If only I could limit my fear of making monthly bills (short term) and becoming destitute (long term) to this one post. In fact, it preoccupies my life. I wake up at 5:30 figuring out ways to cut our costs. I worry about calling the plumber to fix the kitchen drain because of its cost. Can we live with a stopped up drain? I calculate and recalculate minimum selling cost for our other condo. Can we even consider buying mortgage insurance or long term care insurance? Yesterday I was tempted to use all of our savings just to pay off the credit cards. And, at this time of our lives, we should be more comfortable about money issues. Coco Chanel's movie is an inspiration....how she started over and overcame adversity.
These kids are getting on my one last fucking nerve, I am not sure if� they think Iam a joke or what. That is until Iose my grip on sanity and start� beating the shit out of them. They really do bring this shit on themselves. How? hmmm lets me see they have been cleaning the same room since 7:15 am and now it is after two in the afternoon. What is wrong with this picture? but what really disturbs me is that they meaning daniel wants me to break my neck and do some shit for him, like buy him the book and drum sticks he needs for band. Not to mention the fact that the book bags purchased for school for them, are all on the floor. They dont gvie a dam they think a motha fucka owe them something. My energy is waning and my patience have left a long time ago. These are the time I wish I had a husband. for real cause I just bet this way things go down around here would even happen.
My new neighbors are getting on my nerves as well. they play that damn music all damn day and all fuckn night long. Thank god Iam not working right now cuz I would be calling the police and cursing them out like it aint nobody's business. MY sister needs to get a tighter grip on her kids, they/ she is lazy and slack! They dont clean she dont even wash the tub out after her dirty ass. Man what the fuck is she thinking about other than laying up getting dicked down and pushing her kids off on anyone who will fall for her lines. She isnt looking for an apartment, she wont get help via dss. I am beyond words when it comes to expressing my frustration, She dont give a damn about her kids, who does she think she is fooling? They would be better off with someone who actually gave a damn and could/would provide for them. For the most part she acts� like they are in her way of� screwing. She says she want to move back to buffalo. Where she use� to attend college, she is� a mother now. A choice she made when she told the family she was grown. She cant relive the past. I have tried to comprehend her way of thinking and just cant fathom living off my family who is struggling to raise their kids. I feed them she wouldnt, they would be eating shit out of a can forever if she had it her way. I am enabling her for the last time. I cant do this I say but continue to..
Isaiah is in for a suprise if he come out his mouth with some bullshit. He provokes me to smack the piss out him. And I will do it. Most days I wish he didnt exist or was never born. He complicates my life as well as Dj. Right now I wish they were dead! Why did I have them I dont know?� Isaiah is so smart but doesnt know� when to shut the fuck up even after you warn him. I think he likes the abuse I dish out, one of these days I suspect I am going to really hurt him.
������������ Nobody knows the truth and it’s best to keep is that way. It won’t hurt anyone anyways as long as it stays a secret. They call and talk but have no idea what is happening. The truth would then only make me look sick. My actions are my problems. My feelings are my sensitiveness. I am what no one ever sees.
I want to knock on Eli's head and ask is anyone home in there. He claims he doesnt want me. Yet he is slapping me on my ass undoing my bra. Not all in the same day.� Asking me when am I going to marry him. When can we go shopping for a ring, if I ask him for some money he claims he's broke. He wants what every man wants some ass. But I aint giving up shit!
When I've explained that Im just not that into him it gets funky. He says he's "madly in love with me." this isnt the case, he just wants to get fucked and�cant stop hoping it will happen. His dick is smaller than my pinky,�I can pop a bag of buttery popcorn in the time� that he cums.Less than� three minutes! He is a control freak, fo real. He believes he can run my life, my kids , my house better than me. If I dont do things his way, which he considers the right way, his world will end. With all sincerity, my mind tells me he's coo coo. When I� am nice he misconstrues it for me wanting him. Can you say yuck. No matter how many times I have told I dont appreciate his endless advances, he continues.... this is disrespectful! I will never be with a man like him who has a problem with rejection or the words HELL NO! He begs for pussy! then cant keep it up. he needs to get delivered, having that spirit/demon whatever it is cast out. Im talking mad shit cause I got my issue (s) in order:)
ok here I go. Not much has happened today, Daymon called me. I guess he spoke to Larry who regurgitated what I told him. In regards to having a boyfriend and it getting serious. He/they are both very childish. Which is why I hung up the phone on him, he called back. Probing me for answers about my whereabouts lastnight and with whom. He is very nosy, he thinks�comprehends �the innerworkings of my mind. Well he doesnt . And for him (this maybe a problem) me dating 2-3 men while desiring a husband. What should I be doing twittling my thumbs until mr. right, knight and shining armor decides to step up on the scene? I dont think so, just because he is so lonley like akon says, it doesnt have to be me nor will it be. Initally I liked him then he started getting annoying, his�relentless inqueries disturb me most about him. He shocked me when he said something to the affect that he thought he was my boyfriend. Where did the hell did that shit come from, I clearly told� him I considered him a friend period!
Randy is coming on strong, it is apparent how he feels about me, too bad its not reciprocal. I dont mind going out with him to the movies or dinner. This is cool, but by no strectch of the imagination do I consider him marriage material.� He was stunned to silence when I revealed that is what I� prefer. I refuse to be"terminally single".I enjoy chilling with him which is pretty much it. I cant forsee a future with him.� We/he planned to take me out to the movies. Unbe knownst to him walt wants to take me out to eat.
The other day I met someone at the bus stop exchanged numbers. His name is Gene he is 40 something, new to the area. Kind of not my type, ok not kind of he is not my type at all. He speaks very country, no� college degree, no car. Why do I even bother I dont know, why I do some of� the shit I do.
�Walt is cool too but� ahh nothing. As in nothing will transpire between us. He is so lustful. Today I could feel his eyes watching my ass move as I walked away. He called me to him just so he could see me walk. He is a trip. but at least� there isnt any guessing with him. one thing's for sure, he is all man!
you know when your getting older because you become un-needed and unwanted your role you thought that you had in life suddenley dissapears .before you know it your life has become empty and lonley days turn to night and light into dark every day the same and still they wont talk .you look in the mirror and someone else looks back and thats when you realise your life has turned to crap.but still you plod on with no�one �to turn with pain in your heart and still you dont learn the man you once loved still sits there looking the other way not wanting to say that he cant stay so instead you both plod on knowing it's gone the love you once had tattered and torn.you wake every day whith hope in your heart that today will be the fresh start.but you look in his eyes and thats when you know that sooner or latter he will definatley go.
Friends. When we have them we think they'll be around for good. But one day something changes and {poof} gone. I didn't notice when it�happened so I can't say who-what-when or why but as of today I believe these friends have moved into the backseat of my life.
My thoughts right now are: What kind of friend was I? Am I doing this intentionally?
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