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Dear friend,
You're my entire life. Where would I be without you? You are the person who shed light on every dark situation, you gave hope to me when I had run out. You lifted my spirits when they were six feet under, you've basically done more than I could have asked for.
Well, that's what I would like to think of you. The truth is, you're hardly ever there. You hardly ever help me in any situation. A lot of times, I really want to come to you, but you're not there for me. I hope you know I'd drop everything for you, I'd honestly do whatever it took to make you find your way in this life. You don't see it though, you don't want to get better. You don't want the help that I'm giving, or that anyone is giving. You run away from everyone who tries to come close.
I'm going to make a promise to you. A promise, that unlike you- I can guarantee I'll keep. I'm not going to make it so you can take advantage of it, or so you can walk all over me like im some kind of welcome home carpet in front of a door; no.
The promise is this : I will never leave your side. I will always be there when you need me. When you fall down, I'll help you up. When you finally recover from the state that you're in, I'll lead you back on the right path. You will do and be everything you've ever wanted.
You have to believe in yourself, in order for others to believe in you. It's clear to me that you have no idea on what direction you want to take in your life. You are so confused that you've resorted to be some kind of 'rebel'. I wish you knew how much it tears me apart; to watch you do this to yourself, and your family. I care about you so much, I love you so much; I need you, so much.
After everything I've done for you, you treat me like you take me for granted, i wouldnt be surprised if you actually do.

Well, please stop. Because the longer you continue to push me aside, the longer it will take for you to gain me back when you might just need me.
I love you, I want you to be better. I want you to care at least half as much as I do. And I know, thats not too much to ask from you.

It's about time for me to get off work and I have alot of crap to take care of. Dss is one of the places I have to go to. My son's arm needs to be checked out. I have to keep reminding myslef that I did what was right for him, well us. I dont want this situation to come back and bite me in the ass. zay doesnt is in for a suprise, she is will take dj her lovely little brother to the walk in clinic to have his stictches removed. They are crusted over and nasty looking, I told joey to take him to the emergency room to have it taken care of . Of course he didnt. What an asshole. He will will not be having any contact with dj, phone or otherwise. A court order to put distance between him and dj seems to be the next step. I am unsure about the process but it cant be that hard to decipher. I went to church yesterday, it was fine, he topic was "tell the devil to give me my stuffd my back. I was thinking hmm if the devil has it I am unsure whether I want it back.

But anyway, I spoke to the guy I have been chatting with via the lovely internet. From our chattering its evident there is no " love connection". He still lives at home with his momma. No Thanks. Curtis and I talked again about reconcilling and he mentioned that I am demanding. Which I readily acknowledge. I think he was suprised when I admitted that I still love him. Something keeps me wanting him and loving him. We been here before but nothing has come of it. I want to reach out to him, I have many fears, real as well as fabricated via my genius cerebellum.

During my last conversation with the pastor he remarked that he sensed that he could sense my affection for Curtis. Everybody who is aquainted with me is cognizant of how I feel about him. Perhaps this is what is preventing to entering into another relationship. God father once told me in order to get married, find a mate I first need to become single. This seems to be true in my case. I do love Curtis, but Iam not about to get rapped up in him like I once was. I cant decide what I should do if anything at all. He is definitley more upfront with his feelings. All my love for him amounts to the fact I cant marry him. Not that I dont want to one day, I cant marry someone I cant trust, with curtis you never know where you stand. I have to get out more, I am not about to be trippin' over shit I am powerless over.

Sometimes I feel selfish, because I want things to be all about me. And i guess, maybe that is a little selfish! But I really do try, I try to look out for my friends and family, I try to give them everything they deserve, and more. Sometimes I feel like no one appreciates anything I do- it makes me want to stop caring about anyone else but myself; i seem to be the only person who truly appreciates anything i give.
It hurts me when people say that they only care about themselves because they are just in this life for themselves. Okay, well that may be true, but why not make everyones lives a little easier while you're at it? Wouldnt you love if,a nice generous person gave you something or told you a piece of advice that changed your life forever? Maybe that has happened- and if it has, you know what im talking about.
Im not sure if i have ever had this experience, but i really hope one day someone starts to genuinely care about others. I dont mean giving them stuff, although thats always nice and I'd never complain.. but, im talking about respect here. Respect, dignity and everything else.
In Canada, since when is it okay to have sex with 88903482934 people before you reach adulthood? We're growing up too fast! We're not enjoying our childhoods. We don't do what kids used to do, and the only excuse people seem to come up with is 'times have changed, its different now'. WELL NO SHIT ITS DIFFERENT. but WHY? why did we let it come to this anyways? We brag about how many people we've slept with, all the things we've stolen and gotten away with, the drugs, the booze, the partying.
Where did our morals go? Since when is it some joke to lose your education and end up on the streets? Is this what we want our future kids to have to go through? WHY EVEN BOTHER WITH ANOTHER GENERATION! I know i wouldnt want my child growing up in todays society. Theres not enough good left, its all bad and immoral and nothing is what it seems. You can't trust anyone, you have to learn to have your guard up at all times.

It REALLY is sad when thats what it has come to. I'm not even 15 yet, and even I realize whats going on. Its not right.

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