Grandad's Birthday Visit
God damn that chicken. managed to change the time to 7.15am so there is an extra 15 mins lie in, just need to remember to change the ringtone!! arghhhh. Only managed to be away from here for 2 days! Tuesday now and this is the first chance I've had to get settled in to my comfy chair and share all my joys with your good self! Well high's and low's!
The first low was the fact that I was rudely awakened on sunday morning to the noise of a strimmer outside my window at 9.30am. the high? hmm could there be a high? well just as i was squinting through the blinds fumbling aimslessly for the chord to yank it up and glare out the window, thats when the high came...My lovely, lovely kind neighbour was cutting my garden. ahh bless. That shut me up.
The low wasn't far behind asI got refused clothes to borrow from my "little treasure" I had nothing nice to wear, was being harrassed to hurry up as we were all going for a lovely sunday walk to grandad's house to wish him well on his 40th (aherm.)...or so he said! birthday. Thats when the fighting broke out.
Always a recipe for disaster in any household, No breakfast ,squabbling females, one selfish for not sharing, and one feeling sorry for herself for being a whale, and the man in the middle sighing and twitching all over the place constantly asking "Are you ready yet?" God if i was ready I would surely have said so. grrr.
Anyway the front door was locked and off we toddled. well, i waddled and huffed and puffed and got shin burn after 30 steps. I had instantly understood why heavy people can't move around fast.. It's because they bloody well can't! literally. I was struggling, This felt awful. Was I really only 37? waves of depression and nippiness ensued, especially when all i got was "c'mon keep up" I turned my eyes in the other direction took a big deep angry breath while gritting my teeth and told myself inwardly to ignore them.
I made it to tesco before demanding I ate as I was "starving" That went down well! not!. oh so what, It was 11.30 and my tummy was demanding to know what it had done wrong. Good Morning Sandwich Isle. mummy's here..... lol I got a baguette and a tub of pasta to "share" in case the roll wasnt enough. After a huge lecture on the salt content and fat content of pre-packed food i crumpled up my empty wrapper and hoped I'd faint or fall and require a taxi.
Alas not to be on this particular occasion.However my incredibly adventurous other half had now led me and "grumpy" into the woods as a fun thing! hmmm Nothing fun here. Oh No.! Jaggie nettles and thistle bushes the size of me were now enveloping me and stinging hell out of me and my little treasures bare legs, as she was wearing three quarters and had bare legs!! ouch. After a few squeals from us both I decided to take action and stand still and hauler at the top of my lungs
"Rightttttttt, no way are we carrying on in here" The almost laughing voice came back telling us if we weren't happy, then we were to just turn back and get on the adjoining path!!!! grrrr It felt like id walked half a mile along here and I was having to turn back! God this wasn't funny and i was mad. I stomped back out on to the path almost knocking over a "walker" on the path whinging the whole time about her father being an idiot! this was definately another "low" of the day. then the worst low was to instantaneously follow: In the distance was crocodile Dundee himself emerging from the depths of the jungle heading straight towards a flippin bench. I had miles to go. I thought inwardly some very very bad thoughts and growled at grumpy to not speak to me at all.
This was a happy day out. a nice sunday walk. Did other families experience all this hostility? all this exertion? happy my backside. I was furious and knackered and felt like crying but hey ho, we were there, finally and i got a seat and a cuppa and a bit of delicious birthday cake. Soon the horrible walking had become a distant memory andI found myself wondering if id imagined the day at all as we were dropped off at the supermarket just before teatime after a lovely day sitting chatting in the garden.
There was something quite endearing about walking around a supermarket pushing a trolley, filling it with comforting lovelies. I did however remember the awful feeling of whaleness and added loads of veg and fruit to the trolley. Home was calling me and i was listening. After choosing a rather bizarre cooked breakfast for sunday tea, I decided on bed. That walk had floored me, big time. sleep well. I'm gonna do my best! xx
Saturday and Sober... Phew!
Saturday afternoon! lol doesn't time fly I keep losing my day's! at least this time im sober. The cat rescue programme I watched was touching. A cat saved his owner's life by waking the family and alerting them to the fact the lad was having a seizure. A real good feel factor ensued hearing all was well in the end. Friday was too busy too mention. the only good part of the day was when it was time to go to the local cafe and pick up the luxurious cooked food.
The full realization of the fact im resembling a whale more and more every day, isn't helping to deter me from eating this crap. If anything, im eating more!. Call it what you like, Comfort eating, etc...Its just pure greed. If i speeded up all my "sighs" after failing to improve my diet, it could help as a mini workout. or maybe not.why was there not a miracle cure by now? A chocolate covered miracle cure that would melt all your flab and have you resembling a sexy goddess in no time. I would buy it, well, if it was reasonable and very fast.
I always got told to love the body i had! hmmm this was no body at the moment, it was someone and something else looking back at me in the mirror. I've always been a kinda healthy 10 - 10 and a half stone but i could do things like hide it and move around and even feel not too bad about myself when the make up and togs were on, but now im 13 and a half stone, I feel like man mountain. Contemplated on smoking again just to try and shift it ,but im doing well and I refuse to start again on the grounds it will let all the "told you soers" say as much. Anyway i doubt smoking will be able to melt this much blubber.
Tried my mr motivator video I bought from the charity shop for 50p, I did well, lasted 3 days then kinda lost interest. Why oh why wasn't there an easier way? Getting my jaws wired was always another option but slightly drastic. Dont think everyone around me would survive if they were eating yummy food and i couldnt'! Nope that was a huge no-no. Another sigh, oh well If i remember what i've always been told. that the grass is always greener on the other side.The tall want to be small, the small want to be tall, the thin want to be fat and the fat want to be thin, that should ease things for a bit longer. Good job im not feeling depressed!!!! lol x
Friday night was mainly to blame for this overwhelming fat feeling today. sweet n sour king prawn and a prawn cocktail. I even had the cheek to have a mug of coffee and a drifter afterwards! god im a pig. Any wonder i climbed into bed at 9pm feeling knackered and stuffed!
Glad to be home after a busy morning. The customers were nice on the phone which was a miracle after the last week, where they have all acted posessed, I did however, have a rather unpleasant journey home on the bus,
Firstly the usual suspects: 87yr old betty from the olympic trolley ramming event barged her way past me when I had been waiting there first, then 72 yr old jock, reeking of lager and stale smoke decided to have a conversation with a 40yr old loud and scary weirdo.who was 20 seats away from him. They bellowed back and forth to each other about cat pooh, cat spray and placing bets!
My attention was wavered slightly when a claudia schiffer lookalike climbed on. hmmm that shut them up. made me cover my cardi over my tummy discreetly muttering inwardly "bitch". nasty, i know! but i couldn't help it. I wanted to take betty's stick and whack her with it, grab jocks ears and shake them,shout loudly the words "shut up" in the weirdo's face and lastly put a spell on claudia that she would end up 13 and a half stone by the morning! I feel my smile broadening, oh what mischief still lurks in that old 37yr old mind of mine!.
Hard to believe a week ago I had humiliated myself by caking on the slap and going out. This was my sanctuary. Talking to you, Im secure, in my room, the world is secure! I found myself looking forward to coming home to carry on with this story and make my millions! yeah right. As if!, tried the Euromillions lottery last night. I dont usually do it ,but i decided to give it a go since the jackpot was 36 million. I put 8 lines on. £1.50 a go. not too bad tho! I won absolutely sod all, but "youve got to be in it, to win it" apparently. in what? shit? cos i am now I've wasted £10.50 lol. Another sigh. I think i need a cuppa. how apt cascada is blaring out the song " i need a miracle" gosh what a psychic lady.
I dont want much, just the mansion and the grounds and a home help and a driver and some kind of chef or cook to live next door. Funny to think Iv always preached to people the words "if youve not got health ,youve not got anything" money isnt everything. hmmm I think this worm has turned. I still believe the health bit but long so much for the money bit. I never seem to have it for long in my hand before its shipped out to a bank. post office ,supermarket or child!
I've always said if i had big money i would put it to good use. I'd love to have my own cattery and shelter for dogs that have been abandoned or ill treated. It sticks in my throat all those poor wee souls living in kennels. I've kinda agreed to rehome a puppy who will be born soon and who no doubt would be looking at being put in kennels if i didn't . It was on a saturday afternoon when i stupidly decided to go for a "quiet one" instead of doing the weekly shopping.Saturday's and alcohol dont mix for me obviously!
I don't know the chap all that well, but after a lengthy conversation it was agreed it would be better off with me than anyone or anywhere else.Dont know what my 2 cats will make of it but if it saves the wee thing going into kennels then so be it. I will sit purdie and oscar down and break it to them gently when the time is right! Im going to sign off for the night and watch the telly like a proper lounge lizard. I have the Sunday walking adventure to tell you all about tomorrow! Thats the walk to the in-laws to say happy birthday. why the walk? hmmm the blubber needs to go! wish me luck.x
Monday...I'm Bad Again!
Mon 9th shouldv'e been fri 13th!
Monday, 7am and that blasted alarm with the rude chicken song was blaring out. No way!. time for work. busy day with the phone constantly ringing. Good for business.... bad for me! No sooner was my day at work over, than I found myself heading off to visit my relative to celebrate another birthday.
This is whereI got it so wrong yet again, After an initial...."no wine for me thanks, I'm working in the morning" and "I dont drink the night before work", while also still feeling the effects from saturday night, I got absoulutely hammered and "apparently" started hurling insults or so i was informed the next morning.Oh god, what was going on? Why was i behaving like a ned or chav or och far too many names to choose from. My point? I was an idiot and woke up Tuesday morning to find I hadn't remembered getting home or throwing up in the bath! and worse of all was that flaming alarm at 7am belting out the chicken song!
Tuesday? where did monday go? I lost monday. I felt like an old nasty alky. With my tail tucked in tight I sent the apologetic text messages genuinely meaning every word and feeling really rotten about being so out of order the night before but unfortunately got no reply...made me feel worse, but my own fault indeed. That was it. Definately No more alcohol, and id meant it. I couldnt believe i was feeling so ill and bad.
If i thought monday was busy, i was in for a huge shock with Tuesday. It was constant. The only saving grace to ease the stress of the guilt and hangover was the fact I'd found a takeaway nearby that made a fried egg and bacon roll. Lunch time couldn't come sooner! ahhh thank god. I lost count of the amount of liquids consumed during the day, Having to undo my button and zip of my trousers to sit down, told me I'd drank a fair bit! I just wanted to rewind back to saturday when i felt safe and secure sitting here typing, without the wine and going out bit of course! I need under that duvet.
Wednesday 7am chicken song time still feeling so ill and humiliated and yes of course it had to be another busy day at work. seemed to be only grumpy whingy whiny customers complaining. Karma. I spent a lot of time sighing and inwardly hoping the phone would die. staff off on holidays made the place quieter but so much worse feeling this way.It had an echo when the phone wasnt torturing me. Ended up being an hour and a half late getting home waiting on my lift gave me time to think.What did i need drink for and why didnt i have a cut off point? hmmm my favourite word was back, the answer unfortunately was i had no cut off point. I drink to get drunk the words binge drinker springs to mind! it has to stop.
Thursday night and im here, no need to bore you with the crappy details of my horrendously busy and stressful day and of course the wonderfully charming and welcoming 7am chicken song. I must make a mental note of changing the alarm tone to anything at all. and soon.Its 9pm and im exhausted after being summoned to the livingroom i must now go and make a cup of tea and watch a programme about a cat who saves a family! i will however be back tomorrow evening after work to let you know how my life has been. lol bet you can't wait! nite nite. sleep well. x
承担
2007 年 9月6日
敦敦的表哥和表姐开学前来家 里住了几天，这下可喜坏了敦敦，毕竟有哥姐相伴的日子并不 多，对一个独生子来说是巴不得的好事。
玩'Risk'的时候，敦敦很自信，看表哥没 玩过，高姿态地让了表哥一步，曾'称霸亚洲'的敦敦，很得 意，但一不留神，在表哥凌厉的攻势下功亏一篑，滑铁卢了。 看着满脸郁闷的敦敦。大表哥直后悔刚才跟小表弟玩得太过严 肃，执著。
跟表姐 开战的时候，敦敦吃一堑长一智，不敢轻敌，死活不让步， 发'毒誓'要赢初次玩'Risk'的表姐。表姐心中有数，不失风度地让她的小表弟过 了一回'称霸世界'的瘾。
没姐 弟兄妹之情的滋润的孩子也缺乏在玩耍的过程中学习承担后果 的机会。通常父母没时间也不愿跟孩子一般见识，孩子连跌跟 头的机会也没有。在生活中不畏惧犯错而且懂得承担后果是孩 子的必修课，他长大后，走出家门，没人会对他让步。跌倒了 的时候，他应该知道拍拍身上的土爬起来，想清楚为何摔了这 一跤。懂得承担的孩子才会更加勇敢，懂得承担的孩子才会更 加自信。
So this is the public journal.
Hello to all who can see me
Herefor all eyes to see
To write from the heart
i am free
free to express free to laugh as the words sweep over the page
Memories flood my mind and the present moves on with it's age
I will laugh I will cry
I will want to die
There is a pain within that will always stay
Brought on by one fatefull day
We move on the best that we can
We smile and I hope you will take my hand
Can't stop twitching. I blame the smokes. I guess that's a sign I should quit??
Nah.
In office, as always. Need to do editing and all that jazz. Presentation next week and haven't started on it yet. Oh well. Maybe Sat.
Ummmmm.....not too much to report at this pt. I finally got to talk with casey again the other day, after a few days without hearing his voice on the other end of the phone : (
but all is good again. I'm scrambling to get his carepack out. I don't want it to seem I'm putting it off, bc I'm not. I literally have no tieeemmmppooo to do shit. Sucks. Time managment is a bitch.
Finally figured out what I'm doing my web pg on : ) Hopefully it works out. Also looking to start that organization on campus this semester. I can see how it may be impossible honestly at this pt with time and all, but I really want to. Hopefully I can get bites and all (which I really think I will...it's first of it's kind on campus). It'll be nice to put, that I started an organization on campus, and hopefully it'll continue on for years to come. : )
That's it for now I guess. Man, I need another cigarette....
Sunday Morning
Oopsie, I seem to have been very bad as this is now Thursday! now let me see where do i start? hmmm I unfortunately went with the earlier idea on saturday evening of "going out"! I washed my hair, slapped on 3 quarter trousers boots and a large mans shirt with a huge belt wrapped round my waist. I am cringing as i remember. I also slapped rather bright green eyeshadow on and more than likely had cheeks that resembled Aunt Sally! and lipstick like coco the clown.
Oh god why did i go? I was lucky enough to remember my evening as i did a lot of dancing. with an old work colleague, wonderfully gay and so pleased to be in his company, even though he did insist on the usual "after shock" yuk" I hate that stuff.. Sunday morning at home after waking up naked, clothes strewn all over the house and the neighbours cat brought in from the rain and rehomed for the night, my head was banging like a huge bass drum. The words echoed round my head. "why did i go out"? I hated the guilt feeling in my tummy of "what did i do?" "what did i look like"? and "oh god was i out of order"? Id have to wait to be informed of tha latter.
For some strange reason unknown to mankind, i decided to cut the grass! there i was rough as a badgers bottom, feeling incredibly sick and unsteady and i chose to tackle the lawn mower and strimmer. A proper punishment for a hangover. After 15 mins i looked around and wanted to stop but couldnt cos it looked so bad! damn it id have to keep going, and thats exactly what i did. I moaned and grumbled all day and was only truly happy when i was all cosied up under the duvet feeling awful but reassuring myself i would soon be asleep and feel so much better tomorrow.
The second day of school was more exciting than the first.
My Web Design class is so boring! And the cute guy isn't even my partner! I'm telling myself I have to talk to him tomorrow though.
I stole the index card from Orchestra with my name and #1 on it! - It's so exciting.
No longer will I pursue guys. I will let them do all the chasing, all the hunting or whatever other word that could be used to describe what they do. Not only is it stressful and tiring trying to get the guy - most likely if you are doing all the persueing,they wont want you anyways! I know the guy I would like, but instead of throwing myself at him, i will give him subtle hints that i am very much so interested in him - and if he doesnt take the hints, he is either too dumb to get them or just not interested in me. Either way, I guess its his loss (not to sound cocky, but its so true!) The thing is, im not a player or a slut or anything like that. But I like to keep my options open and Im not too sure if that is good or bad. I dont want to give any wrong impressions or say the wrong things or anything!! I want to make good impressions and say good things, and make him smile and everything. I just dont know how hard it is gonna be to get me to work up the courage to do whatever it is i plan on doing. i dont even know.
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