What really bothers me the most, is that you aren't even a part of my life at all anymore, yet I still think about you everyday and I still care enough about you to wonder how you are. Yet you can't take two seconds out of your 'oh so busy' fucking schedule to say hi once and a while. You're the one who wanted to stay friends.. well you have an incredibly lousy way of showing that you want to be my friend still. I didn't do anything to you at all except geta little upset -- but I had every right to be mad at you. You are unfair. You treat me like shit in my books, and I don't want people like that in my life. But you know you're different and you know you're an exception, and you definately use that to your advantage, and I wish that you would stop using it to your advantage because it makes me look like a fool. I am the only person who ever made an effort with us. And if you ever made an effort, I don't think it was enough for me. I don't even think you were enough for me. But still I wish things didn't end, and its been a while now but I still feel like I need you a little bit. Because you knew what to do when I didn't. And you're the guy who knows me better than any of the guys I hang out with at school.. or anywhere else. But you'll always be there even when you aren't I guess. I don't understand how ONE person can change your entire life.. when there are more than six billion other people to meet in the world. But one makes all the difference. You weren't exactly that person but sometimes I wish you could have been.
You know when you feel like you have the entire world.. on your shoulders? Yeah, not in your hands. You don't carry it that simply. Instead you have to haul it onyour back because your hands are not yet strong enough to hold it. You have to go through pain in order to get the pleasure.. fair enough I guess. But how come it has to last so long? And, why is life sometimes like a rollercoaster? How come you have to feel periods of awful pain and then life will all of a sudden change direction.. and it makes you so happy. If happiness is so great, and we all strive for it- why don't we ever get happiness that lasts? What changes it when we get it? What makes it go away?? Do we drive it away? I dont understand. I dont understand life.. but then again, who asked me to?
Did you ever think, that someone so close to you, could possibly ever leave your side? The person who you just thought without a doubt, no matter what happened and no matter what you went through, no matter how close or far apart you are from them.. you just kind of knew, theyd always be there for you. And then they leave!!! And it seems like, it was all some kind of lie. Everything up until the point of their departure was fake. The words they said were fake. The smiles they gave you were fake. The things they did for you were just lies. They never meant a word, they never had good intentions, it was just a cover. I hate it all because you start to believe in that person and then they let you down. And you wish they didn't let you down because it was the one thing that kept you going. But when they do, and you survive it; you realize that you have more to live for than one person. One person; who fucked you over. That one person is such a small person when you compare - there are over six billion people on the planet for us to meet. Yet that one person, that one single person meant so much. And you still don't want them to go, even when they tear your heart apart, and screw with your mind and they make it so you cant concentrate on anything other than them. I think it's on purpose, but i could never be sure. Because I really don't think that anyone that special would want to hurt anyone on purpose, right? It just hurts to think about what could have been, and how much of an impact one person can have on my life! One person. I mean, other people have hurt me, and Ive lost other friendships and relationships and all of that, but when it actually happens to you- no matter how many times it happens.. you never get used to it. It's surprising everytime. You never see it coming, even when you expect it. I expected this to happen, honestly. I knew it wasnt going to last long like we had hoped for -- but it helped to hope. Because then I knew it wasnt just wasting my time. I dont think anything between me and this person was a waste of time. And, its never going to be completely over. He will be in my life for much longer, I wont forget him and I really hope he doesnt forget me. I hope I wasnt just another girl to him. He was so much more to me, in a lot of ways. But mainly he was my best friend. I told him things I told no one else. Not even my closest girl friends. And he kind of betrayed me in a lot of ways, but you know, when you put sooo much trust into someone that you forget about whatever they did, to fuck anything up! Because you believe so hard in what they can do for you and why you are keeping them around? Well if there is anything I learned..I don't do well in relationships. I am hot tempered and I am one to assume. I never ask for the truth, but there is a reason for that. I trust the people I get my information from, I trust my best friends. I need to learn a lot of things still but I guess that is what life is aboutright? Learning.. I dont knoww.
No longer will I pursue guys. I will let them do all the chasing, all the hunting or whatever other word that could be used to describe what they do. Not only is it stressful and tiring trying to get the guy - most likely if you are doing all the persueing,they wont want you anyways! I know the guy I would like, but instead of throwing myself at him, i will give him subtle hints that i am very much so interested in him - and if he doesnt take the hints, he is either too dumb to get them or just not interested in me. Either way, I guess its his loss (not to sound cocky, but its so true!) The thing is, im not a player or a slut or anything like that. But I like to keep my options open and Im not too sure if that is good or bad. I dont want to give any wrong impressions or say the wrong things or anything!! I want to make good impressions and say good things, and make him smile and everything. I just dont know how hard it is gonna be to get me to work up the courage to do whatever it is i plan on doing. i dont even know.
Second day of school, and already I'm so pumped for the rest of the year.. minus the school work. I can not wait until this weekend. Grand Bend with the folks and maybe a little shopping and stuff! And then sometime next week my aunt sally is going to new york and buying me some things so im so incredibly excited about that. my Hollister things should be in soon! At least by Monday or Tuesday :) I really kind of want second semester to come, hahah. Oh, today was great though. I hung out with a whole new group of people (well, ive hung out with them before but this time was different) & i went and gave a hug to the guy i like :$ spontaneously :) and he ended up walking me to class which works out perfect! Honestly, i couldnt be any happier than where i am now. Its great.
First day back at school. It was great.. not gonna lie. First class, I sit beside michelle but me and calise usually just chatter up! Second class, business, i sit beside my boy dain! ANd mallory. I don't talk to Mallory. But whatever, I'm thinking about changing seats cause our homeroom teacher is fackin awesome. ANyways lunch was sick, got high. LAST DAY i promise! Pretty sure me and some of those kids are not so close anymore it feels like! So maybe I'll switch groups and chill with other people now instead. English class is fackin sick. I sit beside Amanda, and Sam sits in front ofme. Them boys are behind me making jokes, its all good. Math is probably one of the chillest situations; sit beside Spence and Sam H and Brandon sit right in front of me, we gitter done when it comes to the talkin ahhaha. But overall, today was great. i even bumped into Tim and yanno, im pretty sure we might hit it off.. again.. or maybe sam.. again? Im not sure. Alll i know is , this year is gonna be fackin GREAT.
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