornig more shots i think.� I need to make me an appt. while im at it all kinds of shit wrong w/me but whats new.

Uh oh it missed a day but it caught itelf

sick as a chip is the expresion that comes to mind today in more than one way first as in ill sick and second as in just sick of beeing stuck at home with no company other than the dog if she could talk she could tell you a few tales� ah well back to the bordom see ya later

I'm so glad gaia showed me this website its kewl.