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Somehow I made it through that last day before spring break. Gosh, am I glad it's over. I almost cannot believe I made it through. How quickly I threw that over my back in relief - so fast I barely remember why I was stressed out in the first place. But the lack of memory really just indicates how much Ijust want to put it behind me.

Finally, it's spring break. Relief. Pure, sweet bliss. A week of nothing.
A week had seemed like so much! No homework! No School! No major freaking deadlines! YES!

Until I start thinking. And sometimes I wish I didn't...but I have to deal with this sort of stuff sometime right? It didn't actually seem like too much at first. Just bio lab, Germany questions, maybe review? Ohh yeah, no biggie, I can handle this stuff.

Then I remembered, chinese test - okay, that's fine. Math...I needed to review math badly, and that includes the IB portion. Oh wait, I really oughta review Chem 35 while I'm at it don't I? Cripes! Wasn't I also missing a section in my Unification of Germany notes? Don't forget reading the new English novel as well as that in class written assignment on the chronicle when we get back! ...And were there bio worksheets too? Oh! Full cast rehersal on Thursday, and possibly Sunday! That means I'll have to figure out how to die dramatically by then. We're also going to WEM on Tuesday, aren't we? And Kim wanted to go watch the Hunger Games sometime...but I think I might say no. AH! I also need to rip and sync the piano songs for Alex and I...and find Taylor Swift songs for Skylar, and...U2,�I think, for Victoria. Oh...ugh...and...oh man, oh man, I've got to figure out this TOK thing.

Wow I really know how to complain. I'm sure it'll all turn out fine. I'll take it all in stride...things will work out fantastically because God's watching over me. (>_ l)

Man, I miss the days of endless reading, watching silly dramas, laughing with sis, and doing all sorts of ridiculous time wasting things.
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Look who's back again.

Guess who's once again feeling stressed...and down...and misunderstood...and wanting to cry...and sick of everything...and worried...and upset...and wishing that it will all go away...would it be entirely terrible of me to just not go to school? Sometimes I wished I had the guts to fake sick like so many of my friends do. But I'm too 'good'. aren't I? I know I wouldn't be able to deal with disappointing my group members, or deal with the guilty conscience of lying to everyone.

But sometimes, in instances like this, I just want to say� "Screw it all, I don't care!". Ohhhh yeah, that would go so well.

I really thought I'd be over this. This semester was supposed to change everything, �this year was supposed to be different. Then I reread one of my previous teenage angst-y entries, and I find myself in the same mood as the time when I wrote that. In fact, I had more to add on to the�sorry list of miseries.

Look at me waste time on a school night, the day before the last day of spring break where EVERYTHING is due. Seriously teachers, are you just trying to torment us on purpose? All this "I don't want you to have to do work over spring break, it's for relaxation!" crap just means you choke all of us the week before -with an exception to Ms. Coleman because she was genuine in her wish to help us but at the same time allowing us to choose.

Italian Unification project, L.A reflection for the Chronicle of a Death Foretold, Extended Essay proposal due AND we need to talk to our EE teacher, freaking Chemistry Test tomorrow that's apparently weighted more than our final (what the heck?!) - which also apparently contains a decent amount of defnitions when our teacher had said not to worry about them, and Oma and Opa's anniversary thingy tomorrow after school which may require me to socialise while I'm cranky. Oh yeah...there's also IB math morning class.

Actually all this probably stemmed from chemistry, and I don't want to talk about it. I've never been terrified of school before.

Sometimes my family doesn't get it - especially my sister. Well actually, I think only my mother is making an effort to understand...I truly appreciate the amount of love and flexibility she's poured on me despite not actually understanding the situation. Dad's just stubborn and compares me to himself. My sister? It feels like she doesn't even bother.

Must I physically place a frown on my face, talk in a flat and upset tone, ignore her, stare anti social-y while my body language is stiff and screams stop bother me - all of which irritates and hurt her - in order for her to understand that I am� freaking serious, that i actually have to get the stuff done, and I'm not just finding an excuse to ignore her and be petty. argh.

I really should get to work...even if I'm already resigned on staying up late.

Ugh. This really sucks.

Pain spoke to me this morning!� On the scale of 0 to 10, it is speaking to me at a low 1.
I acknowledged it with a "Hello" and thanked it for reminding me that it here.� This is a normal daily conversation that I have with it.� I know it may sound weird to many that I have personified my pain.� And when I speak of pain, its usually the cramping, the tingling and burning needle prick sensations, swelling, and vasculitis localized from my knee down to my feet.
I have been feeling pain daily, and whats even worse is feeling pain hourly somedays for the last 12 years.� Its a normal occurance now.� I cant remember what it actually feels like to BE pain free.� Its foreign to me.� There had been a handful of days when I didnt feel any significant discomfort and I would stop myself and say," where is the pain" like I should be expecting pain but it isnt there.
it is possible to live well with pain.� I am living proof of it.� For many the pain can be so gigantically impossible to live with so they resort to pain meds, drugs, alcohol, antidepressant drugs, surgery, or possible suicide to get rid of the pain.� PAIN is EVIL and EVIL is scary to confront!!� And I am confronting EVIL on a daily basis drug free and surgury free�
How am I doing it?� With toughness and grace.� I researched about the disease in the internet at its infancy stages and got some effective help from alternative medicine, holistic nutritionists, energy healers, and spiritual counseling from my religion, Scientology.� Its taken me a third of my life to heal myself...but I am not pain free yet.� It is my personal goal to find ways to erradicate pain completely from my body and consciousness.� I am committed to do that this lifetime.� It may sound like an impossible dream but I trust the Universe for its granting and giving powers of optimal health and wellness.� I truly deserve to be pain free and it is certainly my Devine Right to be so.,� In the meantime, I AM LIVING WELL WITH PAIN.
When I say toughness and grace, it doesnt mean that I dont cry, feel angry, limp around, feel depressed and suppressed, nor do I dont feel beaten up when I have a flareup.� I do feel all of that and then some...however, I am BEING conscious and aware...and I take lots of deep meditative breaths all day long or as long as I can get to a space and time to apply self care.� And most times, I have to wait several hrs before I can get home to rest and ice my legs.� With all the training and counseling that I received from my church, I have been able to BE present in pain and Be able to exist in pain with acceptance, foregiveness, love, and appreciation.� The thoughts that goes through my mind when I am in pain makes a huge difference in my ability to experience the pain gracefully.� Ive learned to think loving positive thoughts and exercise happy and positive feelings.� And when a bad negative thought or feelings congests my mind and heart, I ignore it or I just "push it away".� Not so easy to do.� Being present in Pain is hard to do.� It takes practice, practice, discipline, love and foregiveness, and toughness. �Give it a try...it might just surprise you.
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