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uns3ttl3d 38, Female, New York, USA - 57 entries

Mar 2007
7:34 AM EDT

i dont know what it is with me but i feel alone and scared. my parents are giving me a hard time for not wanting to go to join a gym or something. i havent even been home for 24 hours and theyre already giving me so much shit. i cant tkake it and my head feels like it wants to explode. i spent most of this morning having coffee and cigarettes outsie in the subzero temperature because i wanted to numb myself- literally -from thinking and worrying and now all this thinkin and worrying is getting to me. so i eventually came back and huddled my stuffed animal by the corner of the wall looking at an art book staring at a picture of monterey bay. i felt like i was going to pass out. i havent eaten yet today and i dont really feel like eating anything. im too emotionally stressed out. its just so hard for me to get up and do things and when people force me to just do it i feel like i want to kill myself. i just need help and i need it now. and help isnt coming. i think i should ask my parents for the psychologists number but then again they probably wont give it to me because they, as it has been for the past several years, want me to try other alternatives to helping myself. obviously exercise alone isnt going to get rid of my problems. along with acupuncture. along with herb medicine. along with church. along with books i cant even finish. along with trying new things. going new places. my inner devil will always catch up with me wherever i go and i am simply sick of it. what good has self medication done me so far?? i'm halfway in the process of getting lung cancer, i pushed away all the friends i ever had, i cant wake up in the morning without wanting to scream and cry. i've become so self centered that i cant even help those around me who need it (my brother who is now gone), i quit school because i couldnt think straight or function, i have dug myself so deep down this hole and i cant get myself to let alone even stand up or try to get a shovel to dig myself out just with exercise. why are they so blind? why dont they understand me? they dont. not to the least bit. and i am alone. alone in this world. alone in my thoughts. the mind can be a lonely place. i can feel the sting in my eyes because if i dont sit down and write/type it out i cant think in cohesive phrases. i will just get lot and frustrated even more than i already am and its just hell all over again. i cant take it. i cant take it. i cant take it. my head feels like it wants to explode. i am drowning in a pool of hopelessness and nobody around me knows how to swim. they all just sit on the sidelines and see me frolic and flail just as i have for the past 6 years and do absolutely nothing about it. some try, and they end up giving up because i am hopeless. i cant even stand up most of the time, how can thye expect me to walk? or let alone even run? the world i live in is a fast faced pace and everything is a fucking race. a fucking marathon. and i am a cripple (im speaking metaphorically but you get my point...or do you???) i am just tripping and falling and i cant get up. i need help. and my parents aren't a nurturing environment for the problems that i have. i dont even understand most of why i am the way i am. maybe i should just shut up and deal and get by day to day without thinking. thats what i did for the first half of last semester. but the inner devil caught up with me. it made me do stupid things. it made my suppressed bad thoughts 10 million times louder and now i can't tell whats real and whats not. i mean this emotionally and mentally. i can still decipher the real world, im not crazy just yet, but i get so lost in my own thoughts and i cant run away from me because i will always catch up. maybe im just insecure. maybe im just a loser. mayube im just a failure. maybe i dont deserve anything in this world. maybe i should just shut up. but i cant. the only way i can get myself to shut up is if i kill myself but that would be a last resort. i am so stupid. nothing in my life ive done is worth honoring. ive made some terrible mistakes and i never cease to embarass myself when i try to fit in or open up to others. i am thoroughly ashamed of my existence. and i am not worthy of being worried about by others...which i am not.. only my parents care about me and they dont know how to help me. i dont really have any real friends. only the people that i left behind in my old hometown and back at college that i cease to keep contact with anymore. why? because there is nothing to talk about. i am a boring person. i cease to bring forth anything to the table. i wish to change myself but i somehow cant because i lack the will and incentive. perhaps i do ahve incentive but i dont know who i am anymore if i ever did in the first place and lots of what i say or think or do repeats itself and gets worse every time i do it. god. i cant take it. i just want to be happy and have a normal worry free life. i know this isnt achieveable because life istn easy and i am too weak to do anything right...or do anything at all. so i will just sit here and rant on the computer to no one but myself and it really isnt doing much.

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1 comment(s) - 04:52 PM - 05/10/2008

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sweetcakes100 51, Female, California, USA - 26 entries

Mar 2007
7:10 AM EDT

Hello everyone, I would like to know why the court system is only giving me 4hours of visitation rights? I am a victim of domestic violence and not the batter. I feel really upset with the system and they are only giving me 4hours of seeing my own children I think that the system is wrong. What do you think?

Tags: domestic abuse, drug abuse, family court system, parenting

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1 comment(s) - 11:18 AM - 12/28/2010

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uns3ttl3d 38, Female, New York, USA - 57 entries

Mar 2007
5:15 AM EDT

so my mother is giving me the silent treatment because i refused to go to jazzercize this morning. im sorry, but i hate jazzercize and the thought of having to work out makes me shudder. its in a bright purple room with bright pink flowers hanging from the ceiling as we bust it to the latest shit you would hear on MTV. not the place for me..at all.

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smb 50, Female, Wyoming, USA - 129 entries

Mar 2007
1:29 PM MST

Today was CN's wrestling match! He only had to wrestle 2 guys and won both, therefore winning his class and a cheesy trophy! He's amazing! Powerlifting, wrestling, MR Stong Man, amazing lover! WOW, I gotta keep telling myself how blessed I am to have found him! The boys thought the wrestling was cool and J really wants to do it~ THen we took the boys to a parking lot and let them ride their bikes. They are getting pretty good but kind of don't know how to brake and steer and petal all at the same time and when they need to. J ran into my car. We got to see my mom! We got a babysitter and CN and I went out to dinner (Roma's in Spearfish). Romantic but very rich food! Too rich for me!~ Had another great weekend. Still CN and I are getting along pretty good. I am sharing more feelings with him and starting to try to "let go"

Even though I still miss Donnie it seems like less and less! Somedays I am starting to get mad at him again! I thought I was over that part of the grief process but I guess not!

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Cinderella 32, Female, United Kingdom - 5 entries

Mar 2007
9:02 PM WEDT

Dear Journal, I'm sat here in my recliner seat writing this with my mp3 player on full blast. Why? Because my Dad's a rugby addict and it's England vs. Wales. I just need someone to talk to. I mean, schoolsucks, no one notices me at home and me and my best friend are fighting. I mean, what am I supposed to do. It's as if I do one mistake and the whole world turns against me. Is there anyone out there who loves me for me...and not because they feel sorry for me? The only place I feel I can be myself is when I'm singing, writing, or playing sports. I know I'm not good at any of them but...I enjoy them. What do I have to do in this world to get noticed? It's a place of lyers, cheaters and jerks. When does anyone tell the truth? Anyway...any guys out there from england, message me.

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Cinderella 32, Female, United Kingdom - 5 entries

Mar 2007
6:54 PM WEDT

Hi. I'm Rachel. I'm a teenager and I'm kind of a writer. I mostly write poetry but i don't think I'm that good at it. My favourite subject is English and just for the record...I'm not exactly popular. In my following entries, I will be writing my thoughts and feelings. I'm not one of those girls who write down what happens everyday because in my opinion, it's a waste of ink AND paper. Anyway...I have a poem that NEEDS to be written before I forget it. Cya later.

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1 comment(s) - 03:32 PM - 04/17/2007

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Ashli 34, Female, California, USA - 24 entries

Mar 2007
11:17 PM EDT

So tonite i performed in front of tons and tons of people!!! i was so so so nervous that i was shaking the entire time!!! i sang "theme from mahogany" or "do you know where youre going to?" by diana ross...its a really pretty song and i really like it and i plan to post up a video somehow with my singing so if you like it then when i post it then please tell me... :)

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christysmith 38, Female, Virginia, USA - 17 entries

Mar 2007
9:34 AM EDT

Due to the fact of my new location i will be slow on posting any entrys. Sorry for the inconvenience....

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sexiicupcake 35, Female, Ohio, USA - 25 entries

Mar 2007
8:59 AM EDT

heyy everyone ok soo im just sittin in study hall and im very bored soo I thought that maybe I would write again.. Doesnt that sound nice.. Ok so I feel like shyt.. My nose is stuffy and I cant breathe and I still have 2 periods before the day is over.. Ok soo that kid Dave I was talking about.. the old friend..well he called.. And he said he wants to hangout this weekend and since Im not seeing Roger this weekend Im gunna hangout with him.. But honestly I know that I wont do anything wrong because I like my roger boo boo to much to ever do anything to hurt him.. Plus me and david are just friends nuthin more.. But yea i would never cheat on Roger because I know how it feels and when you like someone that much you arent sposed to do anything to hurt them.. And I deffinantly like him a lot.. Honestly is it pathetic that I like hiim tunns.. Do U think its a bad thing that I may be falling in love with him.. Do U think Im too young to be fallin in love for the second time in my life.. Cause at times I think Im too young and honestly I would rather not fall in love with Roger rite yet because he has never been in love before and told me that he doesnt know when he will no that he is in love with me because he doesnt know what it feels like.. I told him he'll know that if I found out that I did that he will be able to too..well im gunna go cause I dont feel good and the librarian just yelled at me soo tell me what you think and i will write again later..

xoxo,

judi

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nitemistress 67, Female, Canada - 10 entries

Mar 2007
6:14 AM EST

Todays Horoscope: This could be a momentous day for someone in your life. An important relationship could be at a turning point, one that signals permanence and stability. Welcome a chance to mingle.
While I don't follow horoscopes in the sense that they guide my life or how I face a day, I do find a great many of them having something within them that could well be written after a day is done. So much seems to be bang on or darn close. Add to it my extra ability and sense and it makes for interesting times.
With this in mind I've decided to keep track of certain ones that seem to share the same 'thoughts' as my extra sense, ones where even before reading them I've felt that something is stirring.
Enemies?? There is no reason I should have them. Friends?? Far too mixed and complex the emotions that go with the 2 I have. Well, maybe 3 and I see ONE only when it's right for them. The other 2 I haven't seen in...well, one it's been maybe 2 almost 3 years, the other almost a year. The one I DO get to see if I'm lucky MAYBE a couple of times a month. I wait for my scraps while being the best friend anyone could want but in reality I'm everybody's best kept dirty little secret. The friend that no one knows exists, no one admits to knowing, the one that just is, that is always there when needed. Like some favourite toy that gets brought out when nothing and no one else is available or around.
How does one have enemies with friends like this??

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