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Well time comes and goes. ive been spending the last hour trying to sort out this damn computer. my iPod has 45 songs on so far, and i wanted to add some more, and it didnt work, beacause as usual the i keep blocked up. the new windows vista is seriosly bad why couldnt i just keep windows XP? why did i have to update?! Oh well i guess that its just my luck, i already have a suckish life as it is. i dont need it to get worse.

Sometimes that's all you need. Just a flash of a thought can change your whole outlook.

I was thinking about something, trying to come to a conclusion and realized that I wasn't able to do that. I told myself that it's probably because my mind is foggy from grief. I'm not myself, I shouldn't try to make up my mind just yet. I need to give myself some time, the "grief filter" isn't allowing me to think right.

In that moment I realized that the talk I had with Bear the night before was a total mistake! I was completely wrong to blame him for what went wrong in the bedroom. I had used words�like, "always" and�"never", that's�totally unfair.�I'm just not myself these days, I'm going through a very sad thing and it's normal to have an affect on my intimate life. I didn't see that at that time but I do now. I said some things to him that hurt him and I was wrong, it was my fault that I wasn't satisfied.

I needed to�share this with�him, he listened and forgave me. The honesty between us has always been there but here and now I find it amazing that there is still the ability to grow.

why is it when women bring up kids alone there just another single parent family� but when a man brings up his kids alone their a super hero .this is just one thing that has got on my wick this week well that and the stupid amounts of money they pay dim wits to kick a football round a pitch for 90 mins .you dont see surgeons who save lives every day of the week getting that sort of pay so why do these so called football players get so much money for so little input .the country is on the verge of collapse then these players are all over the place wasting money on crap and tat and cant even control there self when out on the drink every week there is another one in the paper who has hit kicked or worse whhile out on the town .discrace that is what it is i say put them all on no win no fee and cut the wage to min wage like the rest of us poor sods .

So , another monday .. home from work now its Tuesday morning ..I was off last week had to do some work on the computer so it was working right so I could'nt work� on it ... I also was fighting a rough week at work and a cold .. but i'm hoping the next one will be a better one .. oh. yeah and we also had rain for that week so no going anywhere for fun .. the kids like the park and so they didn't get a chance to wear me out there last week .. this week seems better in the weather wise also .. went walking again .. will go again when the we take my daughter to school later on .. everyone can recognise me so easy since I walk and push a double stroller all the time .. so I guess the two boys weight being pushed around can count as part of the work out .. I remember last week I saw something I haven't seen before or else I don't remember seeing it but where I walk at the playground there are alot of seagulls and this one seagull flew over my head and no he didnt poop on me .. but I watched as one of his feathers fell off and just floated to the ground I don't know why it struck me as something weird at the time .. since you do see alot of bird feathers all over the ground but this just floated off his back.. I� guess I was just amazed to realize at that moment I have never seen a bird lose a feather while it was flying over my head ... just a stupid thing to think about I guess but I like to think and write about random things .. and I also change the subject very often that is only because that is the way my brain works ..

Everyday I think it's getting better. I miss my dog but I don't have that painful lump in my throat all the time. Yesterday I went back to work, Pam said I didn't have to but I thought I could. It was kind of hard to concentrate, don't know if that was because of my grief or just because it's been a few months since I've had that much work. Her slow season has ended and it looks promising so far that the first quarter will be good.

I've been really distracted, living inside my head, not feeling like anything matters. Just moving through the day waiting for it to be over.�Over the weekend Barry made me go for a walk with him, I was glad to move around, breath in the cold air, it was good - until�the first time I saw someone walking their dog, oh crap - my first thought - "that dog is gonna die someday and you're going to be as sad as me!"�

Can you imagine how crazy I'd look if I did that? I guess I'll stop thinking thoughts like that in time. Dan told me that one way to get over the loss of a dog is to get another - NO WAY! Not ready for that!! I've wished (before Radar died)�we could have another�dog, one that is small/doesn't shed/can sit on your lap but as�much as I thought I wanted that then, I don't want it now.�I'm just so sad, every dog just reminds me of that Radar is gone and he isn't ever coming back. How�I feel when I�remember�how he looked at me that last night, how he tried to follow me out of the vets office.�

I know it's going to be ok, there's no way around this, I have to go through it, I�can, I will feel better...�

I've been traped for so long in memories of him, but now... Im letting go. It feels great to let go, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel as if I could fly, and nothing can hold me back. Its like freedom all over again, to breathe without hesitation, for the first time. Im letting go and�Matt cant do anything to stop me the only thing I can do now is to keep walking forward, and not glance back on what used to be.

I've made a new rule for myself, dont wonder what could have been and spend preciouse seconds on what I could have done to prevent him from leaving. So I look forward to a fresh start, and know that God will help me every step of the way, all I have to do is trust him. I once heard that God gives us opsticals to over come so that we are ready for the future. And�I believe it, because everyday is a special day, God gives us messages everyday, all you have to do is pay attention and you will see them.

So now Im free of Matts memories, a new start, clean slat, whatever you wish to call it. So now I look forward eagerly to a new day to see what God has planned for me.

I thank BellaLuz17 for helping me to forget about Matt, I feel so much better thank-you!