I tried to go the whole day without any pills, and then comes the night and�I am wide awake. I am having a withdraw and paniking, resisting to take another. I want to stop and have a normal life. I
want to fall asleep without any drugs. Occasions became daily consumpsion. My blood pressure is high and I am trying everything to keep it low. but I cannot stop taking all these pills. Such an
unbalanced life cycle I can no longer control. I don't know whats gona happen to me, I just know I have a lot of things to do tomorrow.
I just have to stay strong, but I may be going insane again. It is so hard. I don't even know what is happening. I fee like I am hanging over a a hill. I keep aksing mysefl wheather or not I did
something wrong. I tried so hard and I got the worst. Nothing has a value to me that is greater. I am so hopeless and worthless. I can't stop thinking about it. I keep comming back to that feeling
and it won't go away. I can't move on. I don't know if I can live this way.
One minute I lauph at it and the next I cry. I can;t seem to balance out my emotions toward those words. When I lauph I feel like my life is worth more than their hate towards me. I am strong and
ready to do the impossible. But when I am sad I cry over and ask my seft questions why can't I be loved by them. I am so weak and hopeless. I become trash smelling liquor and�the smoke fumes across
the street. I am strong and I am weak, they both are confusing.
If only to have something constant to help me find that ballance. To feel complete and be a success for life. Right now I can't forfill any of my dreams. I can't even wake up for a breakfast. I
don't even have a place to call home. A home is a place you go when you have no where else to go. And it feels good there. But being forced to leave does not feel good.
I felt home once in a very weird way. It was not in a place but in someones heart.
It seems all I have of my family is my two sisters. Both of my parents go behind my back spying on me. They tell me they are ashamed to have a son
who’s a queer. Accusing me of having gay sense of humor. Apparently I’m the devil in the family. Then their whole
church is talking shit about me. But still my phone keeps ringing Luby I need this, Luby I need that. I not stupid to
realize pointing fingers when I am not looking. And over hearing conversation, they are all making fun of me. Hearing it from
people who I thought I could trust. People who I grew up with express their hate on me.
Can things get any worse?
It’s like everything I thought I had, was never there. All I have is what’s with me now
This fire that egnited in my heart has been burning for so long. With out anything to feed on it is burning out and I can feel it. Left for so long I am begining to move on. But a part of me doesn
not want to. I still know how I feel but it's been years without true words. Something is going to happen to me if I am not stopped. But I am afraid it may be too late. If someone else throws more
fire wood it will catch on fire.�Then I will be realy on someone else's apearance.�I rather not, but It's not alway up to me.�
������������ Not that I ever asked for, but I never got anything back. Everything from me only goes one way. If I want to be followed I must keep running. Finding me is not
an option. I must go and keep going where ever it takes me. Following the sun, moon, wind, stars, or shorelines I am directed to anything that doesn’t keep in one place. Critical but a strategy
that keeps me alive. I may never find a place to call home since I spend my life on an endless journey. I have no other options. After everything I’ve tried this is my last hope.�
������������ I want to say “I don’t have to explain myself” but then I feel as if people think the worst of me. I do things that are difficult to explain. A lot of times I am trapped in the past,
and many times I have a different world inside my head. All these things separate me from everyone else. I feel alone when no one understands me, but I know if I was another person I wouldn’t
understand myself. I want people to accept me for who I am. Many times I am a mystery but it doesn’t always mean I am scared or keep distant. My reasons are far beyond imagination of a second
person. I am very reasonable and my reasons don’t have to be explained, for they are what I am.
������������ I have been avoiding the internet a lot lately. I needed someone to talk to and all I have is writing journals and expect a random person in the world to read it.
������������ I turned 19 over a month ago and I don’t feel any different. I forget that I am not 18 anymore. I guess maybe that is because I didn’t have any celebration. I remember waking up in
the morning for a drink. I remember hiding in my room, avoiding phone calls and doorbells. Both of my parents were at work and my sisters at work or school. I was trying to keep myself from going
nuts. It was probably the worst day of the year. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I spent drinking till midnight hoping to get noticed.
������������ I think most of my problems come from my childhood. I remember hiding under the kitchen table when my father came from work. I seriously thought he was a stranger. I remember looking
out the window watching kids play while my mother kept me locked up at home. I cry when I realize I never had a chance to be a kid. I was always an adult who had to think for myself and for
others. I wish to know what it feels like being cared for.
������������ I didn’t have the love that parents could give to their children. I never wanted to hug or kiss my parents. I remember once I kissed my mom when she brought food home, but I was on
drugs and got very hungry. I wanted to see a physiatrist just to have someone I could talk to. That part I was always missing in my life.
������������ All my parents care for is money. Every day I come home I have so much tension on me. I hear them tell me all the things I should have done today, and at the end of conversation I am
the bad guy. I separate myself from family a lot. I tell them I have plans with my friends, but instead I go anywhere to be alone. I can walk in to a bar for a drink and sit alone in the corner.
I don’t talk unless I say give me a check. I sit on a bench outside smoking a cigarette.�I got for a walk or look at the stars at night. I always think if maybe someone is looking at them with
������������ I am not really the guy people like to be around with. I feel as if I am cursed. I don’t make anyone feel better so I try not to communicate much. I want to escape from everything.
Not exactly looking towards a new life I want to be gone. I don’t want to be where I am. I don’t like being alone all the time, but its best this way. I can’t be making more mistakes. I give
people a favor when I leave.
����������� I know I need help but no one to ask from. I know I need to talk about things that are bothering me but no one around I can trust. I am not a very good person. I do things that make
me a queer. I don’t have anyone I can relate to.�Everyone always leaves me. I feel like the only reason I am still alive is because I can poison my mind long enough for tomorrow. And then
everything starts over again.
������������ I hate my life. I have so many opportunities but I don’t have the strength to take my chances. I was looking for a job and applied at few places. It has been over a month and no
calls. I gave up looking. I can survive without a job anyways. I am not ready to go to work. If only I could pull myself together, but I only drip blood.
��������� I walked outside today to look at the starts. I was waiting to see a shooting star and I did. It was a pretty sight. I tried to make a wish and I think I did. It is complicated though.
I can’t fall asleep right now, but I know that writing keeps me calm. I feel very insecure and uncomfortable. I don’t know what else to do to make me happy. This is not the life I want to live
and it is so hard to stay cool. Sometimes I think everyone has a better life than me, which may not be true.
��������� I’ve been thinking about a lot of things and one thing was about what makes me feel good. I don’t want be ignorant about anything but I know if I felt good I would be happy. What makes
me feel good might make others think I am something bad. I don’t want to use anyone just for myself. Do humans deserve to feel good? I don’t see anything wrong in it. I am not causing pain to
anyone am I. I’ve never had anyone tell me they want me to be happy. I don’t feel loved at all. I know there were girls who liked me but it’s not close to what I have told. Everything is so
������������ Nobody knows the truth and it’s best to keep is that way. It won’t hurt anyone anyways as long as it stays a secret. They call and talk but have no idea what is happening. The truth
would then only make me look sick. My actions are my problems. My feelings are my sensitiveness. I am what no one ever sees.