Luby

������������ Not that I ever asked for, but I never got anything back. Everything from me only goes one way. If I want to be followed I must keep running. Finding me is not an option. I must go and keep going where ever it takes me. Following the sun, moon, wind, stars, or shorelines I am directed to anything that doesn’t keep in one place. Critical but a strategy that keeps me alive. I may never find a place to call home since I spend my life on an endless journey. I have no other options. After everything I’ve tried this is my last hope.�

������ ����� I make friends on the way but I never say good bye as I have to leave. I mark with sings of my existence leaving forgotten memories. My words may not make sense to anyone, but I can’t make them understand, or maybe I don’t want them to.

������������ I want to say “I don’t have to explain myself” but then I feel as if people think the worst of me. I do things that are difficult to explain. A lot of times I am trapped in the past, and many times I have a different world inside my head. All these things separate me from everyone else. I feel alone when no one understands me, but I know if I was another person I wouldn’t understand myself. I want people to accept me for who I am. Many times I am a mystery but it doesn’t always mean I am scared or keep distant. My reasons are far beyond imagination of a second person. I am very reasonable and my reasons don’t have to be explained, for they are what I am.

������������ My independence is my curse and my gift. I lived through tough times and my experience brought me to this location. I was sitting on a chair of my past and I walked the same steps as I did years ago. If only someone had strength to wake me, but no one claims my being. I am not owned but rather self attained. It hurts to take actions against ones desires and the price I pay you can’t imagine.

������������ I am taking a risk I have packed as if I am not coming back, I know I have to come back, but I feel like I put my life on the line. I am not afraid of death. I have cleared everything away that I didn’t want anyone to find in case something happens. My room is cleaned; all my pictures, candles, etc are in boxes. My floor is clean and my bed is made. I got money out of ATM and I am waiting for the right time to go. My clothes are packed. I got my personal belongings in a bag. Taking a motorcycle hundreds of miles away is not a good idea, but I have courage to take a lead. I am a leader.

������������ I have been avoiding the internet a lot lately. I needed someone to talk to and all I have is writing journals and expect a random person in the world to read it.

������������ I turned 19 over a month ago and I don’t feel any different. I forget that I am not 18 anymore. I guess maybe that is because I didn’t have any celebration. I remember waking up in the morning for a drink. I remember hiding in my room, avoiding phone calls and doorbells. Both of my parents were at work and my sisters at work or school. I was trying to keep myself from going nuts. It was probably the worst day of the year. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I spent drinking till midnight hoping to get noticed.

������������ I think most of my problems come from my childhood. I remember hiding under the kitchen table when my father came from work. I seriously thought he was a stranger. I remember looking out the window watching kids play while my mother kept me locked up at home. I cry when I realize I never had a chance to be a kid. I was always an adult who had to think for myself and for others. I wish to know what it feels like being cared for.

������������ I didn’t have the love that parents could give to their children. I never wanted to hug or kiss my parents. I remember once I kissed my mom when she brought food home, but I was on drugs and got very hungry. I wanted to see a physiatrist just to have someone I could talk to. That part I was always missing in my life.

������������ All my parents care for is money. Every day I come home I have so much tension on me. I hear them tell me all the things I should have done today, and at the end of conversation I am the bad guy. I separate myself from family a lot. I tell them I have plans with my friends, but instead I go anywhere to be alone. I can walk in to a bar for a drink and sit alone in the corner. I don’t talk unless I say give me a check. I sit on a bench outside smoking a cigarette.�I got for a walk or look at the stars at night. I always think if maybe someone is looking at them with me.

������������ I am not really the guy people like to be around with. I feel as if I am cursed. I don’t make anyone feel better so I try not to communicate much. I want to escape from everything. Not exactly looking towards a new life I want to be gone. I don’t want to be where I am. I don’t like being alone all the time, but its best this way. I can’t be making more mistakes. I give people a favor when I leave.

����������� I know I need help but no one to ask from. I know I need to talk about things that are bothering me but no one around I can trust. I am not a very good person. I do things that make me a queer. I don’t have anyone I can relate to.�Everyone always leaves me. I feel like the only reason I am still alive is because I can poison my mind long enough for tomorrow. And then everything starts over again.

������������ I hate my life. I have so many opportunities but I don’t have the strength to take my chances. I was looking for a job and applied at few places. It has been over a month and no calls. I gave up looking. I can survive without a job anyways. I am not ready to go to work. If only I could pull myself together, but I only drip blood.

������������ This is my life. These are my miseries. It will always be this way. I am the guy who walks into a bar for a drink. Always comes alone, it is almost pointless. When I die I don’t need to be remembered like this. I will be forgotten very fast as I am forgotten alive.

He makes me look like I work for him. He thanks me if I finished the job and asks me if everything is in place. Why does he do that? I will tell you. For so long he had me going. I didn’t work; I hurried to finish everything in time. He got the credit. I don’t work for him. His words are lies. Many times I want to throw my fist, but I smile and shake his hand. I give him a high five and tell him he did a great job. I did his great job. I took care of all the hard problems and he made it seem like he is standing on a hill. He acts like leader and has his ways with words, but the truth reveals him with no knowledge. He is smart and plays that gave. He jumps off a plane and doesn’t want me there. He knows they like me a lot. He tells me to leave all the time, but I know I am not there for credit. He has all the credit that he stole from me and he can keep it. My reason is beyond his expectations. He can’t stop me from what I am. It won’t bother me that he came and got the entire cool. But I know inside his heart he’s fake. And some of the works I am using comes from a 2^nd reference. Means I am not making it up. I was told he is doing this to me, so I have confidence. It is true he communicates better than me, but no one reads the ingredients printed on a water bottle. They assume it is pure water.

������������ I dream and I have an amazing fantasies. In my mind I join colors and feelings together. My heart is a stake of shatter. My body is cold without cover. My eyes are in tears of love. I am a lonely phantom. I do anything for a soul. A mate who never lets you down and comfort for eternity. Every lifetime I suffer with pain. My curse has destroyed me for millions of years. I want to be normal. I want to have what everyone else deserves. I want to live a happy life. I need to die another way. But maybe this was meant to be. If I get my passion the world will sadden. I guess I rather take the fault. I will make myself a goner. I shall never see a sunset in her arms. I am a desperate imagination. My life is ending with a cause.

��������� I walked outside today to look at the starts. I was waiting to see a shooting star and I did. It was a pretty sight. I tried to make a wish and I think I did. It is complicated though. I can’t fall asleep right now, but I know that writing keeps me calm. I feel very insecure and uncomfortable. I don’t know what else to do to make me happy. This is not the life I want to live and it is so hard to stay cool. Sometimes I think everyone has a better life than me, which may not be true.

��������� I’ve been thinking about a lot of things and one thing was about what makes me feel good. I don’t want be ignorant about anything but I know if I felt good I would be happy. What makes me feel good might make others think I am something bad. I don’t want to use anyone just for myself. Do humans deserve to feel good? I don’t see anything wrong in it. I am not causing pain to anyone am I. I’ve never had anyone tell me they want me to be happy. I don’t feel loved at all. I know there were girls who liked me but it’s not close to what I have told. Everything is so complicated.

��������� The mind set of me in my friend’s eyes. It is something that describes me but in the way I don’t want to be looked at. As if they see a lie but not the true me. I want people to look closer to each other’s souls. What another person is going through may help understand why they feel or do things. �

������������ Keeping myself form asking too much. Holding on to anything that keeps me stable. Need to stay calm. I can’t be desperate. I am trying not to be. Doing all I can to make things better. Am I alone in this? Am I the only one who tries? Maybe I cause problems and maybe I t is me who has problems. It is hard to concentrate, but I am doing all I can. If my body and mind is not strong enough to withstand this battle, will I be a loser? I do not know what I am worth to people or myself. I do know what is in my heart. My fantasies, I want them to be real. They feel good and I want everyone to feel that way with me. Only then I won’t feel alone.

������������ Nobody knows the truth and it’s best to keep is that way. It won’t hurt anyone anyways as long as it stays a secret. They call and talk but have no idea what is happening. The truth would then only make me look sick. My actions are my problems. My feelings are my sensitiveness. I am what no one ever sees.

������������ I am not afraid of death as if I am suicidal. I don’t mind performing actions that may take my life. Danger does not stop me. No fear of getting physically hurt. The time has taught me to be stronger. The truth changes like night and day. I am not falling back. I am more ready than I ever was. The past opened my eyes. Mistakes moved the walls away for me. I strive for a new beginning.

������������ I have two choices left. Both of them will make things better. One is hard, I will have to help and do my best with financing to support them. And another choice I can change the behavior and which will cover most needs and change life as we know it, but it will cost me my life. The one I am looking at most of the time right now is the one that cost me my life. My appearance on earth has done much harm. Giving away one life can help many. That is if I succeed. �My time is running out and I have to decide. Is my life worth it?

������������ I don’t think I have even been worse than I am now. One thing happened I could dealt with it, but there are way too many now. I can’t make it. The only thing that has been saving my live is booze; it keeps me in bed instead of over a bridge waiting for a right time. I was doing ok until I got the phone call. I pretended like everything was fine, but when I turned my head I would begin to cry. I was going to be ok but not anymore. I am losing everything; my life is not even worth it. I may have to drop out of college because I have absolutely no support. My car has been taken away, my job does not exist. I can’t afford getting to school. I already have thirty-five hundred dollars of loan; my credit card is maxed out. I worked for my parents to only depress myself and feel worthless. I don’t know what else to do. I have tried so hard to keep myself on top but I keep being shoved down. My life is over. I might as well end it now.