Luby

 
    
22
Oct 2008
6:59 PM EST
   

not happy

������������ I have been avoiding the internet a lot lately. I needed someone to talk to and all I have is writing journals and expect a random person in the world to read it.

������������ I turned 19 over a month ago and I don’t feel any different. I forget that I am not 18 anymore. I guess maybe that is because I didn’t have any celebration. I remember waking up in the morning for a drink. I remember hiding in my room, avoiding phone calls and doorbells. Both of my parents were at work and my sisters at work or school. I was trying to keep myself from going nuts. It was probably the worst day of the year. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I spent drinking till midnight hoping to get noticed.

������������ I think most of my problems come from my childhood. I remember hiding under the kitchen table when my father came from work. I seriously thought he was a stranger. I remember looking out the window watching kids play while my mother kept me locked up at home. I cry when I realize I never had a chance to be a kid. I was always an adult who had to think for myself and for others. I wish to know what it feels like being cared for.

������������ I didn’t have the love that parents could give to their children. I never wanted to hug or kiss my parents. I remember once I kissed my mom when she brought food home, but I was on drugs and got very hungry. I wanted to see a physiatrist just to have someone I could talk to. That part I was always missing in my life.

������������ All my parents care for is money. Every day I come home I have so much tension on me. I hear them tell me all the things I should have done today, and at the end of conversation I am the bad guy. I separate myself from family a lot. I tell them I have plans with my friends, but instead I go anywhere to be alone. I can walk in to a bar for a drink and sit alone in the corner. I don’t talk unless I say give me a check. I sit on a bench outside smoking a cigarette.�I got for a walk or look at the stars at night. I always think if maybe someone is looking at them with me.

������������ I am not really the guy people like to be around with. I feel as if I am cursed. I don’t make anyone feel better so I try not to communicate much. I want to escape from everything. Not exactly looking towards a new life I want to be gone. I don’t want to be where I am. I don’t like being alone all the time, but its best this way. I can’t be making more mistakes. I give people a favor when I leave.

����������� I know I need help but no one to ask from. I know I need to talk about things that are bothering me but no one around I can trust. I am not a very good person. I do things that make me a queer. I don’t have anyone I can relate to.�Everyone always leaves me. I feel like the only reason I am still alive is because I can poison my mind long enough for tomorrow. And then everything starts over again.

������������ I hate my life. I have so many opportunities but I don’t have the strength to take my chances. I was looking for a job and applied at few places. It has been over a month and no calls. I gave up looking. I can survive without a job anyways. I am not ready to go to work. If only I could pull myself together, but I only drip blood.

������������ This is my life. These are my miseries. It will always be this way. I am the guy who walks into a bar for a drink. Always comes alone, it is almost pointless. When I die I don’t need to be remembered like this. I will be forgotten very fast as I am forgotten alive.
Tags: not happy
1 comment(s) - 05:45 PM - 05/07/2010
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lyubomirb's Profile

  • Username: lyubomirb
  • Gender / Age: Male, 35
  • Location: USA - Florida
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    LYUBOMIRB's Interests:

    About Me: I'm 5'10, 21 years old.

    Interests: I like to go on adventures and meet new people. My best experience is at the airports, I tend to fall deep in emotions and that causes problems.

    Favorite Music: I listen to soft, hard, alternative and many other types of rock.

    Favorite Movies: I like movies with romantic endings. Action adventure and in many cases horror. I enjoy explicit content but I don't like disrespectful scenes.

    Favorite Television: I am not very much into drama shows. Perhaps I like Supernatural

    Favorite Books: I was always into mysteries and I like to read sweet words, possibly about relationships and love.