I talked with my father,
last night,
about you.
He said, "It's time to grow up Bean,
and appologize to her."
"What percisely do you mean?"
I asked.
He said," Every one knows who you have,
been,
it's time to grow,
time to show them you are!"
After we hung up.
I called you.
You said that you'd call right back.
I waited for your call,
it didn't come at all.
I wish we could,
go back and fix what's broken,
save the time that was stolen.
It's time to grow.
Now either grow with me,
or else leave,
because I can't dangle on a string.
KL
I am just so damn bored with this town anymore.� Plus living out at my mom's house is boring too.� I have to work tomorrow but not until three in the after noon until nine in the evening.� I asked my boyfriend if I could come in before work and hang out with him but he said "and you b all wat and sick 4 work i do not know call in am we talk love u good night".� If I walk in early and hang out and then walk to work it won't be that big of deal because I am going to be well rested and work ain't that far away from his house. But whatever if he don't want to see me that is fine.� maybe even my mom's boyfriend will take me out driving tomorrow before work.� I am just so sick and tired of not doing a damn thing anymore. �I am so used to being around my boyfriend and people that I can chill with not my mom and not my brother and not the stinking dog.� Like I don't mind any of them but being with them all the time and hanging out at the house all the time just gets old and boring all the time.� All I ever do anymore is play around on the internet and watch television and after awhile all that shit gets so fucking boring�
Well this morning I�got up at like 7 a.m and then I got a shower and let the dog out to go to the bathroom. �I got dressed and got ready to go into town, but the thing is I had to walk so it takes me an hour or so to walk in and then when I finally got there I hung out with my boyfriend and then we got it on and then we went out to eat and then we walked back to his house and I left from there.� But after we were done getting it on I went to the bathroom and he is bringing me my cell phone because it was ringing and I look at the number and I thought I knew who it was but wasn't sure and next thing you know I answer the phone and the guy on the other end says is this Ashley�************ and I said yeah he said "my name is officer ********* and I have papers here that you are going to have to go to court against ******�***** and I was like okay and I don't know if I want to go or not but he says I have to go and I am scared of this person and this person has kind of ruined my trust in men because he had hurt me.�
Dear Mommy,
I can't find you anywhere,
I love you,
don't you care?
I no longer want to live,
because of what I did.
Why Mommy,
Why?
Why am I hurting this way,
you didn't love me,
you left and turned my blue skies gray.
Why Mommy?
Why today?
forget it,
you'll never see the pain inside this heart,
behind these eyes,
Something told me,
it all was a lie.
That you never cared,
never wanted nor needed me to be there!
I miss you Mommy,
what did i do,
that was no good?
Why am I,
left with words mis-understood,
with lies and broken burdens,
It's my own life I have stolen,
so Why Mommy?
Did you ever love me?
Did you ever care?
Did you ever need me,
just to be right there?
Dear mother,
you've hurt me you see,
you could never believe in me.
Can't you see that.
dear mother,
you chose between your own daughters,
left one for the slaughter,
and stole the other one away.
you hurt your own daughter,
or did i hurt my-self?
Dear Mother,
Why am i satan's child from hell?
Well wat if i,
grew wings and fly.
would you believe in me the way you should?
Or what if i,
broke down to cry,
would you hold me like you should?
Or what if i throw my self out a second story window,
would you care for me,
dying in my own reflection,
can't you see?:
You chose between your own daughters,
only if I was smarter,
Maybe you would've choosen me?
You chose between your own daughers,
and now one's no longer,
willing to fight,
since you left her life.
I'm sorry for who i've been,
but you can't change who i am,
so i let this go....
� Today I did a shoot with a baby girl named Eliska. She was so adorable. She had several different halloween costumes. She was so easy to work with and her mom and grandmother kept singing this really cute song to get her attention. I really enjoyed the session and am sure the images will be beautiful. I think my favorites are the ones of her with the colorful toule. There was a cat that she really loved. We tried to put the cat in the pail with her but it immediately jumped out before we could even snap off one picture. I was kind of sad about that because it would have been very halloween like. We did get a few with the cut on the bench with her but then it decided to get down when she started petting it a little less than it liked. She wasn't even 2 so she was learning to be nice to the kitty. She didn't quite have it down yet but it was very cute to see her try. There were some great areas at the pumpkin patch to shoot. The only thing is that in the barn some fly kept landing on the baby but I got lots of shots without it so that will be okay. There were huge pumpkins and colorful gourds so I think these will be perfect for halloween.
Agh..! this feeling.. i cnt explain.. so i was looking and browsing around u know.. and i go to rickys comments and i see this pix of him that i was like :0 .. and it was just like a while ago i saw this.. and idk.. ahh honestly i miss him dearly.. well not really.. idk what is it about myspace that makes me become so down.. like maybe its cus i see his statuses and see that he moved on already.. theres still a part of me that would love to go back to him.. then theres a part of me thats like u deserve better.. so now its like half and half.. but u swear ima get back with him.. ehh.. but u know idk why but i wuld love to be friends with him.. idk why� but i get flashbacks often.. i remember all the words he told me.. which were obiously now lies.. gosh like seriously how was i so stupid.. all the words he told me were a bunch of lies..!! lies lies lies.. "I'm nothing without you" "if i would ever loose you I'd cry." "You mean the world to me" "I'll love you even though we aren't together" "I love you so fucken much"
Ugh.. i hate him so much.. i hate how he just tore me up so easily and now he moved on like nothing ever happened.. why does he choose to torture me.. i hate him so much.. like i wish he could suffer..! i wish he would suffer the pain that i suffer for his dumbass .. why cant he just leave me alone.. take ur dumb memories. take ur dumb words back...� Fuck what i said.! it doesnt mean shit now!! Fuck you! ugh.. i hate him.........
Sammy.. sammy.. sammy.. ahh.. i dnt wanna hurt you.. i honestly dont.. he tells me he loves me so fucken mmuch.. and :/ idk.. i dnt believe what people tell me anymore.. im scared to� believe people.. im scared of loving.. x(
like i want to stop talking to him.. i want him to find someone perfect.. to find someone who lives near him.. and makes him happy.. i honestly want the best for him and i feel the best for him is not me.. its not me at all.. i have to stop txting him.. try to avoid all his txt and try to avoid all his calls and msgs..� i have to.. i cant confront him againn about how i cnt be with him.. cus i promised him i wouldnt.. but i have to,.. & i will just not now.. :/
this feelings im feeling.. x( make me become so depressed.. I just need a clean slate from everything.. from everyone.. forget all memories.. i feel so lonley and i hate that feeling.. i need someone.. not sammy because i dnt wanna hurt him.. i just need someoe who actually means what they say to me, someone who wont hurt me someone who shows me what love is.. i need someone.. i feel so unloved.. so undesired.. so idk?? confused??
god help me.. I hate being like this.. i just wanna be happy.. but its hard being happy.. :/ i just wnna break down and cry.. but icnt.. ughh life... its so hard :(
-ttyl</3
Dear you,
I hope you feel better,
that life no longer,
hurts you,
that we can become friends.
I'm scared to tell you that i love you,
because in the end,
like so many times before,
It didn't even matter.
I miss you,
I hope that you see GOD's face,
and remember,
that i'll be here for you,
all day,
and all night,
Sat.-Sun.
but We are hurt,
people in our lives have� been complete and total jerks.
love.
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