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Monday, May 14, 2007

So, what's a person to do? I am so suicidal I could scream! I can't have friends and I don't know how to talk with my husband anymore! So, here I am God! He can't take you away from me. I need someone to talk with. I am on the verge of tears and can not figure out why. I want to end things and can't figure out how to make them better. Today Ryvanna says to me that I am the only one who can make things change. But I don't know how to make things better! I am so confused and unhappy at myself and things I have done over the years.

I seriously can not remove things from my life. I want to just forget. I don't know how to go about opening up and letting things out. I am stuck. I am forever scarred and you are my hope that keeps me going. Lord, you and I have been friends for a long time. I've left you standing many times alone and I am sorry. It's so hard for me to not connect with you because you are not exactly someone I can touch or see. Please don't think I'm being ignorant. I am trying to get myself figured out!

Sometimes I wonder where I am going to be in the next hour. I am struggling with the thought of just ending it all! Where should I start Lord? Temptation has got a huge hold on me, you know this. I don't know how to stop it! I've got so many things I want to do and most of them are pretty good thoughts. The other part of me is not satisfied with anything I am. The other part of me doesn't know where to begin.

I am new to this online journaling but have been going through a rut lately and thought maybe getting some things off my chest may help pull me out of it. Basically, life just sucks right now. Feels like my love life is a joke, I'm stuck in a dead end job, and because of that dead end job I live pretty broke. It just seems that with every day that goes by, I have something else to add to that list. Its always something. I have, however, come up with a plan that I think will help get things back on track. I currently have a lease at my apartment which is up in November. After my lease is up, my roommate and I have talked about moving away (really not that far away, about an hour from where I live now) and I really think that it would be a good thing because my sister lives there and has said that she could help me get a job where she works (where I'd be making significantly more money than I currently do) and would also help us find a house or something to rent. I just think that I need to get far enough away so that I can meet a whole new crowd of people and distance myself from a certain few who, against my better judgement, I still associate with. I wish I really could just run away somewhere though, I think it would be great to live somewhere that nobody knew me or anything about me...but I'll just keep dreaming.