Today was cool. Found out I can still enroll in school so tomorrow I'll be at my school bright and early. Can't wait till this weekend I might go out but will see. I'm going to be involved with some church functions Thursday through Sunday but I'm looking forward to my free time. Really I'm going to get all my shit this weekend hopefully Thursday. I've dragging this thing out but I'm ready to get it over with. Were making plans to go to LA this Thanksgiving. Can't wait haven't seen my fam in damn near 10 years. Sad but that's all about to change. I'm going to make sure I visit more. Next time I'll be that way hopefully in April. My mom, brother, and I are going for the weekend of thanksgiving can't wait. I'll get some shopping in, sight seeing, couple clubs, & time with my fam. I miss them all so much. I'm thinking it's cause I don't know them well.
Today I realized the most damaging thing about my parents fights when I was younger, the fact that the next day everything would be forgotten. Covered up to appear as if there are no problems and we have the greatest family on earth. I don't know if it's just me but I can forgive but I can never forget. So having my mom act as if she forgot he just called you a stupid worthless women who he doesn't love & don't need the night before pissed me off. More than him actually hitting her, more than him coming in drunk, more then him standing us up, more than him only thinking about himself, only doing things if it benefitted himself, more than the lack of love I believe he felt for me & my brother, more than the pure hate I felt for him when he was around because of all the lies & broken promises. He destroyed our family all because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants. He is the worst thing that ever happened to my mom. Besides my brother & I she has only gotten heartache, pain, endless tears, a couple of black eyes, foolish arguments, and a torn down self esteem. I thought I was over a lot of my demons from the past but it's clear I'm not because of the feeling I have in the pit of my gut. It's hate for the man I call father. My mother says only god can change my heart & take the pain away, but when your constantly around this shit it's hard to forgive & forget. Usually when a person gets older they start seeing there faults more clearly & try what ever it takes to change there old bad ways. Not him it's like as he ages he gets worst. Even with church he's not changing he's still as evil as the day is long. My dream wish is for my mom to leave his ass, leave him by himself so he can know how it feels to not feel love, to be abandon like what he did to us. Then maybe in time I will learn to let bygones be bygones. I remember the night he hit her the first time that we seen and the next morning she acted as if nothing happen(damn still pisses me off till this day) hurt so bad I hated her loss respect for her, felt like she deserved him Sometimes I still feel like she deserves him because she chooses to stay. She has other options beside that me & reece are grown we can take care of our self shit we been doing it since we came to Milwaukee. My life has been so broken behind the love hate bullshit my parents have taken us through. I may never forgive or forget all the bull I've been through because those 2 where so selfish and didn't think about the other 2 people involved in the story. But they did teach me life's biggest lesson early, NO ONE GIVES 2 SHIT'S ABOUT U BUT U(I MEAN REALLY WHOLE HEARTED CARE NOT THAT SURFACE SHIT). U WERE BORN ALONE & YOU'LL DIE ONLY. Maybe I'm just being a biter bitch scorn from the life I was born with. That's what I try 2 tell myself 2 but people keep proven what my parents taught me right.
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