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When I was a little girl I'd think "what if..." and it always led to anxiousness, a sort of shakey feeling in my stomach and sometimes fear. I remember being told that I shouldn't worry about the "what if's" and that was that. As if they knew that all things would just take care of themselves. But I knew different. Things don't work out, they fall apart usually, you don't know what's going to happen to you and you'd better watch out. My grown-ups were not so good at life. They messed up in ways I couldn't understand back then, what I know now is that they shouldn't have had children when they did, then when they divorced they could have moved on�without looking back. Oh, wait - that's what they did! And that's when the "what if's" became real for me.

That was then and�this is now, I'm in charge now and I can make my life what I want it to be...right? I want to and for the most part I think I'm doing good. But I still feel small when I get to thinkin "what if". It's not always a bad what if, like now, I'm wondering what if I could become something more than I am now. I want to bring something new into my life, I want to make something more of myself. And as soon as I think it I feel like a deer caught in the headlights, frozen.

Can I trust myself to take care of me as I go forward into the unknown? I want to...

October 04, 2008

So many things happend to me in the past and nothing does seem to go right dont ask me if Im emo because the answer is YES if you don't know what it means hear you go� http://mx.youtube.com/watch?v=R_7BXOOjBf8��and http://mx.youtube.com/watch?v=YLMwfbGhoW4� My life sucks so much all I want to do is cut my wrists even if I do I cant stop Ive been in therapy already I got 9 slits on my wrists :( I don't need help my life really is a living hell :(

i ran away from home. and they didn't even care about that. even my mother didn't even care, and surely that's because she has her own family now. my step father has arrived and that's a very good thing for her. she now has everything, a daughter, a husband and that's enough. Im too much for her, my sister fits it all. they truly are a perfect family, no place for me to but in.

Diana's birthday is on a weekend!

she says she might invite us over for a partayy� but ehh . i dunno if she will =( maybe we go movies? =)

.AGUIHOAHDLIHJL noo.. DGM� is ending! FINAL EPISODE IS OUT. BUT IT WAS SO GOOD.� nooo . I hope there's a sequal though. if not. i'm gonna cry.

ew. i smell like potatoes. maybe cuz we were baking fries�today =D yumm

I just found out from my foods teacher that .. there's something in SKITTLES that clog something inside you... i dunno. i forgot but. NOW I KNOW.. skittles are dangerous.

we took the other food's class block today. cuz we had double block =( which means ... we owe them 2 blocks. WHICH MEANS we have to do "food theory" in the sewing room for the rest of the other week -.-

type later.

love

blahbee

Today I won't rant about our economy. I'm focusing on our anniversary.

We met 37 yrs ago today. He had those deep brown eyes, he called me a little fox.

We couldn't know then what we know now, we believed in us. Each day was and is�a decision to love.

We're not going to go out tonight, keepin it cheap. So he was talking about the meatloaf I used to make back when I used to have to stretch a lb. of hamburgar to feed the 6 of us. I haven't made it in years. He said he missed it, so guess what's on the menu tonight!

Alright, so now we know! It's been said that the country doesn't like uncertainty, well - things are becoming clear now.

All you little girls better take your dollies and run home now�cause this is a game that only the strong will survive.

Attitudes have to start changing here in the land of plenty. We've got to understand that it's not always going to be easy, it's not gonna be comfortable all the time, it might even be hard!

Yes,�I'm pissed off! I don't deserve this trouble at my door. I've been responsible, I've done the right thing, I've conserved, I've saved, I've prepared for the future with discipline. I've paid my dues along the way and now it seems I'll be expected to pay someone else's dues!

How embarassing it is to be American these days. I imagine the rest of the world laughing up their sleeves as they watch the "greedy, fat, self-serving, capitalists" suffer. Gee, wonder if it's a good time for an attack?

sick is all i can say today sick of the deppressing news ,sick of worrying how to pay the bills ,sick of hearing about this so called credit crunch .well how about we bring back robin hood he took from the rich and gave to the poor .think thats what we need right now the every day hard working family are the ones who suffer in the long run so how about the mps and all the heads of the banks and so on donate money into the ecconomy that they have sent down the toilet instead of us paying for them it;s about time they payed for their own mistakes .after all we did'nt let northern rock go down they did but yet again we suffer . well thats my rant for the day i'm going before i say somthing that might get me in trouble .