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i've chilled out a bit know decided not to worry about money any more well i look at this way if the banks and the gorenment dont give a dam then why should i . if it 's the tax payers money that has bailed out these muppets yet again then why hasnt the tax payer been given shares in all the banks that we the public have paid for .when they sell these shares back to the banks at proffit in a few years time i bet we dont get to see any of that either .no instead the fat cats get fatter and the every day person ends up bankrupt and homeless . and why because the banks are the ones who gave every tom dick and harry loans and mortages they could never afford all so they got thier bonus for the most leanding that month or that year .well as i was told you made your bed now lie in it the same should be said for them.

I've tried�improving myself�as a person.�Harder than ever..but sometimes I feel stuck, well with my life at least..til�I leave this house as an�adult. It's almost unbearable anymore..I feel numbness within me.Let's start with the fact that my�family just doesn't understand my thoughts or actions no�matter how much i try to explain them. They are just unnaturally close-minded.. it drives me close to insanity. They turn every conversation into something about Jesus.�Everything�relates back to him.�Sometimes i think they're half-zombies..I don't want to make this entry about them, and besides, it would take too much of my time to waste. I'll just end with the fact that they don't let me be a normal teenager. I've lived my whole life, up until a few years ago, being a remotely shy close-minded person. Heh..just like them. And I wasted my days doing senseless things...I feel like a very important time period of my life was thrown away. And my brain has dysfunctional mental problems now because of that. My parents didn't care how i lived my life. I was just something to take care of. I never had meaningful bonding moments with them. They never gave me advice on anything.�I had to go about�each and every little thing on my own.�Now, I've grown and realized the different ways I've wasted�those years. I could be a prosperous confident intelligent person, but it's so hard to start in such late years. Everyone seems to be way ahead of me socially. I mean, I have friends, it's just none of them are hardly even like me. I don't even think they fully understand me no matter how close we are. And our interests�almost completely�differ. I should be associating with the�indie free-spirited buoyant�sorta�people, but the one thing that holds me back is my social skills. I have quite a low experience. I don't worry about what people think, I just want them to accept me. So i've settled in with my crowd. I need new friends. I've grown and changed, but it's just hard to change your whole group of friends especially when they are socially experienced a lot more than I.

Now this was one jumbled entry of complex thoughts. I know I should've expanded in some places, it's a little confusing.

But I'd really like some feedback, thanks.

October 10, 2008

Well, the big traveling gig at JGRS has come to an end.� Our final traveling date was to�Kentucky Motor Speedway.� It will resume again in January 2009 with a trip to Miami.� There are still dates to work here in Concord but no more traveling.� When I started traveling with the racing school the work was a little (a lot) crazy and I was not sure how I was going to make it thru.� Now that I have survived the whole season I do have to say it was a great experience.� I found my grove and really started having fun with my job after about the first month.� The days were long and the weather was hot but it also had some great benefits.� One of those being, the people that I worked with.� I have really meet some great folks and over the summer had made some new friends which is something that is really important when you move to a city where you do not know anyone.� I have really become comfortable going out and entertaining myself but it is much better to know you can pick up the phone and call a friend when you can’t figure out what it is you want to do.� I am grateful for the opportunity to have met so many great.� Everyone comes with a different perspective and life experiences, which, when you get to know, them can really broaden your own horizons.�

He was off on Friday so my weekend was long. We did the Costco thing the first day. We're buying more from there these days, I see that bill go up, while the Safeway bill goes down, guess it all works out but I like to think I'm saving where I can. We've been getting our gas when we go too, this week we only needed 20bucks worth cause I didn't go anywhere last week.

The JV team won the Egg Bowl�game and the Varsity lost, aww! We had 5 years of wins tho and they can't take that away!

Haircuts for my boys on Saturday, lookin good!

Baked my first Pumpkin pie of the season, yummm.

Finished my book that had me in it's grip this week. "Loving Frank" great read!!

Yard work on Sunday, not much goin on out there but got to keep up, lookin good.

So here we are, Moan-day again. I'm lonely, laundry and housework - life is good.

HOLA!

I'm trying to do my social project right now. It's not that hard. i just find it hard to find an introdution.

It's getting cold =(

THANKSGIVING!

We didnt' have turkey so we celebrated with chicken. Its not that bad. turkey chicken turkey chicken.

I'm bored.

������ love

����������� blah bee�

haha poop green

oh yea. We're gonna call the�SPCA to get the kitties tomorrow.�=( i dunt want them freezing in the winter.�It's so dangerous too.�CARS� KITTIES�!�

THATS NO GOOD.�

i'm gonna start my report .�

�-.- wish me luck. �

Went to a spanich church today. Well its at my regular church but there's a special Spanish service. It was great, I enjoyed the message, and it was also translated into English. I understood some of the Spanish parts though. I really should speak fluently by now, after learning the language for about 9 off and on years...Yeah so, I was still pretty moody today, feeling down, but eventually I brightened up and felt better, i found a sweater tunic, with gray and purple stripes on sale for about $6 at Target. Muy impotente...I also bought these colourful festive socks that helped me feel better. I'll probably wear them on Halloween. My hair feels sticky as hell from the honey I put in it thinking if I mix it with olive oil and water like the people on the internet did, it will help my hair. It works best as a deep conditioner that should be washed out. On wednesday or so, I'll wash out my hair.� So yeah, and I tried to get some homework done. I decided to make my entry public today, mainly because I have nothing to hide, and because I'm feeling that since I'm new to this site, I should at least show my face here once before I run back into my protective shell�again. There's so much more to me than I could ever describe on any of these websites, but the basics are that I'm a junior in high school, I live in the United States, too paranoid to specify where exactly, and my family is from Jamaica. I love reading, writing, listening to glorious music, spending time with family and friends, as well as drawing, singing, dancing when I can, eating, despite how skinny I am, and what else? Well that's the jist of it. My entry is kind of a bore, but I gues that's why i made it public...

soooooo i've thinking alot...it seems like i have lost all my freinds...yes i have made new ones at my work...but i mean the ones that were there for me when i needed them to be.. it feels like i have lost the ones i could have a shoulder to cry on...it hurts. im here at home sitting doing nothing at all. ive apologized to the ones who need to b apologized to but its like they tell me to f off n they dont care.i miss all my old freinds when i need someone its they dont answer or they dont text me back.. im soooooo on the verge of just leaving and never coming back...i feel like im not wanted� anymore.. i have no use to be here..i just wanna move�and start over start from scratch were no one know me...

A month ago I woke up and my word came to a shattering hault as i looded upon the face of a breathless 6 month old baby girl.� Once so full of life, and movement, I saw only stillness.� Then came the panic, the fear, the saddness and anger all crashing down one me.� It is so strange, after a flood of almost every single emotion, to not feel any joy at all.� In fact, I cannot fathom joy.� Only pain, and lonliness.