When someone let's you down, it's the worst feeling on earth.
When you're reminded of it, that's just like dying.
Why? ..Most of us want to know why that person did such a thing to us. Simple. Out of sight is truly out of mind. The easiest thing for a person that's embaressed or ashamed, or one that has a very low self-esteem is to exit. "Escapism". So they turn their back on the mess they made, and just walk away.
Where's Karma? Where's the Universal Law? Where's the Law and the Prophets? I guess I'll never know.
There's a lot I'll never know. It's not like you get to sit back and watch the movie. You kind of have to deal with it as it happens... to you.
Hello Reader! It's been a while since I've wrote anything, but I guess I'll try this again. I'm not much of a blogger, and I usually don't have much to say so we'll see how it goes.
In the past few days of analyizing and the viewing of numerous sappy, cheesey love stories, I've realized that I just don't believe in love. You're probably thinking I'm crazy, but I'm not. Over my years, I've come up with nothing and all I hear is, "You'll find it when you lease expect it," "Hang in there, it will happen to you." I finally got tired of hearing it so I stopped talking about it. What I don't understand is why believe in something that only hurts you the most. I've started my 5th year in college and last real semester as a student,�and I think that I can handle anything from death to living on my own and supporting myself. But what throws me is this whole idea of love. It's all around me, driving me insane!! Why believe in such a bogus idea that some idiot made up because he just couldn't describe something.
Don't get me wrong here, I believe people can love many things like movies, animals, etc. What I'm talking about is this love you see between people. I don't get it. I'll admit that I've experienced what I think is love, but, as always, I got burned for the millionth time. That's why I stopped believing...
I was lost, I had given up, I thought I would always be a mess. Everything was messed up, at 15yrs. old everything meant: school - I was cutting classes and failing, friends - the wilder the better, me - fat, ugly and sluttie, my Mom - an angry, bitter, drunk, my Dad - remarried, too busy to care, too stupid to help, stepMom - too young.
I didn't get there over night, there had to be signs that I was headed that way but no one noticed or certainly if they did no one stopped me.
I did alot of crazy things, and as I think of it now I wonder how I made it safely through that time. One thing that sticks with me as a really stupid decision is the day I let my "friend" rob my father's house as a way to cover up a party that sort of just happened there that day after school.
As I write this I feel really uncomfortable, anxious, choked up, and I don't want to keep going. I've never journaled about this. I don't know how to keep it going.�Maybe I'll just leave it here for now...
30年前的一张老照片
�
2008真是悲喜交加的一年, 雪灾, 地震, 奥运, 国际金融危机后, 将要到来的金秋十月, 终于有一件事让我十分的期待. 北医同学信守当年分手时的承诺, ‘再过30年, 北京再相会.’ 我们计划10月6号团聚在北京.
30年过去了, 卫78团聚组委会主席老杨写了一轮又一轮煽情的告示. 弄得世界各个角落的老同学的心都随着他的词汇跳动. 昨天收到一伙同学在纽约的一张中秋合影, 还真让我开心得有点失眠.
老杨说了, 要征集老照片. 我翻出30年前我们宿舍的第一张合影, 5个相识不久的小姑娘手拉着手站在颐和园的船上, 这是一张很珍贵的彩色照片, 它记录了我们的童真岁月和青春梦想. 因为当时国内还不流行彩照, 在石舫附近我们遇见的一对富态的香港夫妇以为我们是一群护校的学生, 主动跟我们聊天, 高兴之余为我们留下了这张历史性的留影, 并答应过几天就把照片寄给我们. 这30年里, 这张照片跟我周游列国, 每当看到它, 我的记忆就回到30年前.
照片上5姐妹, 青春洋溢, 豆蔻年华. 春华和林红梳着纯洁的娃娃头, 沈华, 冀梅和我都梳着可爱的小短辫子. 我和春华穿的是当时中学生流行的格子上衣, 冀梅, 沈华和林红穿着70年代的标志性灰色和蓝色的女式制服. 林红和沈华脖子上还系着粉红色的纱巾. 阳光映照着我们踌躇满志的眼神, 湖水激荡着我们5颗年轻的心.
在狭窄的宿舍空间里我们共同生活了4年, 我吃力地在记忆里搜寻, 还真不记得我们吵过架, 记得有一次, 我打篮球累了以后, 夜里磨牙很厉害, 虽然不是故意的, 害得室友们睡不好. 那时候考试是有压力的, 但她们还是心疼我这外地来的老幺, 从不大声地责怪我. 心存内疚的我, 早上忙不迭跑去给她们买馒头和鸡蛋. 春华有辆破旧的自行车, 为节省时间, 我经常是坐她的 ‘二等’ 上课. 冀梅喜欢唱歌, 最迷李谷一. 林红不大, 但总是我们屋的大姐, 所以总得谦让, 说话轻轻的.�
30年弹指一挥间, 我们完成了从女孩到女人的蜕变. 现在, 大姐林红, 固守五环旗飘扬的北京, 老二冀梅, 在美丽的天津供职. 老三春华, 定居星条国美利坚, 老四沈华, 定居枫叶国加拿大, 老五我, 辗转英国, 香港和新加坡工作生活15年后, 在两年前双脚踏上了上海滩.
岁月如梭, 风云变幻, 没有变的是我们对青春美丽的回忆.
乐肥的假期
� 上个周末, 乐肥第一次体验在朋友家留宿, 换了另一个家, 乐肥表示不理解, 绝食一天, 第二天的下午, 饥肠辘辘的乐肥不得不为两把猫粮折腰, 它懂得留得青山在的道理, 它没忘记自己曾是一个社交高手, 在新形势下它很快调整了自己的生存策略, 为讨好女主人, 从 ‘蹭裤脚功’ , ‘贴身紧跟法’ 到 ‘倒地撒娇功’ 该用的招它都用上了, 它连喵喵声都变得更加温柔了, 在短短一两天内它就跟朋友家的大人孩子混熟了. 其适应环境的技巧驾轻就熟, 调整心态的能力炉火纯青. 我为它的卓越表现骄傲和自豪.
�� 雷曼兄弟倒闭引致全球性的金融危机, 给很多高级白领未来的生活带来了很大的不确定性. 我奉劝兄弟姐妹们都应该学我家乐肥的这两招, 了解自己的长处, 调整好心态, 留得青山在, 不怕没柴烧.
So i've signed up for another journal/blog/diary thing. I could've used my old account in livejournal but i feel that it's time for something new. Welcome to inboxjournal.. lol.
Right now, i'm looking for employment again. It frustrates me now how I can't seem to stay in any job. Ever since I've moved to toronto about 4 months ago, i've worked these stupid jobs such as telemarketing, telephone surveying (at 3 different places), customer service at a photograhy establishment, and inbound call centre. since i'm such a picky little twit, none of these jobs ever worked out for me because i'm always finding something wrong with every job. what the hell can i do now?? i'm not getting any luck so far. I'm still waiting to really find the perfect job.
I've been staying up really late recently. i shouldn't keep doing this. Must... get... back... to............. normal.
Welcome back!� I wish I felt better, but really, I don't.� So lets just get into it straight away shall we?
9:30 - Immediate start on LDAP troubleshooting.� How long have we been doing this?
I have windows up into mandrake, goblin, atlas, poseidon, dionysus, eros, demeter, and hestia.� We're cranking logging up to the tits and getting ready to sniff all traffic as we blast users through.�
It looks like the LDAP server isn't returning the request properly.
Bridge line is open. 09:45
%%%% Telstar rebuild is on hold.
%%% Red Hat 5.2 image is DONE!
1:55 - The ldap testing is finished and Hoops is going to analyze the data.
- Took my bicycle out for a spin to Fry's at lunch.� Picked up a few things I wanted (salad, soup, and some soda) and rode back.� Took about 45 minutes round trip, then a shower afterward.
- Starting on the Telstar satellite replacement now.� Will probably be on this the rest of the day.
It is important for me to find out who I am and how I have become that person. I know that I have had some major life experiences that went very badly. They have and continue to effect every aspect of my life. I have found that I can not change the past and I can't decide on the future. The only things that I can work on and mold and create is the now. I want to find people that have interests similar to mine and work on these things together. I want to learn to put aside all influences from my past, from the people who have molded me into the person I am, and people around me. I want to figure out how much of the time I spend doing things is wasted time because of habit and influence or time spent on things I have chosen. I want to keep the positive but along with the positive I have had a lot of negative. I want to know how much I have gained from these experiences.so for now, I don't want any influence on my life. I want to be the one making the choices from now on.
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