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I can't get over the fact, no matter what I do, it is never enough.� I don't think this is for her or even for me.� I think I starting to feel, I rather be alone with my son and raise him the best I can and hope for the best.�

She feels I defend him, which sometimes I do, but other times I really just don't agree with her.� I feel, it's her way or no way.� She can really make my insides boil, and I don't like that feeling.� She needs to sit back and relax or better yet deal with her ownself.� She doesn't return her familes phone calls and there is no reason not to.� She can be selfish and controlling, just as much as I am.� hmmmm� But there is no telling her that, she will just lock up.

I feel I can't win and it really is starting to get old.� Wow 2.5 years and still not where I want to be in my life.� All that is a happy family.� Is that to much to ask for?� I don't think it is.� /sigh/

I was diagnosed with PMDD about two weeks ago. I found out after almost ending my marriage and after losing my job.� It has been a long road and I am just beginning.� My husband has been patient but it hasn't always been that way. My mood swings were so bad that he hated my 23 out of the 24 hours and I was probably asleep the hour he didnt hate me. I know hate is a strong word but I was really really bad. I could start crying for no reason or for reasons only I understood. I felt like I was losing my mind and wanted to sleep the day away because my mind would run away from reality. I have�a medication phobia so anything I take I worry about the side effects and am always checking my pulse.� I hate the way I feel during these times because I end up having an anxiety attack because of my fears. I live in fear 90% of the time and the rest of the time I am trying to convince myself that there is nothing to be afaid of. This is my life everyday all day. Trying to be a happy wife when you are not happy with your life is very hard. YOu try to put on a happy face for everyone around you but inside you are doing everything you can to not cry or scream at everything that you dont like.� I have turned to God to help me through it all even though I dont fully know if I actually believe in God himself. I hate even feeling this way but I am trying my best to be honest. When I was younger I would write in journals and it would help get a lot of the anger and fears out in the open even though the only eyes that saw the words were my own.� This is my therapy now so that I dont have to depend on medicine. I also use meditation and controlled breathing to get me through the ruff times. I am also working on my diet just to cut out things like lots of�sodas and salt. Well for now I will end this but be sure that more will come and it wont always be so pleasent.

May 12, 2008

�

Happy Mothers Day’s�to all my Mama's.� Hope everyone had a great day!� Sunday morning I went to mass at St. Theresa’s Catholic Church.� You would have thought it was Christmas.� It was standing room only.� Good thing I am a party of one because I was able to find a seat.� After church I wanted to go to a restaurant to have breakfast before setting out to get some errands done.� Well that did not work out as planned.� Every place I went to was overflowing with people…I finally settled for Hardees because I was just plain HUNGRY (the quality of my breakfast was completely out the window).

�

I survived my trip to the DMV.� 3 � hours later I walked out with a North Carolina Drivers License.� The test was a little tricky but you just had to get 20 out of 25 questions correct.

�

I went down to Lowe’s Motor Speedway today to get set up for my work this weekend (Friday and Saturday night).� It’s just like when the fair comes to Athens.� There are semi’s all around the track, tents are going up, people working everywhere.� Things are starting to take shape.� There are even people in the camp grounds already!!!� It’s very, very, exciting.� It's hard for me to believe I am actually here.� I'm sure the excitement will wear off someday but for now it's great.

�

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass….

it is about dancing in the rain.

today~

i�go to song house~^^haha~

the second time le~^^so happy~

his family so cute~especially song's mother~^^so cute~

and his bro and sis~

i stay at his home almost the whole day~

studying lo~(study a bit only==play more~haha)

i like his family so much~^^but affraid they dun like me== feel so weird facing them==

so happy today~^^

haha~we have our dinner together~i eat so fast o==i also dunno how come i can eat so fast==

feel the distance between us are getting closer~^^like this~

cant wait for the next time~^^

today song ask me about our relation ship~

actually wat is the relation between us leh? friend?best friend?best best best best friend?............or couple?

i tell my self, friend will be the one always there.....but today.........my heart shake a bit le........

off course my thoughts wont change.........becoz all my experience told me tat couple never last......

when u r couples.......u will start to feel jealous, and then u will feel sad and angry when u see him near with other girls.........

then u will start to be angry with him and�all the quarrel�will appear......both will have arguement for every little small thing........like u should do this and not that ....wat ever......

then u will tide him by your side and start to tell him wat to do and not to�do and even�choose evrything for him.........this is bad, that is good........

if he dun listen........u will feel angry and he will feel angry too........

and yet, u will start to compare each other with other ppl..........and then u will feel confuse to continue this relation ship......

then at last.......there will be the end of this relation..........

but friend is different......

when u are friend, u dun have the ability to jealous, to�tide him by your side........

you cant tell him wat to do and wat cant do........

u cant tide him nor lock him in ur cage........

the only thing u can do is advise and encourage~

he still can has his freedom and�u can have yours~

there wont be a lock to lock both off u~

and when u need each other~for sure u both can be together~ maybe sit for a while and have a cup of tea can give u the comfort feeling~

friend wont give u stress but only happy and warm~

thats y i dun wan to be couples........

and yet.......if we become couples.......i dunno how long the relation can be keep.......i�scare........

dun wan our relation become worse.......

just want to give u a nice and warm and memorable time before u go to�USA..........

*baby......sorry�o............lost ur pencil.........ur favourite pencil........

i am really sorry.........

母亲节

�

���母亲节到了, 敦敦写了一篇字作为礼物送给他老妈, 他还对我说，这篇文字也送给世界上所有的妈妈. 文字不长, 但足以令我和所有母亲们感动. 因为孩子用心体会到了母亲们的伟大牺牲精神。

�

We all go through the process of life. Some people succeed, some people fail. For men, it’s to do your best. But for women the success is the failure. I think that the strongest living is the most-willingly dead. There are great sacrifices made around us, but we never understand. Mothers sacrifice themselves to help others. More simply said, to help men. Many men believe that they are soul engine of the family. They may forget that without women like my mother, families would not be possible. But if we understand we ourselves are all parts of the engine of this cycle, the maintainers of live, the world will be forever.

I think I joined a band today.

xD