i reallllly need to get caught up in school.. i am scared im going nowhere in life
Just me here hating life... i have no guys in my life well i do but most of them just wanna fuck me which is annoying cause the one guy i do like doesnt even know i exist. Also my mother is moving away from me because she says its too painful having me live with my father and she wants to leave before my birthday cause she doesnt want me growing up anymore without her, and since she knows she cant have me at home with her everyday shed rather not have me at alllll. Its bad enough i had to grow up with my father gone but now i have to finish going through my teenage years without the person i need most in life... my mother. I dont even have anyone to talk to any of this with because im too scared to open to ANYONE not even my best friend...... i am so fucked up.
I know I have not written in this for a lonnnngg time but I am going to right now so I can get something BIG off my chest... that pretty much sums it up... my huge boobs, and the rest of me. Sometimes I tend to think that I am the most INSECURE person in the WORLD! Being insecure and self conscious has been one of my biggest problems since I was younger and now that I am 16 it is sooo much worse.
I go to a catholic school so we have uniforms except now we have dress down days every Friday which is a living HELL for me! Most of the time I skip school on Friday because I think I look enormous in allll of my clothes. If Im not skipping school Im wearing the exact same thing I always do, track pants and a sweater. When I go out with my friends I find it difficult for me to socialize with people because Im constantly thinking theyre comparing me to all my friends and thinking I look gross (which I usually do).... so to resolve this problem I get REALLY DRUNK to the point of passing out. Daily life for me is even hard, I dont go to the mall because I feel Im too fat to even show my face there and when I do Im wearing........ YOU GUESSED IT track pants and a sweater. Dont get me wrong its not like I have no clothes I have lots of clothes that I go out of town often to get, but nope I never put them to use beause i a m t o o f a t!!!
The worst of all of this is that I honestly dont even think I look that bad! Alot of people think Im soo pretty and guys think Im hot, not to sound conceited just trying to make my point. I am about '5"6 and a half, I weigh about 145lbs and my measurments are 36 27 38. I cant take a compliment from someone either, I usually give them a dirty look and freak out on them for saying such a disgusting thing. Ahhhh I am just completely fed up with being as self conscious as I am and I want IT TO END!
Hes Hurting Me - Maria Mena
I've never been confronted with my own thouhts They don't bother me when I'm alone Can you come over save me, because he won't stop Now get him off his fucking throne Caution the floor's wet in here, been crying I don't know why he seems convinced I'm lying I don't know what he's capable of doing but he's hurting me It's not his fault I made him lose his temper I should know better not to talk to loud There's no one out there who could love me better I'm not like you, you are too proud
Hero Heroine - Boys Like Girls
I never thought that you could break me apart I keep a sinister smile and a hole in my heart You want to get inside Then you can get in line But not this time Cause you caught me off guard Now I'm running and screaming I feel like a hero and you are my heroine I won't try to philosophize I'll just take a deep breath and I'll look in your eyes This is how I feel And its so surreal I got a closet filled up to the brim With the ghosts of my past and their skeletons And I don't know why You'd even try But I won't lie And I feel a weakness coming on Never felt so good to be so wrong Had my heart on lock-down And then you turned me around And I'm feeling like a new born child Every time I get a chance to see you smile It's not complicated I was so jaded
Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis
Closed off from love I didn't need the pain Once or twice was enough And it was all in vain Time starts to pass Before you know it you're frozen But something happened For the very first time with you My heart melts into the ground Found something true But I don't care what they say I'm in love with you My heart's crippled by the vein That I keep on closing You cut me open and I Keep bleeding love
Thats What You Get - Paramore
I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore It's your turn to take a seat We're settling the final score And why do we like to hurt so much? I can't decide You have made it harder just to go on And why, all the possibilities Well I was wrong That's what you get when you let your heart win I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating And that's what you get when you let your heart win I wonder How am I supposed to feel when you're not here? Cuz I've burned every bridge I ever built When you were here I still try Holding on to silly things, I never learn Pain, make your way to me, to me And I'll always be just so inviting
If I Gave You My Life - Justin Nozuka
If I gave you my life would you let it slip Through your fingers like water in the dessert If I gave you my heart In the deep of the night Would you hold it like a candle giving you light
Love Song - Sara Bareilles
You made room for me but it's too soon to see If I'm happy in your hands I'm unusually hard to hold on to Blank stares at blank pages No easy way to say this You mean well, but you make this hard on me I'm not gonna write you a love song 'cause you asked for it 'cause you need one, you see I'm not gonna write you a love song 'cause you tell me it's Make or breaking this If you're on your way I'm not gonna write you to stay If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better Reason to write you a love song today
Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy
We walked along a crowded street You took my hand and danced with me Images And when you left you kissed my lips You told me you'd never ever forget these images, no I never want to see you unhappy I thought you'd want the same for me Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you I should've known you'd bring me heartache Almost lovers always do I cannot go to the ocean I cannot drive the streets at night I cannot wake up in the morning Without you on my mind So you're gone and I'm haunted And I bet you are just fine Did I make it that easy To walk right in and out of my life?
Rock Your Soul - Elisa
I don't let myself down just wanna be one with you wanna be one with you The more I think, the less I do when I'm able to talk I'm queen of my world I let it rain on my skin I don't ask myself why I don't ask myself why I wanna be one with you wanna be one with you and all I want is to rock your soul
Sorry - Maria Mena
I just poured my heart out there's bits of it on the floor And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water And call him up for more And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too He said I'm sorry so sorry I'm sorry so sorry He grabs my wrists as my fingers turn into angry fists and I wisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you I'll play the part
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