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Total public posts: 57

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Sunday - Apr. 20, 2008 - 2:16 PM - EDT - #57

Is my loneliness my fault? I am so tired of being single. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Granted...it hasn't even been a year. But I still think about Connor all the time. I'm supposed to be this mature, strong, independent college student. And I guess I am...in a lot of ways...but I have a long way to go.

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Saturday - Mar. 29, 2008 - 9:41 PM - EDT - #56

Umm...I can't get over my ex. It has been almost a year. wow. That's so odd to say. Just a few more months and im right back to the day when I found his journal from SA. I'm still so broken up over him...and I miss him so much. But I don't want to be with him. Not yet. One day, though. Because I do love the boy...despite his shortcomings. I hate feeling this way...and I was doing so well!!!

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Friday - Jan. 25, 2008 - 9:05 PM - EDT - #55

well. connor visited. i can't really talk about it yet. sweet and painful and altogether indescribeable. Back to life and classes. everything is the way it was...just different work and somew new people and some old memories recently turned and brought to the surface like soil. bumper crop, this year? who knows...

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Monday - Dec. 17, 2007 - 3:32 AM - EDT - #54

aaahhhh! self sacrifice is the devil!!! NOOO!!!! im going to go watch planet earth and chill....like woah....mmmmyes.....

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Thursday - Dec. 13, 2007 - 3:52 AM - EDT - #53

wow...so much has happened. and nothing at all really. In the course of my life, I will not remember the lastmonth or soat all. It will not be momentous and yet, right now, it seems unfathomably meaningful. I love this school.I love my friends and I am starting to love myself a little more. I have Felix following me around...but no other relationship news so far.Well...I helped a friend hook up with the guy that I desperately want. I am the worst kind of masochist. But if I made someone else happy, when I can make my own happiness...then I did something good as far as I am concerned. Two exams to freedom. I am....very, very ill. I thought I was going to die earlier today. I couldn't breathe, my muscles were spasming so I couldnt move or call anyone. Thankfully, I had taken some meds before it got really bad so they took effect part way through the misery. I just have to make sure that they are always on hand if I want to be even close to functional. Typing hurts so I'm going to bed...and sleeping forever...

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Thursday - Nov. 22, 2007 - 5:47 PM - EDT - #52

I HATE MEN! I FUCKING HATE THEM! im so sick of this. im. so. sick. of. connor. i dream about him, i think about him and when i talk to him i want to kill him for days. do i still love him? can i? this is so stupid...and you can't fix stupid. i feel disgusting and i want out of here. this is just too much.

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Tuesday - Nov. 13, 2007 - 10:52 AM - EDT - #51

wow. i said the weekend was going to be crazy but i had no idea... mall trip was fun: found the cutest dresses for upcoming events ($10 each). But then I passed out during the concert (the rock concert). I just slowly fell sideways (apparently) until I settled on Amanda's shoulder. Pills? or just really stressed/overworked? you decide. friday night was incredible. parties everywhere and i got to get all dressed up. walked into my friend's party and got so many cat calls that that's all you could hear on the hall. felt really good, i have to tell you. Spent the night dancing with Patrick: finally someone as tall as me to dance with! Spent Saturday stressing over work and then danced the night away with him again. there was much drama with a friend. her ex came to visit and...for some reason...pnched her in the face which set her best friend into a fit and the guy eventually had to be restrained. i thought that we were more mature than this. speaking of maturity and lack thereof, I finally just sent Patrick a message asking if he had any interest: he said yes but that friendship was more important. ...which can mean a lot of things...my friends say it's good, others give me sympathetic glances but to tell the truth, i am happy with friendship. maybe i just need to feel wanted?

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Friday - Nov. 9, 2007 - 3:34 PM - EDT - #50

woohoo! 150th entry! what to do? what to do!?!? *runs around in a general decorating haze, trailing confetti and small stuffed animals* hmm...well...it was a nice thought! Connor and I are still generally over. w00t! no progress with Patrick. Marina still has her boy toy. This weekend is going to be crazy. Going to the mall with Amanda and Marina. Then on to a concert that I really don't want to see...but Amanda is looking forward to. Work all day tomorrow and then go to Livi's 21st birthday party, then build a bear, party at the court and karaoke night. I have to wear pink...which might just kill me. Meanwhile, I have a bio test hanging over my head and I just kind of want it to go away...well...I'm going to go sit by the union fire. God I love flames...and I hate the cold. soooooo much. these pills im taking....i feel very strange...subdued even. but at the same time that could just be because i am sick. who knows?

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Tuesday - Nov. 6, 2007 - 4:57 PM - EDT - #49

so, enough about connor because that is simply ridiculousness. still slowly falling for patrick. too bad he's so far out of my league. i really do hope that he texts me before watching heroes. . .that would be nice. (ugh....one thing about connor: he keeps using the passive aggressive smiley " :] " im really starting too hate it...which is too bad...because it is kinda cute.) ok...i should go study bio. there is hilarity to come when i have some more time on my hands...also...you may not know this but combined public and private, my next entry will be my 150th! ....HUZZAH!

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Tuesday - Oct. 30, 2007 - 1:28 AM - EDT - #48

ok! so! it's over, for good this time!

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Thursday - Oct. 25, 2007 - 8:17 AM - EDT - #47

ah, i see, you would remain silent: a prudent response. and also...sshhhh....im sitting in my english classroom...been here 15 min..."working on my paper" :D it's all quiet and class-roomy...and actually roomy and comfy 'cause no one is here. I'm pissed that I'm awake but I'm glad that I'm here.

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Wednesday - Oct. 24, 2007 - 4:28 PM - EDT - #46

If YOU had to write a paper supporting or criticizing genetic alteration of humans, what would you say? agree or disagree?

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Tuesday - Oct. 23, 2007 - 10:59 AM - EDT - #45

*stumbles around in the dark* no...8:30 is too early for class. even the sun decided it was too lazy to come out today. took one peek, said "eff that" and then went back to sleep. *trips over fallen teddy bear* ow. damn...i mean...why? why did i pick ALL 8:30s ?? i realize that i am a legit masochist but this...this is just beyond what i thought i was capable of doing to myself! *knocks over trashcan, unknown liquid spills across foot* damn damn damn! but at least i got a B on that god-forsaken paper! I'm really starting to hate that class but I like the people in it at the very least. and we're halfway through to the end! *slams head into top bunk and falls over into dramatic fetal position even though no one is watching* and theatre is great...time consuming but i feel at home backstage...ridiculous costumes and fake blood aside. *scrambles into clothes and ends with my head in a pant leg*...oh! and did i mention that my hair is black now? ha! the box of dye lies >< ...it's not all bad...but still...eww...not a good look for me. i feel emoish...but bad emoish. *finally manages to get dressed and groomed and, furthermore, is able to avoid the puddle of unknown liquid on the floor.* now if things could just stay on an upward tilt...and my extension on my next paper goes through...things are really looking up for me!*proudly strides out of the room, chin held high!*.........*comes running back!* heh....forgot my book bag!...even if things don't go as planned...i guess i'll just have to work it out as we go along! *shuffles out, whistling*

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Monday - Oct. 22, 2007 - 0:42 AM - EDT - #44

i feel...used. i do not want to be with him. i love him. but i want him out of my life for good. he is bad for me. he hurts me. i hate myself for staying with him. i hate myself for wanting to leave. i do not understand. i have no idea about what i actually want. if he cheated then i could tell him that i never wanted to see him again. i could justify never speaking a word to him ever. ever ever ever. that's all i want to say. i want to hurt him. i want to scream at him for all the hurt he caused. i want to make sure that he never comes back and i don't hear from him until the day he dies...and thenalli want a notification for a funeral that i will never go to. i love him and i don't want to. i want to be with him every minute and every second apart, every thought that he might be with someone else kills me and the chances of him ditching me again are so high that i can barely stand it. im out of control again. why? why do i always end up with this downward spiral? im a self-defeatist. only this time im throwing out as many safety nets as i can. i hope with every fiber of my being that they catch me before i hit bottom again. i have climbed too high to come crashing back down. i just cant let it happen. if it takes shrinks or pills or friends or blood or tears i WILL NOT let it happen to me. not again and not ever.

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Wednesday - Oct. 17, 2007 - 5:19 PM - EDT - #43

oh, did i mention 22 hours back?

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Wednesday - Oct. 17, 2007 - 5:18 PM - EDT - #42

so. 20 hours on a bus. i met many, many interesting people. I arrived in binghamton early and, when I called connor, he was still asleep and suggested that I find my own way to the college. ok. it's a damn good thing that i am not him and am therefore self-sufficient.i knew that he didn't want to figure it out and i certainly didn't want camden to have to get out of bed to come get me. i caught a cab and half way through the ride connor calls: offering to call a cab company. i tell him i'll be there in 10 mins or so. i arrive at the door in 10 mins. i text him and he takes another 10 mins to get ready and come see me. and i love him. and hugging him was the best thing id done in months. i had a wonderful time and i didnt want it to end. (except for one occasion where he alluded to the fact that hehad sex witherin...and it really wasn't necessary to bring it up). he was so sweet and he took very good care of me. we fit back together like we used to. and yet, im still conflicted. very conflicted. i love him so (so) much. but he seems so young. he so scaredaround others and so effing full of himself when we are alone. for someone who is too afraid to ask his brother to take him to walmart, he sure inflicted quite a few bruises on me. ....what am i saying? gah, wtf is wrong with me? this just doesn't make sense. i don't make sense. my whole life aches right now and i just can't quite poking it to see if it still hurts.

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Thursday - Oct. 11, 2007 - 10:56 AM - EDT - #41

i know that i'm fickle. i accept it/persecute me not etc. etc. *ahem* what the HELL am i doing? why on earth am i going to see connor? huh?!?!? my own idiocy astounds me. i cant...i cant even think of words to express how stupid this is. wow. dangerously in love--my ass! im a wreck...again. threw up twice this morning. this is supposed to happen when you have a family and you get busy and right before a kid pops out. this is not supposed to be happening at the very thought of a relationship! please, please, please, don't let me get hurt. i dont know who i'm asking. just for now, just this once, let me not get hurt. let bad things happen but dont let me feel them. or...i know it's too much to ask but just let the good things come? aahhh...i am totally bringing my bright striped body pillow and blanket for the bus ride. it might make me feel better.

he better be there to pick me up on time.

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Monday - Oct. 8, 2007 - 3:48 PM - EDT - #40

i. hate. this. essay.

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Monday - Oct. 8, 2007 - 8:00 AM - EDT - #39

so...I don't really know how it happened...*slash*...i made it happen(?). anyway, i'm going to see connor on friday. umm....20 hours on a bus there and back. what the hell am i thinking? i should bite the bullet and fly but it's too damn expensive. oh well; i'll get my homework done?
i currently despise school. i just can't write these papers anymore. They are so ridiculous. I /want/ to write the next paper but not this one. I'll just get a bad grade and move on. I mean, what else can I do? Stupid question...I could work a loooot harder. Maybe that's what I'll do. i just noticed that capital letters snuck back into my entry. i was shunning them in the name of bad grammar. sneaky little buggers.

PS i am /always/ tired.

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	Tuesday - Oct. 2, 2007 - 4:27 PM - EDT - #38

	eep. i sound so melodramatic/depressed. truth is, i'm actually pretty happy. i just don't feel the need to talk about happiness. unless it's really really happy. im confused and tired and overworked and highly-caffeinated...ie i am a college student. i need to go do a lab report...but my group has yet to do anything. i dont mean to be bitter but come ON guys, take some initiative. again...too much to ask? methinks so.