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城堡, 湖水和风笛

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�� 苏格兰之行印象最深的是古城堡的庄严和尼斯湖的壮美.

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�� 现代人用一辈子来追名逐利, 想千古流 ‘名’, 比较轻飘. 古代的王室明知死后并不能把石头砌成的巨型城堡带入棺材, 还会用几代人的权力地位和财富打造出自己心中美丽的城堡留给后人, 千古流 ‘城’. 这种追求比较厚重实在一些. 爱丁堡城堡和斯得灵城堡确实能勾住全球游客的魂. 因为大家都惦着查尔斯N世没准会突有兴致邀自己喝上一杯咖啡. 若瞥见安公主跟仆人儿子幽会的场面, 那也算没白来一趟.

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�� 观完城堡我们走进王子大道的地下过去穷人居住的多层地窖, 那才真叫暗无天日的旧社会. 穷人到城里闯世界不得不选择在肮脏污秽的街道旁挣命, 在狭窄无光的洞穴里栖息. 石窖里还有上下几重天. 学社会学的人若有机会走在一个个下窖的台阶上就很容易弄明白阶级阶层是咋回事.

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� 当我站在尼斯湖边上极目远望山树云水的尽头, 竟不由自主地产生幻觉, 我们一家跟 ‘水怪’ 共进午餐, 谈当今世界局势, 包括油价飙升和美国经济下滑对世界的影响, 顺便告诉 ‘它’ 北京奥运的消息. ‘它’ 在冰冷的湖水里浸泡万年, 那小脑袋一定十分之清醒, 说不定会给人类提个建议啥的.

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�� 尼斯湖水怪是个随时间沉淀下来的 ‘谜’, 人的视力有限, 远距离观看任何东西, 都看不太清楚, 对任何照片有权做无数的猜测和遐想. 信不信由你, 当你远距离地看你自己时, 你都难免会有似曾相识之感. 人类愿意用 ‘怪’ 字来概括自己不了解的东西. 当 ‘怪’ 在水中出没就更增加了 ‘怪’ 的美感, 对 ‘水怪’ 的各种解释借着水的灵性变得更加扑朔迷离. ‘怪’成就了尼斯湖的人气, 大部分人在心理上怕 ‘妖’ 但并不十分讨厌 ‘怪’.

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� ��走在王子大道上被一个十几岁的小男孩吸引, 他身着传统服装在街边吹起了苏格兰风笛, 小脸白里透红, 凄厉的笛声很沁人的心, 让阴霾的空气充满苍凉和悲壮. 设想当年的苏格兰勇士站在城堡废墟的顶端朝着一望无际的湖水吹奏这音乐时, 湖中大怪小妖都会被感动, 承认华莱士更刚强, 更有血性.

Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it:

More like feeling gratitude and expressing it is...like giving them the gift and they not accepting it....

Guess I should go make someone angry today so that I can destroy them later on...

Don't Keep Score

Acting With competence

Be Ethical

Be involve in family

Look in mirror like one self

Do not be angry

'Natural emotions take hold of me and hijack me.

Apologize quickly & sincerly when I've done something wrong.

Practice Kindness & Patience.

When your child misbehaves always remember ' what gives you the power to win these battles of will is your ability to maintain control over your emotions while your children lose control of theirs.'

I've got to work on my Differentiation.� I've got to work on improving myself and take care of myself and make decision that is good for me...and not what other people think.

In the past, I let my family run my life.� I was suppose to go to the funeral of my ex-gf.� But their was death taboo which conflicted with my father's memorial.� Something irrational about that.� And I didn't go.� So I abandon my ex gf in her time of trouble.� What kind of moron does that?� Still I should not have listen to them, my family.� Even C told me not to go.� I could not believe it.� Now she says that I have to listen to myself not what the family is telling me to do.

I went to church and I can see that I can be forgiven for that.

Even I'm flawed, God forgives and loves me.� I can't forgive but blame other people and then become angry.� In time maybe I can forgive them and even myself.� I find that I want to exact revenge on them.

I need to pull back like the Work The System book suggest and see clearer what the root of the problem is, to be somewhat emotionally detached.

I just read the quote from William Ward (who's he?) and it�lent a�thought to me on gratitude as I was going to launch�on my thought/feelings�of my brother.

Am I grateful for him?�I guess I am, at times. Over the years I've thought that possibly my life�would be easier if he weren't born.���� Oh�man, that sounds harsh. But if you had the whole story you may think the same way. Right now I'm not feeling especially grateful to have him in my life. He's not really part�of my day to day because he lives too far away but he's in my thoughts alot. I currently have been worrying about him and get anxious if I think about him too much.�

I write to him but his responses are short and� cryptic. If I ask for him to elaborate or expound on a thought he says he can't, he often uses "I don't know" as an answer, this is a dead end. I believe he doesn't want me to know much about him these days.

"These days" refers to the time since his break up with Claudia. I'm assuming that they are still married but not living together. Claudia said in her last email that she's finding it harder to keep denying to herself that her marriage is over. She has people telling her to move on but she's not ready, 25yrs is most of her life and it's been centered on my brother - for better or for worse it was what it was.� Brother sent me a quote last week, "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it", my understanding of that quote is that he's referring to how much he wanted out of his marriage and now that he is out he's not so happy about it. See what I mean about being cryptic?

I wonder how it would be if he were living nearer to me. With these many miles between us it's easier to make excuses for not communicating regularly with him. The distance has kept us from witnessing each other's lives so we only know what the other tells us.�Since his separation from C. I get two�different stories - to be sure! My belief is that he wants me to think/feel only a certain way for him. He wants me to unconditionally love him - nothing wrong with that I'm sure. He can't stand any judgement from me - gonna get some of that in life.�He has collapsed under my disapproval - he should have seen it coming.�

I bet he has a fantasy of how he is thought of by me and mine. As he has been so distructive to his family I would think that it's sad for him that I don't think/feel the same about him now. Which makes it logical that he doesn't communicate willingly these days.

Yep, I think I'm on to something! If I were ashamed of myself, my actions, I'd want to stay out of the spotlight. I guess I'm pretty important to him and he's doing what he has to do to keep his pride with me...

Interesting. Journaling really helps.