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Lost 39, Female, Washington, USA - 76 entries

Mar 2007
10:42 PM EDT

so i got the stomach flu and i'm really getting deployed and my family meaning my grandma for one is worried about me she called me today i need to write her more i just haven't really had time but i guess you should know that i haven't really had the time to wirte you either but its all good what eber i'll write her i just have so much on my mind

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jaymme68 57, Female, Mississippi, USA - First entry!

Apr 2007
8:19 AM CST

4-1-07 - I've been deperessed all day. Watching Father of the Bride made me realize how much of my life I would change if I could go back. I miss my Daddy so much. I would have had a real wedding, I would have left all the idiots I got involved with alone, I would have gotten my children out of Montgomery, AL sooner and I would have never let my daughter quit school. I re-married their father again for the third time after 14 years, and my life has gone back to the way it was years ago, I'm dealing with his drug addiction once again, I was free of it, and I believed his hopeless promises and took him back again. this is another thing I would change if I could. Now I'm stuck. We live in a house that is way too expensive, there is nothin here to rent that is affordable, the only positive thing is that I am finally going back to nursing school. that is the one thing I can still thrive for. Now that I am 38 I can see that this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. My adoptive parents families don't have anything to do with my now that they know that I know I was adoped and my biological parents families have little to do with me, so it's just me, Shana, Dylan and bobby and my Mama that raised me, which by the way IS my Mama as far as I am concerned. I feel lost without any family ties and it's unfair. I think that's why I have always clinged to Bobby because even though he does what he does I know he really loves me. He can't help how he was raised and its like he is brainwashed. But I'm afraid he will never ever stop doing drugs, taking pills, and I can't live my life like that. I'm going to turn my attention to school and I know when I get out that if he is still doin his thing I can afford to do whatever I want. I could kick my own ass for believing he would actually see things the right way, hell that's all he knows. I'm tired of struggling, we never have enough money, my son, poor thing, I never thought a person could love someone as much as I love him. If I could take him away from this environment right now I would today, I had him out and damnit if I didn't bring him back in it by giving bobby the benefit of the doubt. I should have known better. Poor Shana, he has hurt her more than anybody probably. that makes me hate him. He's never in his right mind anymore, stupidm methodome and Zanax. I hate pillsand I hate drugs!!!!!!!! I wish I could take both my kids out of here I would. Anyway I guess that is enough for today. Until tomorrow.

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2 comment(s) - 09:14 AM - 04/12/2007

Lost 39, Female, Washington, USA - 76 entries

Apr 2007
9:40 AM EDT

hmmm not much to say now still thinking about deploying but in a new level it has brought me to a whole new cleartiy on my art work i'll try and post a picture of it when i'm done but then again my art is now mostly pain so probly not crazy how that works i'm only good in my art work when i'm a trouchered artist said i know but it works

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wickedlvr10 33, Female, Mississippi, USA - 10 entries

Apr 2007
9:29 AM EDT

I am really glad i found this site! It helps...I think I already made a few friends off of here. With everything going on around here I think I needed this journal and some new friends i can talk to...

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4 comment(s) - 06:35 PM - 08/18/2009

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charliemay 31, Female, United Kingdom - 32 entries

Apr 2007
12:06 AM EET

so,i am going to wales to climb snowdon(big mountain)with my dad.fun,fun,fun eh.mmm.we are leaving on wednesday at 6 IN THE MORNING!!!!!oh my,not sure il be able to get up that early.the only good that i get out of this is that maybe,just maybe il get rid of that flab on my legs.oh yeah and i got some new clothes and shoes into the bargain.sooooooooooo,to the interesting stuff.um,well i spent the night at tobys on wednesday night,with markiss,bex and ben.yeah and me an tobz were lying next to each other and we were talking and im not sure how exactly it happened but we started holdin hands and he leaned in to kiss me but i didnt know that that ws wat he was doin and i didnt do anything.i only found out from bex after that that was wat he was tryin to do.which is realy weird cos we are broken up but i still fancy him.confusing or wat.

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AcousticWinter 34, Female, Arizona, USA - 23 entries

Mar 2007
5:59 PM EDT

I really hate bringing things up or doing things that conjure up long, forgotten memories. For some reason, that's all I've been doing today. I've been thinking about happier times, better days... remembering what it was like to really live. I never realized how much I missed him... it. Being in a place that I loved with people that I- was friends with. Yeah... I've got friends here but it's not the same. I feel like I'm trapped here... like I'm trapped inside with all these people. I love these people but I don't want to be here with them. I don't understand. It's just one of those days that you really realize... you're family isn't a family anymore. Your friends aren't friends anymore......... you aren't you anymore. Who am I? I can't figure myself out sometimes. Where am I? Where do I want to be? I'm thinking too far into this. My mother's in California, brother's in Tucson, half of my family is in Northern Cali and the other half is all the way in Michigan. And here I am... Hell. I never see any of them... except my aunt and uncle who live out here... and my grandparents. I've got one sister in Missouri and another in Arkansas. I've got friends scattered around the country and I'm still here. It's almost like I'm homesick. Sick of being home. Maybe it's just because I'm used to having friends who would never let me down in any way, shape, or form. Or maybe I'm used to living somewhere where I can or do have someone who I can get close to. I don't have that here... I've lived here for nearly eight years and I don't have that... anymore. Or maybe I do have that. Maybe I'm just afraid of actually opening up to anyone. Have I really been hurt that much? I find that hard to believe. The only person who has hurt me too much is....... myself. I'm the only person stopping myself from being happy or opening up... or making friends. Why is it so fucking difficult to live right now? I can't even begin to describe what's going on in my head or measure how often I try to block it out. These thoughts keep racing and it's causing a mixture of depression and anger. I don't know what to think. I say something I don't mean. I do something I don't want to do. Better yet, I hold back and don't say what I want or do what I want to do. I'm ruining myself and all I can do is sit back and watch it happen. Everyone talks about those forks in the road. You take the right path and this could happen but you take the left path, and something else happens. I wandered off that road a long time ago. The road forked and I kept walking straight. I walked right between the two roads and made a path of my own. That's probably the worse decision I've ever made. Now, I'm cornered on the third story of a building aflame. There are no doors and no windows. No way in. No way out. Even worse, I started this fire. It only takes a spark.........

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madhousewife 69, Female, Michigan, USA - 48 entries

Mar 2007
5:20 PM EDT

I have been feeling a little down. It could be the extra hours I have been working the last week, and I am just so tired. I start missing my Dad and my dog, Oscar.

Dad dropped dead of a heart attack Sept 93. Aside from just being a super father, he was such a nice man. My dad taught me stuff just like he would have a son. I learned to drive a tractor, hammer a nail, fish, run a boat, ect. He always took me with him to run errands, and was fun to be with. I cry a lot even after all these years. I miss him so much and he's a daily thought.

Oscar had to be put to sleep Aug 06. He is also a daily thought. He was my puppy, even at his older age. It broke my heart to end his life, but the sad look, and loss of happiness in his life let me know it was time. To put it off would have been selfish.

I have been watching the ads, for a mutt puppy to give a home to. I'll probly try the humain society. It is so hard to understand all the unwanted pets out there. Everyone wants the "puppy", but the puppy stage is over so fast.

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leahstephens01 32, Female, United Kingdom - 10 entries

Mar 2007
9:55 AM BST

Hiia diary x

I love danny and i dont care who knows i hope im the only one who loveshim but he is soo dreamy evry one will like him .. Well i need to go and dream about danny promise ill write soon ..leah x

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Ashfone3 32, Female, Colorado, USA - 38 entries

Mar 2007
1:35 PM MST

Yester i seen the most exes ive ever seen at one time in the same spot...i swear i don't know if i will ever go to mall ever again.... and i decided there will be no more shit taking....lol that probably sounds stupid but yeah its so the truth....my best friend yesterday was a being a bitch so i wasn't takin it and i left...then she got all pissy....i came home and got dogged by my mom.....wow she just makes everything better huh.....and im newly in love with elvis and any oldies....maybe its a faze....cuz idk what brought this on....seriously....even though thats all i listen to now and everything yeah....lol gettin late.....goodnight!

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bl69 33, Female, Texas, USA - 32 entries

Mar 2007
2:12 PM CDT

I love weekends! They are great. Well last night wasnt tooo fun but its way better than school or staying at home. The important thing is I got to hang out with alot of my really cool friends that I dont mind at all. And I dont know what we are doing tonight..I know michelle and adrian are going to the movies together and I didnt wanna go because I want them to get to know each other! hah. but we will be at my stepsisters bbq drinking before she goes and I am going to stay there then I dont even know what we are going to do. I'm wayyy behind on my sleep. So I wouldnt mind just going home and drinking there and passing out hah. I dont know though. But i was a good girl last night. Some dude from Brazil was trying to hook up with me and I let him know that I wasnt into him. I just wanted to chill that night. You could tell because I went out in sweat pants and a sweatshirt so I didnt give a fuck. and thats what is great about these friends..is no one cares! i love it.

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