Wife went off today. Came home and found 8yr old used some of her xmas cards. kid was working away all morning trying to make something for his cousin I think and got roasted for it. She really got stuck into him. Went over it and over it until he started crying. I'm thinking damn, Christmas isn't supposed to be about getting stuck into each other over cards... ok so he is supposed to ask. He says he'll ask next time, but then drop it.
So I open my big mouth and try and defuse the situation by saying, come on lets keep it light. Christmas is about people and he was being generous etc. Well that was like waving a red rag to a bull. And I got both barrells. Suddenly the 8yr old was not the target, I was. Now, i'm not backing up the wife. Even though I totally agree with her, that he should have asked, yes the cards were expensive, yes she had plans for them etc. etc. but i was just sayin try and keep the spirit of Christmas alive here!
Then she accused me of screwing up our kids because we aren't united. I need to read the all parenting books because they all say that apparently. I'm not sure that we're disunited actually, given that I agree with everything she's saying. I'm just disagreeing with getting angry over things, when people and the way we treat them are more important than things. Heck I'll take a second job to buy her more cards just to make her happy.
Well, i tried to explain what i was trying to say. It always happens though. People get jacked at christmas time and start chewin each other out. Why does it have to be that way? Why do people get irritable, stressed and angry at Christmas time? Why is there so much pressure? Surely God gave Jesus at Christmas to reconcile us to him and one another and bring peace on earth. Somehow it has turned out to be war! Then she went right off. She started shouting and yelling and swearing.
Told me that what would I know about trying to raise kids and making a happy family home when I'm screwed up cos I came from a broken home. I tried to explain that because i'm from a broken home, I know what I want. Harmony. Love, peace, people that get along not fight like my parents did and ended up breaking up.
Then she tried a different tack. She said there's no point even talking to me because I'm screwed up in the head and that even though I think I'm making sense I'm not. She said I should go and pop more pills. She is going off regularly now. She was going off when she had her period last. Well that's an excuse. The kids asked me why she was like that, and I said because it's that time of month. But last week, she was going off about having a shit family and that everyone in the family treated her bad and that it was all my fault. I didn't react to that, just called her in the arvo to see if she was feeling better. But today, she wouldn't let go.
I wasn't trying to correct her or point out her failing. I was just trying to lift the atmosphere in the home a bit, because I hate a negative atmosphere. She is so insecure that even a comment like "let's keep things light and Chrismassy" says that I'm accusing her of being a failure. Wish she would deal with her damn insecurity cos it's drivin me nuts. I don't know why we are pissing her off so much. She's always going off at either the kids or me. I just don't know what to do. She reckons if she was in charge of the family, everything would be better... like she's not in charge? I'm certainly not in charge!
Worst thing is she wouldn't stop. After I went to get the kids some lunch (was toasting some cheese on bread for them in the griller) she kept coming into the kitchen chipping away and chipping away and going on and on with it. Well, I had enough. I hurled the empty can across the kitchen and announced to the family that they had a fucked up dad and she had a fucked up husband, that I was totally screwed and I was screwing them all up and they would be better off without me and left.
Whenever she gets into me, eventually I feel like a total waste of space and a failure. I feel like I'm a curse on my families life and that I should hang myself. I wonder what it would be like to have a belt around my neck and to feel the blood flow restricted to my brain and then the blackness. I think it would be peaceful and then I would be free from pain.
My home is like a prison. When she's angry with me it's like torture. I can't rest or recover in my home with her exploding like that. She's like a bomb with a trip wire. None of us know when it's going to trigger, but we all know it's just a matter of time. But for her, we're all to blame, so y'know, it's not her fault. She has no responsibility at all. Actually she's the most perfect person you could meet. So caring, kind, compassionate, empathetic and humble. Just wish it would extend to us.
Don't know why she's so angry... There's a bit of family history there I spose. Her dad had a stroke because of his temper. The difference between marriage and a prison sentence, is at least with prison, you know how much time you have left. Marriage could go on for a loooong time and if it's anything like mine, it will feel like quite a few lifetimes. For some reason, I just either can't improve fast enough for her, or be a certain person, or perform quite well enough. And when I fall short, watch out.
�I've cooked every night this week. Done four loads of washing. Looked after the kids. Nearly driven myself into the ground and come Saturday, I'm in the doghouse. What a fucked up life. I'm over my family.
I've got to work on my Differentiation.� I've got to work on improving myself and take care of myself and make decision that is good for me...and not what other people think.
In the past, I let my family run my life.� I was suppose to go to the funeral of my ex-gf.� But their was death taboo which conflicted with my father's memorial.� Something irrational about that.� And I didn't go.� So I abandon my ex gf in her time of trouble.� What kind of moron does that?� Still I should not have listen to them, my family.� Even C told me not to go.� I could not believe it.� Now she says that I have to listen to myself not what the family is telling me to do.
I went to church and I can see that I can be forgiven for that.
Even I'm flawed, God forgives and loves me.� I can't forgive but blame other people and then become angry.� In time maybe I can forgive them and even myself.� I find that I want to exact revenge on them.
I need to pull back like the Work The System book suggest and see clearer what the root of the problem is, to be somewhat emotionally detached.
Tim told me the same thing that he didn't listen to the signs of his bad relationship.� He thought that as long as she's with me, everything is okay.� Patrick also said that his ex girlfriend didn't look at him in the same perspective again.
Grid lock
One will make a decision to seek help or leave...get out of the relationship.
From the Church, this is wrong.� But N has turned her back in her previous relationship without looking back.� Her personality is like that.�
She cares about the material or regrets that the credit cards are paid off and she didn't get to enjoy the house.
She seems less caring and emotionally not available at times.
Tomorrow's the appointment with Dr. Jack.� Today, I'm feeling a little bit better.� Map wrote She said, "I generally believe things work out the way they're meant to be so don't be too stressed out. �Everything's going to be okay. �You're probably just at a turning point in your life....maybe."� Strangly, I was angery to see that.� But later it calmed me.� There's nothing I can do.� Waldo suggest that I can't rush Nin because she has her own time to return if she so chooses.� MJ advised me to keep my door and heart open for her return.� Hang in there and I should write to her everyday even though she doesn't write back.� I am not to put limitation on her.� I told MJ that I don't want to play game.� MJ said that I should be open and honest.
I got alot that I need to express, hopefully this is the beginning.� Sometimes when I bottle up innocent emotions they eventually turn into rage.� If not rage then stress, I feel the stress right now and its becoming over-whelming.� I think back to when I was 18, that was the most stress free time of my life.� I try to attribute what made my life so stress free at that time.� Cetainly it wasnt because of lack of problems, was it because I could release my stress out by smoking pot? �� Maybe, cuz now Im not "allowed" to smoke pot, if I do then the wife will leave me.� I have secretly gotten high, a few times, and I get so paranoid about getting caught by her that I dont enjoy it.� So, I just avoid it altogether.� I cant believe I gave that up for her.
Ive given alot up for her.� I have sacrificed friends, money, time...lots and lots of time.� Then she cheats on me.� I only found out in January, I still think about it everyday and wonder if I made the right decision to stay with her.� I think she guilted me into it.� I was never unfaithful, but she said that I was miserable to be around because I hated my job so much, she siad it made me a person she didnt want to be around so she started looking for that spark in other men.� the funny thing is, she doesnt admit to sleeping with the one guy that I found out about.� She claims that she only talked to him and that she cheated on me before we were married due to having cold feet.� But the guy i found out about, I actually called him.� He says that they slept together after we were married.� I asked why he would say such a thing, what motive would he have to lie to me, what would he gain out of it?� I cant think of anything, maybe if he werent married then I could see him lying to me so that the two of them could be together but thats not the case.� When I confronted her about it, she was gonna leave me.� I had to beg her to stay... go figutre that one out.� She cheats, then I beg her to stay.� Im basically giving her a license to kill.
Why did I stay with her?� Love, I guess.� i felt that i somehow was the cause of this.� that it was my fault she cheated, I still fell like Im the one to blame.� I know Im afraid to be alone.� I cant imagine dating again, especially now that im balding, over-weight, going grey, lost some of my teeth... at least when I was a teenager I was just over-weight.� At the time that was difficult enough, but looking back on it now, it doesnt seem so bad.� Im 27 years old and I look and feel like Im 70.� I fucking hope I live a very short life cuz I am not happy with it, and Im too chicken shit to kill myself.
What do I hope to achieve from this journal?� Some stress relief, get some things off my chest, that might help me to cope with day to day life.� I have alot of baggage, I have done some really shitty things and I have had alot fo shitty things happen to me.� they have been bottled up inside forever and they are eating me up inside, so I guess its time for a release, otherwise I know I will self-destruct.� For now though, the thing that haunts me daily is my marriage, until i can get past that i wont be able to explore the past.� Hopefully this helped me a bit.� Maybeone day i will get fed up and finally do something that makes ME happy for a change, rather than putting everyone ahead of myself.
http://www.warmwisdompress.com/marriage-relationships/Marriage_Isnt_Complicated.aspx
http://www.warmwisdompress.com/marriage-relationships/The_5_Word_Formula_to_Make_Your_Marriage_Work.aspx
Don't cause pain, give pleasure.
give pleasure is speaking in the language of love
Don't cause pain is speaking in a way which does not hurt your partner.
Show your partner that she is important to you.
it was great got to talk to T a little bit to get his perspective. He said that it brought back a lot of memories.� His ex did the same thing to frustrate him.
http://surethings.blogspot.com/2008/07/two-letters.html
Lack of Communication or the Mole problem.
Reading David Roppo's advice for communication in a relationship.� It's not learning to communicate but getting down to the root of what's causing lack of communication.� This makes perfect sense to me and it's an idea that's echoed in Work the System book by Sam Carpenter.� In his book he talks about not wacking the mole as it comes up but get down to the root of the problem in the underground to see what's causing the mole or problem to come up?
In my case, when I make N mad, she goes silent, gives me the silent treatment and I can't stand it.�
Today is the first day of a new journal.
I'm excited to get started on a new way of journaling. I've been away from it for too long.
Where do I start?
First things first I guess. I haven't been to the gym for 2wks (?) something like that. I cried last night when I talked about it to Bear. I'm very disappointed with myself. I've had a standard to uphold for many years and I'm letting myself down. Yet even this minute I'm choosing to do this instead of going for a walk, which will be a first since last weekend. "This is more important. I just need some time." That's what I've been telling myself. also, "I'll be getting back to it, as soon as the pressure lets up."
The second thing, (and I'm not so sure I'm able to put them in perfect order), is Dan and his walk of shame as I think of it.�Since he came and told me of how he got fired from his dream job I've had a heavy feeling in my gut. I feel like I have a bolder in my stomach. I'm terribly sad, disappointed, ashamed, and a bit mad. The mad part grows a tad every so often as he doesn't seem to get the urgencey of finding a new job. Hello?? Money's running out and then your bills become our bills!! I get the attitude that this is sort of like a vacation to him, "haha lets go to the beach!" All I can do is�stay focused on what we expect�from him and stay clear that my fears are not realities - yet.
Next:
Mandy's move to Portland. YIKES!!�This one is the hardest for me to swallow.�A loaded gun for sure. Not going to go there right now, later.
Last:� (i hope)
The marriage of Mandy & Scarlet.�
these are my biggies these days. things I can't�talk�about so well. bear listens but he's not enough for my head. i will write until i can feel the release. this is what i used to do but gave up on the pen and book method. online? lets see how this goes.
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