jesssie's Journal

It hasn't changed anything for me! My God, sometimes I really hate my life. I know ther are people who have it 'sooo' much worse, but I don;t have anything to compare that to, like im not from a third world country. So what I think is bad, is bad for ME. not bad for the kids who cant afford to eat and whatnot.
i'm just pissed. pissed pissed pissed.
& school is tomorrow. i dont want to go.
fuck that.

I really hate a lot of people. I honestly, hate a lot of people!! And there are so many flaws of people that I really can't stand.& there are so many flaws in myself, that I really wish didn't exist. It's easier said than done to love yourself and be happy for yourself and who you are. I'm not happy with myself. I don't love myself. I used to, i'll admit. but it has disapeared, and i feel like i have disappeared as well. i no longer feel in touch with myself, or with anyone for that matter. i kind of want to crawl into a hole for a little bit and take a deep look at myself just as an attempt to find me. i miss who i used to be, before highschool started. i miss being able to actually keep a secret;instead i have to tell one person. usually word travels fast. it sucks, and i hate it. but its all life i guess! i really wish i could grow out of this immature phase me and some of my friends are in right now. im kind of deciding between going after something i shouldnt, and just leaving things be. yeah it kind of seems obvious when i say it like that -- but its not. its hard. its difficult, tiring and i guess maybe im too lazy of a person mentally to keep up with it. all i have to say isi miss things. i really truly miss things and im tired of this person i have become. im just plain tired.

Yeah, im a little upset. But what can I do. I can't force anyone else to do anything. I can't change anyone. I have to live with what i've got. sometimes that seems really hard. & it is. and i hate it.
im tired of trying so hard sometimes, iwanna let everything go and start over fresh. but its not that easy. and i wish it was.

:@

I know it's pretty early still, its only 9 oclock - fairly early for a teenager who usually sleeps in past noon. I will probably be writing a few more times today, if not just once; but right now here are my thoughts.

The one part of my body I have to give most credit to, would be my brain. More specifically, the memory. Memories are like subconscious movies that could play over and over in your head, and your brain just stores them? Like, I really don't know. I am very happy they exist though - no matter how great, or how upsetting they may be.

It's back to school on the 4th of September, for me. I have to admit, for someone who isn't too big on school, I'm really excited. I'll take that statement back after the first week though, I promise! Ebay is a great thing. I got like 5 pairs of flats (brand new!) for under $60? I'm pretty sure thats a good deal, and that is including S&H. So.. I think I made off quite well with that one. Speaking of shoes, and clothes too, I seriously need a job. I really do! A good one.. I applied at Tim Hortonsa couple months ago and never heard back from them, which is kind of disappointing because I really was looking forward to that job. But now I guess I'll have to apply somewhere else. I really hope Swiss Chalet is hiring. My friend Julie works there and she says it really is great. I'm hoping she's right... and I'm hoping I get hired!

And, I REALLY LIKE THIS GUY. But, as luck would have it.. he has a girlfriend. The thing is, he liked me before and I lost my chance because I was waiting around for someone else. Proves that waiting around for someone never does you good -especially since in my case, the guy i was waiting around for never came through and I ended up losing him as well. That's basically the story of my life.

I have an incredible person to thank for everything she has done and helped me with. TKE! I love you to death! You truly are a best friend to me, and I couldn't even replace you if I tried; so do not worry about a thing.

I think that is it for right now.

Dear friend,
You're my entire life. Where would I be without you? You are the person who shed light on every dark situation, you gave hope to me when I had run out. You lifted my spirits when they were six feet under, you've basically done more than I could have asked for.
Well, that's what I would like to think of you. The truth is, you're hardly ever there. You hardly ever help me in any situation. A lot of times, I really want to come to you, but you're not there for me. I hope you know I'd drop everything for you, I'd honestly do whatever it took to make you find your way in this life. You don't see it though, you don't want to get better. You don't want the help that I'm giving, or that anyone is giving. You run away from everyone who tries to come close.
I'm going to make a promise to you. A promise, that unlike you- I can guarantee I'll keep. I'm not going to make it so you can take advantage of it, or so you can walk all over me like im some kind of welcome home carpet in front of a door; no.
The promise is this : I will never leave your side. I will always be there when you need me. When you fall down, I'll help you up. When you finally recover from the state that you're in, I'll lead you back on the right path. You will do and be everything you've ever wanted.
You have to believe in yourself, in order for others to believe in you. It's clear to me that you have no idea on what direction you want to take in your life. You are so confused that you've resorted to be some kind of 'rebel'. I wish you knew how much it tears me apart; to watch you do this to yourself, and your family. I care about you so much, I love you so much; I need you, so much.
After everything I've done for you, you treat me like you take me for granted, i wouldnt be surprised if you actually do.

Well, please stop. Because the longer you continue to push me aside, the longer it will take for you to gain me back when you might just need me.
I love you, I want you to be better. I want you to care at least half as much as I do. And I know, thats not too much to ask from you.

Sometimes I feel selfish, because I want things to be all about me. And i guess, maybe that is a little selfish! But I really do try, I try to look out for my friends and family, I try to give them everything they deserve, and more. Sometimes I feel like no one appreciates anything I do- it makes me want to stop caring about anyone else but myself; i seem to be the only person who truly appreciates anything i give.
It hurts me when people say that they only care about themselves because they are just in this life for themselves. Okay, well that may be true, but why not make everyones lives a little easier while you're at it? Wouldnt you love if,a nice generous person gave you something or told you a piece of advice that changed your life forever? Maybe that has happened- and if it has, you know what im talking about.
Im not sure if i have ever had this experience, but i really hope one day someone starts to genuinely care about others. I dont mean giving them stuff, although thats always nice and I'd never complain.. but, im talking about respect here. Respect, dignity and everything else.
In Canada, since when is it okay to have sex with 88903482934 people before you reach adulthood? We're growing up too fast! We're not enjoying our childhoods. We don't do what kids used to do, and the only excuse people seem to come up with is 'times have changed, its different now'. WELL NO SHIT ITS DIFFERENT. but WHY? why did we let it come to this anyways? We brag about how many people we've slept with, all the things we've stolen and gotten away with, the drugs, the booze, the partying.
Where did our morals go? Since when is it some joke to lose your education and end up on the streets? Is this what we want our future kids to have to go through? WHY EVEN BOTHER WITH ANOTHER GENERATION! I know i wouldnt want my child growing up in todays society. Theres not enough good left, its all bad and immoral and nothing is what it seems. You can't trust anyone, you have to learn to have your guard up at all times.

It REALLY is sad when thats what it has come to. I'm not even 15 yet, and even I realize whats going on. Its not right.

In regards to the last entry :

I have had a major loss. shes my best friend. she has been for as long as i can remember. shes been through the good and the bad, shes never gone anywhere when i needed her at the worst times ( and the best). but shes changed from that wonderful person i once knew. to a point where its not normal. and i cant watch this happen; not to her. shes my fucking best friend. to watch her fall, crumble and eventually turn into nothing is probably one of the hardest things ill ever have to do. i basically need all the support i can get, because if not - im going down with her. i cant let her guilt me into that, i cant let her make me somehow feel somewhat responsible. although she does- without even trying. i feel like , yeah - shes been there for me my entire life, now its my turn. but all of the things i went through dont even add up to what i would have to sacrifice to be here for her. its not worth it for me, its not worth it for anything.
there are no words to describe the way i feel towards her. i honestly want to kill her sometimes, but i could never do that. i love her way to much. fuck, i seriously dont know what to do. the best thing is to do nothing at all, and she'll learn- hopefully.

the worst thing in the world is the feeling of loss. and lately, for the past week i've been feeling a lot of 'loss'. small losses, big losses - either way its still a loss. i'm teaching myself, just the right way how to deal with loss, whether big or small. a small loss (or many small losses) that i have been dealing with, come from my inside. not literally, my insides of course. but, the feelings inside. i remember when i had a boyfriend, the main feeling i felt inside was love; followed by a deep passion for everything around me. i enjoyed everything, happiness was the main theme in my life. and then, like everything else at the time, i lost him. i lost everything, or so it felt. and i realized the worst thing to do was to lay around and mope about how my life is unfair and cruel. i needed to get back on my feet. this all happened approximately 5 and 1/2 months ago, and im still recovering. although the relationship i had wasnt a long time (4 months the second time dating, 3 months the first time dating.. yeah i know, two times!) it was still long enough for me to become so emotionally attatched to everything i was experiencing with this boy. now, this boy has far moved on and is with another girl. which is like, screaming at me to either move on or at least move away from the thought that there is something left there.

i have since moved on, sort of. i still have reoccuring feelings of what i once felt. but now the only loss is what he lost. he lost me. but, he replaced me.
i havent had much of a big loss but im not complaining.

The most beautiful sound in the world is the piano, in my opinion. Each note leads to another, so softly, so smoothly, almost as if every note is one. Every note has a different story; everytime you strike a key it's a whole new world, a whole new sound. Maybe you've never thought of a piano to have a life of its own; or for each key to be significant in one way or another. The lower registers are the pain we feel throughout our life -- the higher keys are the enjoyed moments. I've never looked at a piano and realized what side has more keys, and if they do, in fact, have more keys. But i am going to take a guess that the higher side has more keys, if i was trying to relate it to my life, or anyones life. yeah, life sucks more often than not according to our minds, but hey, we wouldnt be able to tell the difference if it wasnt for the good things and people that occasionally walk in our life from time to time.

What are we about? Why do we cry, why do we feel, why do we triumph and sometimes feel bad about it? Is there something else we're missing, here? Is our mind, body and spirit all connected or is it all just made up to comfort the human race? There are so many questions, and not enough answers. there are just not enough answers for us. But if we knew all the answers, there would not be any point in living, for we are living to discover the answers. we will never fully understand why we are here, but that does not mean that we cant try our best to understand!
And, what exactly is our best,anyways? Is our best trying so hard that we cant try anymore? Or, maybe its pushing our bodies to the point of exhaustion. Or, maybe our best, is simply just our best? And we have to hope that our best is good enough for someone, anyone, or everyone. And if its not, our best has to be for ourselves. If its in our minds, we are the best, we feel that way until someone tells us differently.
Which, brings me to my next question. Why do humans care about what other people think of them? Why do humans put so much effort into pleasing other people, when thats not the point at all. We are not here to please other people, which seems to be the complete opposite of what most humans are trying to accomplish. Well, I think I have also fallen into the trap of pleasing other people, because it makes you feel good to please someone else. It feels good to know that someone appreciates you, someone notices something that you've accomplished, when someone actually cares about how you feel and what you do. There is a far more worse type of trying to please someone though.
That could possibly be, trying to please everyone around you. No matter what, you can't please everyone. It's like a law or something. Not everyone is going to agree with you, not everyone is going to like the things you are doing and the things you want to do. It's what sets us apart from each other; having the courage to stand up for what you want and how you want to do it is the most pleasing of all.