������������� Once you have seen everything, you learn that no matter of the consequences there is light shining from above. It fills you with everything. The power inside the feeling, there is no defeat.
������������ I stand here thinking how much different my life would have been if I was never born. I know I am not a bad person to hate myself, but there is much out there that I caused. Every life in the world has a tendency to push people away. Sometimes it brings them closer together. Taking the wrong path and making more mistakes. I know I can’t change the past and being alive has already happened. If I were to end my life, then I would be just another mistake. We take our chances based on our desires and love, it is something we simply can’t control. Putting one extra person like me in the middle of a crowd made it more uncomfortable, but having a dead guy would make everyone go crazy. You probably don’t understand what I am saying. I am only writing so that later I could come back to the past.
������������ I am not even sure that I feel worse or better after scotch. I am just numb. I ask myself, what would I be doing if I wasn’t drinking. Perhaps asleep by now. But I know I could not sleep. The best sleep I got was after hurling in the bathroom.
������������ There is something missing. I did something wrong. I messed up. I am a mess. I may not see it in myself, but I am a fucking mess. It makes want to cry that things never work out. I see people happy and I am not. They ask me how I am doing and I say I am great. But the balance in that is that I only do good when they ask. Few minutes later I am in my car with running tears.
������������ As if there is not much left to do in my life. I am going to wake up tomorrow and feel different. I still can’t let go. I rather die. And that is where I am heading. Closer to the end.
������������ I am just not noticed, they would not know it. If ignore they can’t see the truth about me.
������������ One of very hard things I deal with is figuring out what is right and wrong. At one point of my life it felt wrong to do but sometimes if feels like there is nothing wrong with it. It mostly bothers me that if someone thinks it’s wrong and judges me for doing it. Maybe this is a lesson I had to learn on my own. I know in the past I have judged people and had to accept their actions. I know I am not perfect but even when everyone told me I was I kept thinking to myself what it was that I was doing wrong. I now know I was doing wrong. Life teaches many important lessons. And I believe it has changed me from within. As long as I keep my head up and follow my heart things will turn out ok. I still feel ashamed of a lot of things I said and done. I hope people can forgive me.
������������� The way I use to feel came from how I was raised. When I began adopting to a new environment I sort of lost control. I was not a very god person and sometimes I think I didn’t deserve all the things I thought I did. I thought of myself as pure, but I was an eggshell. At this moment I actually feel like I used to be very greedy and selfish. A lot of people know me as very generous and that is true because I do love giving. But there was a side that I could not see back then. I am very thankful to the people that I took this out on. Not to forget that I am also very sorry. But it made me become a better man. I have heroes and they are the people that haven’t given up on me.
������������ I put way too much effort in to things that never even get credited. Most of my work has so much value but others can’t see it. No one knows what I have to go through to achieve something. I spend a lot of time not to make it perfect but to make it worth it. I am not a lazy person, and my hard work has a lot of effort in it.
������������ What I am trying to say is that I have done so much for others that they don’t know about. And sometimes I just never get a chance to let them know. I am not trying to look good or anything but there are so many things that never even gone out to the world. I write letters and paint pictures for people that never receive them. But I had not given up yet. It is just very hard to stay focused.
������������ I know that I can be anything, but I also want others to know that about me. It will inspire me and make me happy. All I am right now is a worthless guy who never made it work. As if I don’t deserve anything. I don’t know what else to do. I need help. But If I ask for it, I will lose more than I have now.
Agony:
��������� I am burning up. I have been so energetic taking these vitamins. Running around the house dancing to the music and I am still not tired. I can’t even remember how many times I have jumped over the couch. I am concentrating more and I am not giving in to my emotions so easily. I just know I need some sleep since I go to bed at 5 in the morning.
�������� �� It seems that all my dreams require me to walk across a very narrow path. Last night I saw a dam and I had to cross the river. There was a very narrow tree logs tied together with many chainsaws tied up to them. It may not make much sense but I was getting home after a tire flew off my car and I crashed over the bridge off the freeway. I am always in very dangerous situations but I am not afraid of anything. I am climbing over a river. The logs are shaking and moving from side to side to side. I feel confident in what I am doing and I seem to trust that they won’t break on me.
����������� I am still trying to figure out why am I always in these situations. It’s is not the first time I crashed the car in my dreams and I don’t wake up when it happens. Also it took few hours because I fell asleep at after 6am and woke up before 9. I don’t sleep regularly at all, just time to time when I fall asleep in different places.
������������ �It’s my third day. I haven’t been eating much. My stomach is hurting and I feel so weak. Most of the time I lay on my bed and have hard time lifting my hands. I managed to get to the computer.
������������ This is what happened… My dad asked me to do something for him, but I had so many things to do and told him I couldn’t and that I had to go home. I was actually working and he was the one getting paid for it anyways. He told me I could not take that car. So I called my sister to pick me up from Venice and bring me home. So basically my parents took the cat away from me. They say it’s because I am always helping everyone else and don’t have time for them. Honestly I have been busting my ass the whole time until I knew they were asking too much from me.
������������ My phone has been ringing and voice mails left. I don’t pick up or call back. They won’t let me help anyone. I can’t help anyone without getting places. I tried checking bus schedules and they were too confusing. I have never taken the bus anywhere and they don’t work that late. I began to realize people call me when they need something not when they want to offer me anything. �It’s as if I am waiting for anyone to come pick me up for once since I am the one doing it all the time.
�������������There were so many things I had to do and it makes me feel so bad that I didn’t get a chance to get anything done. Feeling depressed and it has put me very low under the threshold. I know I can call and ask for a ride but I feel worthless like I don’t have much to offer. I look like a mess and everything around me has lost its color. I feel numb and all I did to deserve this was say no.
������������� I hate my life when it become like this. I want to be free. I want to own something that can’t be taken away from me. All this tells me that my parents don’t feel like I deserve anything. I have worked ever since I was a little boy to help them. I wanted them to be proud of me. But I don’t seem to deserve anything in their eyes.
������������� I remember every square inch in this house. I have been here very das since my parents bought the lot. I had to dig, place a slab, plant the grass place the bricks, build walls and roof, install windows and doors, paint and trim, tile, plumbing, electricity, and everything I didn’t mention in between. But I didn’t deserve a place to live in it. I spend hours outside fixing the cars, burning my hands to the hot engine, cutting my wrist to sharp tools while everyone was out at the beach or in the house watching TV. But I didn’t deserve a car. I had put so much time and effort to do my best and everything I had done was for the worst. Everything I do, nothing ever works out.
������������ The closest I have to a father is his brother. I never had a good time with my father. He always calls me stupid and retarded. I never had a father and son time. I don’t even know any of my father’s friends. When he was a child he never wanted to be a part. My uncles tell me he never wanted to hang out with them.�
����������� � I’ve tried to talk to him buy he keeps calling me names. Both of my parents have an odd relation ship. My dad never bought my mom flowers or gifts. He told me to buy her something for her birthday. My dad doesn’t spend time with my mom like a married couple should. He is very stubborn and almost as if he does not have feelings. Lately the most important to him is money. He doesn’t care about his children.
������������ My uncle tried telling my dad. He tried to make him understand that you can’t force his children around like this. He treats everyone like his slaves. And me, growing up like this has done much pain. He becomes violent at times. I have tried my best to keep things under control. Being a brother of two sisters has put more responsibility on me.�It would be too selfish for me to move out with out my sisters. I had taken a lot of blame and took care of them the best I could.
������������ �I live with a stranger who is my biological father. I don’t think he deserved to have children. He never prepares a meal or fixes his bed. He never makes a plan that everyone can agree on.�He can’t do anything right. All he is a guy who goes to work, comes home and yells at me complaining that he pays for my electricity, food, etc. he goes to the beach by himself while I work my ass of at home.
��������� Waking up early in the morning has never felt so good. When everyone is still asleep I am the head of the house. I get some food and coffee ready. There is no one to bother me. I clean my body and get ready slowly. I am not in a rush anywhere. I feel so warm taking my time. I am concentrating. I think about people I care about. My friends, family, and coworkers. They are all here in my heart. I felt so lonely yesterday, but now I feel close to everyone.
��������� Waiting for my iron to heat up. Listening to music. Searching the web. Imagining happy moments. There is so much out there. I wish I could be myself around people. I talk out loud to myself in the car. I sing out loud to the radio. I travel and discover many exciting and interesting objects. If all of us could be a little more careful and understand each other, there would not be miseries. Anything is possible. Our minds make our life real.
������� � It has not been too long, but my life had extremely changed. Ever since I dropped seeing my doctor I have been a different person. I was so careful for my health. I guess I was worried because I was so ill. But I wasn’t going to let anything stop me. I had already believed I would become disabled for the rest of my life. But something changed. I took control and began to concentrate. My mind was so strong to all this pressure. I did everything I could against what the doctors told me to do. I was more comfortable with my body than ever before. Going on roller coasters, �swimming, running. I didn’t take it slow. I was out for adventure. I began to enjoy myself. Drink coffee when I want to with out worrying to have a stroke. I began to smoke and didn’t take my health so cautiously. The best part of this is that I am fine. I don’t feel the pain I used to. I don’t take any pills anymore to help me breath.
��������� Everything happened for a good reason. Being so weak help me discover my mistakes. I realize many flaws about me. I don’t have to that anymore. When I laid in bed and could not move, I wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to live again. I didn’t want to have anyone take care of me till I die. I am a person that wants to take care for myself. There was no one I could trust and count on if I had to have a surgery be dependent on someone for months. That is the reason I didn’t talk about myself.
��������� I want to be brighter. I had been so dull lately. I had already lost my job for being hypnotized. I was not thinking about myself and others. My mind was lost. There is so much I can do.�I saw the sun rise.
����������� Think I can sleep? Nah. I keep getting online every five min. Every time I close my eyes I can feel things happening. Once I don’t want to happen. It hurts. But nothing I can do. I already feel rejected. Like a lost and forgotten golf ball. It’s like “hello” but they ignore me.
������������ My bed, it feels like its missing another pillow or a blanket. But I got enough already. Too much. It’s so hot in my room. I want to go outside or leave somewhere. But I need to get up early. For days I have been covering myself with pillows and blankets. Though out the day I lie with my body pillow and twist from side to side as if my body is in pain. Feel so uncomfortable every where I go.
������������ I want to accept things the way they are. But I know I have already tried hard. And I can’t keep like this forever. I wonder what will happen to me. I am the last sip of coffee.
�������� Not based on hope or giving up. I have strength. To me love is a feeling that is taken differently. Do you give up on someone you love? Or do you keep hoping for something to happen? No! I can’t give it away. I can’t let it go. If I walk away it follows me. All I do is stand behind the wall. I don’t call it hiding because I am here before anyone else. Though I stand. I wait to hear my name. Maybe someone will shout it out. I always come out when they need me. But I keep waiting. I hear everything. And my name is never called. I hear other names. I just stand here. I was standing here before you got here. I was not hiding. Sometimes people don’t bother to look what happens around them. What can be behind the walls. I am standing so close. In silence. No one can hear me. Then I get so tired standing without any encouragement that I drop on my knees. My skin turns blue and there is nothing I can do. If I speak I will only intrude.
��������� �� I have become everything I’ve always hated. I can no longer trust myself. I have no morals, nothing. It does not feel wrong anymore. I am not looking up to anything. I have become a complete dork. I said it was wrong, but now I don’t feel it. You say it is wrong and I can’t understand it.
������������� My head, the thoughts that run through it. I must be possessed. I am full of darkness. I used to think of my self as a spark of light, but I am that black hole inside of it. I don’t hold that same value. I am not the same person.
�������������The best I can do is stay away. From all the little things that I make worse. I don’t want to hurt anyone. And the best way to protect them is to go away. It is me who causes all these problems. I can’t go through. I have to hide. It’s for the best.
������������� If my life depended on it, they would let me go. The most valuable has turned their back on me. I am hanging on the rope. My arms are getting tired. There is no ground below me. I watch them walk away as my tears drop down from my toes. I didn’t choose to be here. I didn’t want to die. I wanted to balance all of our feelings. I wanted to understand them all. It was not acceptable. I was thrown away. Left suffering and hanging over a deadly fire. It is time to let go. My end is their beginning.
�������������� There is no sleep, for days I stay awake. So tired my mind can think. I am lying on my bed, so dizzy. I can't walk straight, keep falling to the ground. I need rest but it's too much effort to fall asleep. I try but�I keep hearing noises. It wakes me up. Some of this noise is not even real, it's in my dream. I difficult time understanding what is real and what is my imagination.
�������������� So much on my mind. I can't let any of this go. Falling asleep is like giving life away. I have to stay awake and I must. As if I am waiting for a very important call. My eyes keep opening I wish I could forget everything. I want so much I can't help being this way. I don't deserve those things I want. And sometimes I think about it. Maybe I am full of darkness. I can't tell if my thoughts are evil or just plain feelings. I never feel as if I am doing it wrong until it is done.
�������������� If this continues I won't make it. I have so much in life but I can't feel the heat. The way I was walking ended, the only way is to walk back. There is nothing else out here. I was so excited to explore the world but�I reached a dead end, for me at least. I walk with you this far but now you must continue your journey with out me. I have reached an edge and only you can walk on air. I am not capable of such power. Go on, don't let me stop you. You have a future, I was meant to stay.
�������������� I want to hear�the sound of my heart beat. When it is about to out beat any rhythm. I get attached like sticky honey on my finders. The soft touch makes me fall in love. Bare skin, butterflies all around me. I loose it. Everything fades away except for my main point of desire. I loose my breath. I cuddle myself to sleep. As if I am cold. The wind seems to blow through the hair on my body. It tickles when I am not wearing any clothes. I reach out my arms and hug myself. Laying down in silence. A million thoughts rush through my mind. Imagination, it is so amazing but in reality it was never like this. There is no need for perfection. When I feel love, I have nothing to argue about.
�������������� I roll from side to side searching for a comfortable spot on my bed, Stretching all directions. This is not all about me, feelings don't work alone. If anyone felt what I feel, there would not be any misunderstanding. And as I hide in dark places to respect the world. I wait, for long. For the time that never comes. Something comes in my way. Pushes me back in line. I want to make things work. Fix all the problems. It can be done.
������������� Everything is going too well and I have no one to talk about it. So I write and I write some more. The whole day things could not get any better. I got clients I got deals and every one is happy. I got calls for jobs. I get promotions and offers. I met some one interesting. I’ve talked to old friends from high school. Everything is going great. It doesn’t get any better if nothing is going wrong.
��������������Maybe I spoke too soon. So I will say it like this… I smile all day because I don’t want to be weak. I look happy this way. But the truth is… I go out side and sit on the side walk. Under the moonlight where no one can see me. I look up to the sky for a star. There are many but I only want to see one. I reach in my pocket for a lighter and I began to take those puffs crying. Makes me want to puke. I say to my self “I don’t want any of this”. My life is filled with so much luck, but my heart is so empty. I see so many possibilities. I can become almost anything. But having a lot does not mean having enough or what is needed.
��������������I find it so easy to pull the trigger. I find it so easy to look for a tall bridge or a cliff. I am overwhelmed with these feelings trying to feel secure. I am in the wrong place. There has to be something else. There has to be another way or else I only have one way to set everything quiet in my head. I can be a leader of a crowd, but I feel like nothing. It doesn’t mean so much to me. I feel unwanted. I feel under every one. At the back, and far from being noticed. They see me but can’t read me.
��������������I don’t know what happened. I try so hard but it’s not enough or it’s not right. It’s far too complicated. I was almost happy. But something broke. My heart. I shall sit and wait for sunrise.
��������������There is happiness and it’s so close. Standing next to me, waiting for me to reach out. No more sorrow. I must go for it. Because I know it was real. They were not lies. A word with meanings. That feeling must still be there and I won’t let it slip by like it did over and over again. Stop and hold a hand. And feel it, it is there.
��������������All I want to say right now is that I can try harder. I made promises that I am bound to keep. I have to keep telling myself that there is a chance for me. All the things I want to be. Put the right mind to it and work it out when I am not in the mood. Because the truth is “I can’t live without”.
�����������������A thought in my mind. I can’t change this feeling. It’ feels so good. I want it to last. Have I done anything wrong? What does it take for me to get what I want? Do I still have a value? Am I being judged by my feelings? I’ve done well so far. I kept it all to myself.
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