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        GoodEnough  56, Female, Arizona, USA - 2 entries
    05
    Jul 2013
    6:43 AM MST
       

    4th of July awakening :(

    177I told myself that without a committed relationship I would maintain my distance from Shawn, I have grown tired of being involved in a 'Friend With Benefits' arrangement.� I have told myself this over and over since March, it is now July and still it continues.

    Last night he invited me to use the pool.� I knew deep down that it wasn't so much as the invite to use the pool as much as it was his need to have sex, and still, I found my way over there.

    During a conversation with his daughter in the kitchen, she had mentioned how he had become so intoxicated during a trip they took out of state that he continuously called out for his ex-wife, it was then that I think I hit rock bottom, the rug was pulled out from under me and my heart sank like a rock thrown in a pool.

    What am I doing?� Why am I allowing myself to be held responsible for the pain she caused him?� I am not her and I deserve more.

    Last night was our last night together, I can't continue this arrangement we have knowing that it will never amount to more that just an occasional lay for him.� For me, it has much more emotional value then that.

    Goodbye Shawn, I wish you luck.
    Tags: denial, future, hurt, pain, past, relationship, Shawn
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        aGiftFromAbov  39, Female, Virginia, USA - 25 entries
    15
    Mar 2009
    1:58 PM EDT
       

    Reality Check..

    Well i guess its been awhile since ive updated this thing..

    Ive learned alot in the past year..

    dont get into a relationship with a man who keeps downgrading your wants and needs..

    Dont settle.. absolutely no damn settling.

    My current relationship is as rocky as mount rushmore.. yet i keep trying and he continues not to try...

    he even thinks i dont kno what kinda bullshit hes been up to lately online.. i keep seein this damn craigslist thread for encounters on his screen... for the past 3 weeks and i asked him about it and hes like,.. im laughing at these ppl who are lookin for ppl online.. motherfucker dont play me.. you dont log in that damn often every damn day to look at ppl.. fuck that..

    so.. ive been looking for places with and without him..

    i have needs wants and desires too.. and right now none of them are being met..

    he keeps handing out ultimatums.. ill have one soon.. and it will be final

    mesha is moving to the beach this summer.. imma love it.

    with or without him.. yes i prefer with.. but i can do bad by my got dammed self.

    Im tired of the shit.. the constant his way or the highway..

    Ive done it by myself.. and was happy..

    im doing it with him and all i am.. is angry.. sad or distraught.

    He dosent even seem to care that he just picks little petty ass arguements..

    maybe hes just trying to be a dick.. so that i can leave him.. so he wont feel bad..

    maybe...

    maybe i will..

    We went a month and a half without sex..

    i havent had any oral since.. he got back from annual training last year!

    nevertheless..

    i still stay..

    when he isnt.. and has not forfilled any part of this relationship in a long time.

    Promises of a better tomorrow never to come..

    hopes of a future that dosent exist..

    imma grow up.. get out.. and get married and have somebodys kids..

    at least they will actually want those things with me..

    i mean he dosent even want those things..

    not even for me.. with me.. nothing..

    the only future he can promise me.. and has promised me was him in a casket and me a fat check when its all said and done..

    fuck the money.. i can only live once..

    in life youhave one shot to give it your all.. and im not going to miss out because he wants to be everyones hero besides mine.

    Tags: future, hopes, pissed, police, rocky, sad, tears
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