Did you ever think, that someone so close to you, could possibly ever leave your side? The person who you just thought without a doubt, no matter what happened and no matter what you went through, no matter how close or far apart you are from them.. you just kind of knew, theyd always be there for you. And then they leave!!! And it seems like, it was all some kind of lie. Everything up until the point of their departure was fake. The words they said were fake. The smiles they gave you were fake. The things they did for you were just lies. They never meant a word, they never had good intentions, it was just a cover. I hate it all because you start to believe in that person and then they let you down. And you wish they didn't let you down because it was the one thing that kept you going. But when they do, and you survive it; you realize that you have more to live for than one person. One person; who fucked you over. That one person is such a small person when you compare - there are over six billion people on the planet for us to meet. Yet that one person, that one single person meant so much. And you still don't want them to go, even when they tear your heart apart, and screw with your mind and they make it so you cant concentrate on anything other than them. I think it's on purpose, but i could never be sure. Because I really don't think that anyone that special would want to hurt anyone on purpose, right? It just hurts to think about what could have been, and how much of an impact one person can have on my life! One person. I mean, other people have hurt me, and Ive lost other friendships and relationships and all of that, but when it actually happens to you- no matter how many times it happens.. you never get used to it. It's surprising everytime. You never see it coming, even when you expect it. I expected this to happen, honestly. I knew it wasnt going to last long like we had hoped for -- but it helped to hope. Because then I knew it wasnt just wasting my time. I dont think anything between me and this person was a waste of time. And, its never going to be completely over. He will be in my life for much longer, I wont forget him and I really hope he doesnt forget me. I hope I wasnt just another girl to him. He was so much more to me, in a lot of ways. But mainly he was my best friend. I told him things I told no one else. Not even my closest girl friends. And he kind of betrayed me in a lot of ways, but you know, when you put sooo much trust into someone that you forget about whatever they did, to fuck anything up! Because you believe so hard in what they can do for you and why you are keeping them around? Well if there is anything I learned..I don't do well in relationships. I am hot tempered and I am one to assume. I never ask for the truth, but there is a reason for that. I trust the people I get my information from, I trust my best friends. I need to learn a lot of things still but I guess that is what life is aboutright? Learning.. I dont knoww.
Hi,
大闸蟹生日宴
我楼下的邻居阿铁是个职场大侠，同时也是个很有生活情趣的女人，从烧菜到种花样样精通，还是个写抒情诗的高手，深秋的周末，刚从土耳其出差回来的阿铁拨通我的手机，邀请我和敦敦到她家里品尝大闸蟹，也真凑巧，临近我的生日，我顺便买了个蛋糕和五只冰糖葫芦带着敦敦欣然前往，敦敦说，老妈，你的生日会，为啥在别人家开？我告诉敦敦，你阿铁姨提前给我庆生日，何乐而不为，大闸蟹生日宴，很难得。
蒸好的大闸蟹上桌了，果然蟹肉神'鲜'，席间突感诗意上头，不妨描述一下今晚的写意生活：
秋气爽，桂花香，老少朋友聚一堂；
大闸蟹，小河虾，几杯好酒下肚肠。
玉米棒，热鸡汤，吃得浑身暖洋洋；
笑声朗，炉火旺，不觉忘记秋风凉。
I am starting a new chapter in my life and I have a feeling that jounaling will help with the process. I am a drug addict, and have been for many many years. My drug use has caused me to lose everything once when I was sent to prison for five years. When I got out, I decided that I would never use again because I had been given a second chance. Well, that lasted about 3 days and I was sucked right back in to this terrible addiction. It starts out small and I think that I can handle it, then it rages out of control. I am married to a wonderful man who is so supportive of me, but he can only take so much. I have decided to go cold turkey in my house for a week. I need to detox, to get my system free of drugs before my mind gets a chance to free itself. I am hoping that this journaling will help me to get my thoughts down and out of me. We'll see, This is day one.
你拥有百分之五十爱的股份
有空，我抓起画笔画了几张油画，如果说，从思考到写作是内省的一个层次上的进步，从写作到绘画可以说是在灵魂折射方面的一个质的飞跃。迄今为止，我画了四幅油画，第一个画的是'敦敦乐山观鱼'的背影，朋友看后说，这幅画只有当妈的才画得出来，敦敦裹在灰色的小T衫下面的嫩肉都表现出来了，接下来我画了敦敦小时候在新加坡出浴后倚在蓝格子沙发上看书的样子，新加坡很热，出浴的敦敦裸着上身，一条红格线毯裹在他的腰间，他长长的眼睫毛低垂着，小手捧着我刚给他买的一本大部头的书，津津有味地读着，画面大，色彩粗犷，但不失恬静美。第三副是小毛乐肥，敦敦告诉我，乐肥的这幅全身写真的立体效果超过他的大特写照片，晚上，把灯一关，整个一个小乐肥坐在画架上看着我们玩，在儿子的再三催促下，第四幅终于轮到画老公的肖像，正面的肖像难度很大，真费了大劲才把最令他骄傲的高直鼻子画出来，下颌很难画，一个中年男人所经历的情感历程和岁月的沧桑全集中在这一块，老公标志性的灰白头发衬着一件暗红色的T衫，配上他自认为很大的橄榄眼，知天命的心态和味道就出来了。不出我之所料，老公很嫉妒乐肥，觉得我把爱猫画得太逼真了，用他的原话说，那幅画是我用一腔爱猫之情喷出来的。幸亏敦敦的爷爷奶奶本着公正的态度，对老公的肖像给予了充分的肯定。
不管你愿不愿意承认，爱是排他的，爱也是有先后顺序的，一个人的爱心空间有限，空间被占据就是被占据了，一个人在特定的时间和空间里只能做一件事，从我画的油画这个侧面来看，我的爱显然分成了四份，有两份给了儿子，一份给了小猫，老公好彩，抓着了最后一份。
稍微仔细一想，老公应该偷着乐，因为儿子身上有一半是来自他的真传，如此加起来老公就已经占据了老婆爱心空间的一半，这样的比例很健康。不要指望老婆百分之百的爱，因为那样的爱太满，失去了理智的空间，不是痴的就是疯的。付出百分百的女人期待得到百分之二十的汇报，付出百分之五十的女人，情感丰富多彩，留足了生活的创造空间，重要的是她没指望得到很多回报，任何回报都令她满足，情感上满足的女人才可能教育出来高情商的儿子。从另一个角度说，在感情这个大公司里能拥有百分之五十的股份是绝对的超大股东，虽对公司拥有了相当的操控权，但也不是没有追加投资的余地。
Took J and O to the Church for the Halloween party there, Oct 31st. It was fun but Jett was so upset that he didn't get to go "real" trick or treating! He was a skunk. Mom made the costume and it was GREAT! He looked SO cute! He won the costume contest for his age. Oakley was a soccer player at school and a bug catcher at the church. He was also very cute but not as "into" his costumes as J.
CN and I went to Jay and Sans for their Halloween party (Sat. Nov. 3rd). We left the boys at my dad's (AGH! and she was there! I really shouldn't "settle" for him to babysit when she is around! Still a sore subject!) anyway, we dressed up as the "dead bride and groom" I wore my wedding dress! and he wore an old Jacket of DB's! He wasn't too happy about that! We painted our faces white and black circles under our eyes. Looked pretty good but probably jinxed us with the "dead" married couple! We didn't have too much to drink but had a pretty enjoyable time.
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