scarlett's Journal

 
    
30
Sep 2007
7:45 AM EDT
   

earth to brain: no! stop, just stop it. you may not know it, but you belong to someone who loves connor...a lot. so why are you thinking about patrick? why are you thinking about marina? why do you care if justin or felix have interest in you? why do you follow jorg around like a lost puppy? why? why? why? this is so idiotic. being with connor is also idiotic. we will never get to see one another and when we do...then what? he fucked erin. plain and simple. granted, we weren't together at the time but it was so hard for me to move on and believe me, I had offers. just the way he always does; he goes off to try something new and then comes crying back when it's not as good as what he had with me. not acceptable. either stay with me or have the balls to stick through something else with someone else. every relationship starts out awkward and rocky.deal with it.i just want someone who is good for me. isthat really too much to ask? apparently.

side note: i don't know any freshmen. went to a class of 2011 party yesterday and didnt know a single person. im surrounded by seniors and juniors, im their pet "fabulous freshman." i know i should spend more time with kids my age but...right now they all seem so immature. i know that i talk about problems with connor on here but with actual people, the only time i bring it up is when someone asks or when something really momentous occurs for example: when he crashed his car coming to visit. but the girls on my hall: "omg...omg...he's looking at me...what should i doo???" >< i just cant stand it at every meal and in every conversation. and their drinking habits!!! they just get SMASHED every night. at least the seniors know how to handle their alcohol. ugh..
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29
Sep 2007
8:35 AM EDT
   

im so tired. all the time. i wake up ready for bed and i go to sleep hoping that tomorrow never comes. i really hate wishful thinking. hope...is different. we cannot survive without hope. if you are alive, you are hopeful. it's as simple as that. hopeful that things will be better, that tomorrow will be as good as today, that things will stay or change in accordance with your wishes. at least, that's what i think. im still conflicted. do i visit connor or not? it would be really, really expensive. and who knows what will happen when i get there? im confused (surprise surprise). on a happy note: went to cirque le masque last night. i love this school. it may try to kill me but at least it entertains me in the process.

just had a thought. what is a life? i mean, we talk about the past as if it is real. but is it? we have evidence, we have scars and tombstones and legacies and skid marks and coffee grounds on the table. ...so what? we can never experience the past, we can have all the evidence we want that it exists but we can't prove it. maybe all we actualyy have is one single moment. Exactly one tiny fraction of an experience that is constantly changing. because i keep looking back on things that happened two years ago and i remember thinking that today was so far away...but here it is. 40 years from now i will think, in an instant like this one, "where did all the time go? i thought that this day was so long in coming but...here it is." why is that not the same instant? the future is unknown, the past is unreachable and all we have is now. right now. you are always, always right here and right now so why worry about anything else? except the fact that this moment will one day be months or weeks ahead. so maybe planning wouldn't hurt...
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27
Sep 2007
7:52 AM EDT
   

ok, so. i went back for a visit...and was late. my fault for getting the apt. time wrong. what does he tell me? spell everything backwards, use even letters, anything to make you not like doing it. great. good idea. it might work (option 1). option 2: the whole point of going to him is because the OCD is becoming disruptive. now, really, i do it most of the time without thinking and it /still/ bothers me. if i had to sit and think and consciously decide to spell a word backwards...i think that might be a bit more 'disruptive'...therefore, it doesn't work. option 3: the scary one. spelling backwards becomes a new compulsion...one more thing that i can't quit doing. counting steps, fixing arrangements, stepping on particular bricks, tearing my fingers apart, rocking, singing songs for months and...spelling words of odd and even lettersforwards, backwards and all the time. great. beautiful. damn; i hope this works.
so...academics? not bad. in one of the top 10 liberal arts colleges in the USA and i'm holding my own. B in english and the class average is a C...i can handle that. feel kinda crappy most of the time.."why am i here?" etc. it feels good to achieve something, even if it is just a passing grade. bio test back next week...we'll see. if im going to spend my life in the field...eh...tests had better go well. religion...have a meeting. we'll see what happens. acting...is fun. as usual. i miss being on the stage. "You should be an actor!" they say. "I am!...or I was...I mean...if I'm not currently acting, am I an actor?....actress?"...they were just being nice...they've stopped listening by now. except for one. have you ever noticed? in a large group, there is always that one person who was listening? usually it's someone different each time, sometimes it's you. but something in your tone or your words or your stance has captivated a part of a listener. there's a focus of concentration that gathers and attaches itself to at least (at /least/) one person..and even if it is just for a second, they are actually really listening. maybe it's a personal phenonmenon. maybe i'm just really tired. option b.
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22
Sep 2007
7:37 AM EDT
   

my hair is gone. poof. i think i have a few strands that are an inch and a half long. i feel trendy. sexy, you ask? i think so. going to a concert tonight. decided that my friend is more important than my desire to see my fellow students embarrass themselves on stage.
sidenote: i really don't think that I want to be with connor.i mean...i'm young, attractive, smart and personable most of the time. that isn't to say that guys will flock to me but, given time, i could find someone else. i really could. and i could be happy with him or her. but when im not with connor, all i think about is how much i want him back. i love him and what we have hadis wonderful and together we could be wonderful again. but right now he's too immature, too fixed in his own world view to appreciate what we could be and what we actually are. i'm sick of being the only realist. i'm tired of pulling people down to earth because they can't avoid the sun. all i want to do is fly.
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20
Sep 2007
5:22 PM EDT
   

excuse me, but have you seen my mind? i seem to have misplaced it.
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20
Sep 2007
1:13 PM EDT
   

going to the mall tomorrow. my hair is out of control (as usual). how can 4 inches of hair be so rebellious? beats me. short and sassy, just the way i like my women. i sound like connor. ugh. i should be doing work. but im not. finished everything for tomorrowbut my weekend is going to be hellish. gay club in charlotte? don't mind if i do. i rented the incredibles and american psycho at the same time. what does that say about me? the guy behind the counter initiated a 10 min conversation on the underlying themes in american psycho. what does that say about him? and to make it very clear: it is a class critique first and foremost and secondly it is a dissection of a human psyche that was never really there to begin with. kind of hard to put the pieces together. i want to go ride a bike. fantastic idea: provide college students with community bikes that anyone can use. great, now they don't need a car to drive drunk. as for me? wind in my hair, pant leg in the chain, phone in my pocket: it's going to be a good day.
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19
Sep 2007
6:54 AM EDT
   

meeting went well. i feel neither oppressed nor pressured. he has a miniature sand garden on his desk: i like him. he is also offering me meds. do i want them? personal mantra: i don't know. will they change me? i hope not. i tend to like me on most days. the evil i know or the evil i don't know? (that's why john kerry lost the election, btw) i still can't write this god forsaken paper. oh ye who toils over pen and paper, no help shall i bestow upon thy (thine?)works. all alone, i guess. three obligations on saturday: brithday party/concert, sorority dinner, clubbing with a friend who is about to immerse himself in the bowels of the psych lab for the next month or so. choices. however, a very simple choice has just been made for me. i need a drink of water with an urgency and immediacy usually reserved for the rescue of small children from painful and tragic circumstances. this is where i will conclude my entry.
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19
Sep 2007
4:45 PM EDT
   

ha! that last bit sounded really snobby. my apologies.
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19
Sep 2007
4:42 PM EDT
   

paper's done. does it make sense? everyone together now (!) : I don't know. I hope so. I must go to bed before 1. I just can't worry about it anymore. what good is a genius IQ if it doesn't have enough sleep to function at full capacity?
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18
Sep 2007
6:42 AM EDT
   

i dont have curse words strong enough to express this morning. stupid paper. stupid lofted bed. stupid gravity. stupid bruised knee. stupid class peer review. stupid 3rd page that was never written. in short: stupid me. sick, long day, need a nap. heh...long day? it's 10:30am. roomie is still asleep. stupid her. i warned her that i would be unreasonably grumpy today. 8:30 class for meand she sleeps till 12. not her fault: (tell that to my sense of justice). stupid stomach: food goes in one direction, haven't you heard? stupidc-h-i-l-d-c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n. every day, all day, in my head. no reason, no rhyme, 13 letters over and over. see a sign? spell it. too few letters? too many? too even? make something up so it works. stupid life. deal with it.
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17
Sep 2007
7:03 AM EDT
   

paper due tomorrow. why haven't i worked on it yet? oh yeah...simulated sex on a dance floor. "boy, you must have been wasted to have danced with so many girls!" sure i was. that's the only reasonable explanation, right? you must drink, you must be like everyone else because no one here has secrets. everyone has secrets. but it's okay, i wont tell if you don't.
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16
Sep 2007
2:42 PM EDT
   

i am so sick and tired of this. i am so confused. people ask me all these questions and i have to respond with "i don't know." i just don't know.i love him and i hate him and i loathe myself.
i see these scars and im glad that i have them. is that sick or what? i tell myself that it's because the scars are the only things that stopped me, in the end. but i think i like having a story to tell about the pretty little parallel stripes. the only story that i will never have to tell because everyone has heard it before. or at least because they think they have. even before i open my mouth, they know who i am and what im about to say. I use their assumptions to prove how much more astute i am in comparison. my story belongs to me and me alone and only i will judge my values before really listening to what i have to say. but i guess i am like everyone else. i make my judgement, order my sentence and close the case before i even speak a word. that is hardly fair.
as for the scars he gave me: they aren't important. they are shame and they are bliss and they are fleeting and healed. i pretend that that is why we ended. that that is the proof i need to feel justified. but, in truth, they are like remembered kisses. some would say he was my judas, i would say he is my romeo: every kiss doomed and sweet and full of pain and thorns.

im going to therapy on tuesday. finally. i am hopeful for change but expect none.
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14
Sep 2007
3:37 PM EDT
   

so...he crashed. In virginia. He's fine but the car was totaled. i wont be seeing him this weekend. we are back together. im not sure how. i love him. damn it all. im going to visit him at his house in PA in october. i dont understand myself.
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13
Sep 2007
4:08 AM EDT
   

soo...connor is coming today. in nine hours...more or less. oh my god. what have i done? what the hell have i done? i know that this isnt a good idea....i know that it isnt...but i did it anyway. why didi do it? do i still love him as much as i sometimes think that i do? IS this just a booty call? is that what we have become? is that what three years means to him (and to me) now? i dont think that i am going to be ok with this but hey...i got myself into this...im going to have to get myself out....what if he died on the way here? No…I don't want him to die…of course not. also….f*ck.

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03
Sep 2007
7:54 PM EDT
   

"The worst thing you can try to do is cling to something that is gone, or to recreate it." - Johnette Napolitano
That is so true. I feel like I'm holding onto high school...and whoI used to be. It's just not coming back, is it? I mean....ever. I guess that's a good thing actually...I didn't really like who I was becoming. But then again, I have no idea who I am anymore.
This is so confusing ><. Lizzie's right, no one knows us here. I'm not sure that anyone wants to get to know me...which hurts, but the truth usually does, I suppose.
I need to sleep. I'm kind of lost...
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29
Aug 2007
4:19 PM EDT
   

of course I'm smiling.

I am officially a college student! Woohoo? So much work but....c'est la vie. and a new crush :D ah me oh my. and they have a secret organization for LGBTQ students here and I am so excited o.O. We get passwords and everything o.O.

ttfn
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07
Aug 2007
9:36 PM EDT
   

i don't need anyone else. i must be self-sufficient, i must be independent. People can always let you down...will let you down. There are so few decent people left. i miss innocence and i miss faith. i miss believing in truth and the fact that good will always triumph over evil. I even miss the idea of good and evil being separate entities. They're not even two sides of a coin, or yin and yang. They're the world in shades of grey, devoid of true black or white.

aaahhhh, im so confused! people suck, i love people. im a people person who hates people. what am i? who am i? who am i asking? am i crazy? i think i might be losing my mind. i dont want to be depressed again.
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05
Aug 2007
8:41 AM EDT
   

For the first time in a very long time I actually like being me.
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03
Aug 2007
5:57 PM EDT
   

What am I afraid of and why?

Well...I leave for Florida on Thursday...and then I'm off to davidson on the 17th...my 18th bday actually. I'm afraid of leaving home again. Everytime I start a newyearabroad Ileave a bit of myself behind, and I lose part of my identity at home. When I come back, I will have changed and who knows if the piece I left behind will fit anymore? I'm afraid of not knowing who I am. I don't know what my expectationswill be in college. I'm terrified of being inadequate for school, for a significant other, for my parents and for myself. Wow...there is a long list of things that I am afraid of. But the one thing I have come to realize is that, despite the many forms that it takes, the only thing I am afraid of is the unknown. I can face fears that I am sure of but how do you face off against the unfamiliar and the obscured?

I feel like I'm in limbo at the moment, still in mid-air after leaping blindfolded off of a cliff. Where, how and when will I land?
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31
Jul 2007
3:19 PM EDT
   

how do you tell someone that you simply don't enjoy their company? I mean, I know that you can't really just...say that. Or I can't, at least. A friend keeps asking me out to dinner, to his house, to the movies. (This is the one who confessed his love for me, and also the one that i firmly turned down.) He knows how I feel and yet he won't give up and he won't take no for an answer. I don't want to be mean to him, he really is a nice (if socially inept) guy. Same with james...he won't give up either. My other guy friend informed me that the only way to really stop a guy is to be absolutely against any kind of attention from them, even if it hurts them. Maybe he's right and I'm just leading them on. But really, can't i just make it clear that i don't want to be in a romantic situation with them and then get on with the friendship instead of shutting the whole thing down? all i have are guy friends, it would be greatly appreciated if they stopped acting like hormone driven imbeciles. The first guy is nice, but really...i could handle never seeing him again. the other is honestly my best friend...it hurts that he can't ignore his dick for five seconds and realize that having a guy all over me isn't what i need right now. ok...enough of a rant...where's a scantily clad 18 year old girl with more than half a brain and at least a little curiosity?

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scarlett's Profile

  • Username: scarlett
  • Gender / Age: Female, 31
  • Location: Bahamas
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    About Me: Bahamian. Boarding School in CT. Davidson College.

    Interests: theatre. bio. books.

    Favorite Music: Anything.

    Favorite Movies: Requiem for a Dream. The Prestige.

    Favorite Television: L Word. The Big Bang Theory. Family Guy. Elfen Lied.

    Favorite Books: Everything.