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uns3ttl3d 38, Female, New York, USA - 57 entries

Dec 2006
2:12 AM EDT

life is just one big fucking guilt trip and its forced and its inevitable and my mind wont stop thinking about the most trivial things and blowing them out of proportion. hi, this is me. i am self loathing. i hate myself and the world i live in. i live in a fucked up society that discourages people from being original. everything is fucked up and i take it upon myself to think that i can actually do something to help that when i really can't. and i feel guilty. i feel anxious. i feel unhappy. isn't living supposed to be about being happy and feeling good? i mean sure theres obstacles but i havent felt happy for years. this new year marks the point in my life where ive never felt more cynical. i could end my life right now without remorse or thought or tears or any sense of emotion because life really does suck and it never gets better for me because my mind is fucked and i cant get myself to enjoy anything ever. its me against the world and im going to lose. i mean i wont do it because my brother took his own life last august and i wouldnt want to put my family through that pain again. but seriously life is so fucked up. i want to be perfect but my mind isnt wired that way. no one's mind is wired that way. i want to enjoy life but the only thing that i really enjoy is sleeping when im able to which isnt too often and eating but that in turn makes me fatter and unhappier so im fucked either way. so all that really leavesis drugs and alcohol. either or im going to die anyway. might as well embrace it. dont get phased by anything. and dont worry because you're screwed either way. i wish i could feel. i wish i had emotions. i wish i had a sexuality. i wish i had at least a slight sense of self. i wish i was secure but in this world i question everything and trust nothing. its hard. its very hard.

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lmm27295 44, Female, New York, USA - 15 entries

Dec 2006
12:55 PM EDT

I don’t feel like I can even be around you or you be around me w/ fam, friends, etc. or even discuss things with you b/c no matter what it is, it is always thrown back in my face. When I was hanging out w/ Chandra a lot more it would be stuff dealing with Chandra and now that we are around my fam more, it is issues w/ my fam. It is a pattern. I don’t even want to tell you things that are going on half the time for the fact of how u might use it against me. Like for example, I have been thinking about going back to sch this fall but I didn’t want to tell you b/c if I was to decide not to go how you would treat me over it. I am tired of the money issue being thrown in my face, you were the one hell bent on buying a house when we did, I was fine staying in the apt a little longer and you knew my income situation when we bought the house, I discussed it with you more than once, and I also told you I did not want to buy the house if $ was going to be an issued and you reassured me we would be fine and look where we are at. I don’t hardly shop anymore at all and you still will find anyway you can for there to be some issue, ALWAYS. I need a new pair of shoes for work so bad, the ones that I mostly wear are like 7 yrs old and the other pair that I have, I have had several yrs and they kill my feet but I have not bought any for the fact of the $ and you b***hing about it and saying that I was spending you money. It hurts my feelings to no end that Tyler’s mom can say what ever she wants to, to you and you act like it is no big deal but I say something you don’t like and you go all to hell and treat me like royal crap and say anything you can to hurt my feelings. I don’t care about the excuse “well I don’t have to live w/ her.” It doesn’t make a damn, you should want things to be better w/ me b/c u r living w/ me. Also, she never worked when u 2 were together and u pd the bills but I work full time and sometimes part time and pay my 1/2 of our bills and all you do is give me grief about $???? And as far as the wedding, you have not contributed to the wedding. My parents are paying for my part as well as yours and have not once complained b/c they care about it that much. I cannot even get you to call your father about the tux. I have to tell him. This is important to me. This is my first time. But you act like it kills you to do the PL on ebay to help mom pay for the wedding. And I bring up that I have saved for the honeymoon and you just go ape s**t and bring the bills up again. Ok, I would much rather sit at my computer, in my home, clicking some buttons then have to drive an hr, after working all day, to work a part time job, and then drive an hr home, and get home at 10:30 and have to go straight to bed to get up and do it all over again. I am tired of the way things are. I am tired of them not changing for the better. I am not happy at all. I am tired of the fact that I cannot even get a hug from you w/o you grabbing all over me. I am just not happy anymore. The “I’m sorrys” are not working anymore. They are empty words. It would be different if when it was said things would get better. You say all the time the fighting needs to stop but what is actually being done to make things better. I am tired of blaming myself when it is not all my fault. I am always the one saying “I know I’m not perfect” or ”I know there are things I have got to work on” etc when you never come to me saying those things. You only try to find ways to blame instead of trying to change to make things better. I am not doing it anymore.

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lmaclao 41, Female, Arkansas, USA - 6 entries

Dec 2006
11:44 AM EDT

christmas was nice....i spend it with the family my mother came to visit both my sister and i from maryland. She liked it here and she is happy that we are getting along and good on our own. I was sad that she had to leave so soon and that she could not spend more time with us mostly for my sister because she is only 15 and need a mother figure even though she has me her big sis. well even though everything else went ok and we eat, dance, laugh, singed and i got a little bit tipsy but well that is how we panamanians party for christmas.

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lovesu123 31, Female, Georgia, USA - 3 entries

Dec 2006
11:38 AM EDT

my family r all sad my parents are seppperated and i hate it!but i am to mad at my dad for all the things he has done to this familey its all because my grandma drank alot but she is so sweet now but my dad still struggles with a temper i hate it sometimes i wish i was some one else if u have an idea that will halp me with all my troubles leave a comment telling me what i should try or do!

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1 comment(s) - 04:54 PM - 12/28/2006

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cio 38, Female, California, USA - 6 entries

Dec 2006
10:01 PM HNE

and i dont have job cus i m doing anthing some one said to meh like mom like daugther no future i have no piece of my heart i dont keep saying that im no peice of my heart and jealouse i knoe by myself need to start not any one close to meh so just tell what way im going to do yeah always ruined my life every day every nigth so i dont knoe

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cio 38, Female, California, USA - 6 entries

Dec 2006
9:55 PM HNE

im cio i been having problem with meh cus im so boring i have no boyfrend,no frends,im so jealouse i dont knoe what im going to do

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susieana 37, Female, California, USA - First entry!

Dec 2006
3:52 AM PST

I have an reading announcement to make. ahemm, i'm new to Inbox Journal but i will RARELY post any public journals. have a nice day thank you

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buttercup68 57, Female, Canada - 15 entries

Dec 2006
3:33 PM MST

Boxing day ! The crowd and the traffic is horrible. I would have loved to go bargain hunting but I knew I need to spare my credit card this time. I don't need new clothes or any electronics. Don't need it. Want it, yes ! Of course. Who doesn't want to throw out my old TV and replace it with a 42" plasma and install a sensoround sound system ?? Or go splurge on new clothes and accessories ?? Gotta wake up. This lifestyle I cannot afford. Am a single mom. But before I wallow in self-pity, I'd better remember and count all my blessings. There's millions of people like me who eek out a living ... but only a few who feels so blessed much much more than millionaires. That feels better.

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blue4u 48, Female, Louisiana, USA - 6 entries

Dec 2006
6:20 PM EDT

today was such a long dull day ,thank god every day isnt the same.life is unpredictable some good some bad.if you was like me it would be80% bad . I know I,m a good person but why was I dealt the hand I was???????? IS there really a reason for EVERYTHING???? all I really want is just to be an average person with an average life but I guess then I would want to be an unaverage person running buck wild without a care in the world

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uns3ttl3d 38, Female, New York, USA - 57 entries

Dec 2006
5:35 PM EDT

What is a true fact? WHen you come to think of it there is a certain amount of truth to everything. Same thing goes opposite way. THere is always something there to deceive you. It's somewhat like a ratio. And these all abide to every 'known fact' to man. I think God's greatest gift to mankind is the ability to think and to question. WHy go along with what the rest of the world is thinking and doing without any questioning to yourself as to why you are doing everything in a set and standard way without thinking it through your own way first? Always thinking...always questioning. It certainly drives me to a point of some degree of insanity but that's what makes me who i am. I think to a degree me intelligence and ability to question has been channeled into the wrong direction and all the energy has gone stale to the point i end up at dead ends everywhere i go. but i will keep fighting. i will keep questioning. i feel like everything simple in life is a metaphor for something much greater...everything takes place in patterns. everything takes place in extracted patterns, so complex and so commonly occuring to the point we just ignore it and it goes by and dies. we need to grasp that opportunity to sit there and think what nobody else has ever thought of before. we need to cease it and make meaning of it, because who else will? we are given the ability to be different. different in many many ways. some subtle differences...others much larger. we experience everything differently from one another. we are all so similar but completely different from one another, so why bother to conform into the identity and ideas of others when you are destined to become someone and something else? perhaps destiny doesnt exist. that is because one, for the most part, is in charge of their own destiny. man creates his own destiny. sure there are a given amount of circumstances that may perhaps interfere with that, but one must live their own destiny. not the destiny of others. embrace your differences. embrace them because that is who YOU are and no one else can take that from you. And so this is why i believe it is best to obliterate one's inhibitions. To never commit to one mindset and always remain open minded. To never allow oneself to censor one's thoughts. Denial and restraint only keep us from confronting the truth. THe truth of what, i do not know. Just the one and single truth that deep down in the backs of our minds and hearts and souls that we are dying to know. The world that lies beyond the physical...whether it exists or not. Whether you abide by a certain religion in which you found great comfort to rely on, as if it were some kind of crutch to keep you from questioning. From being cynical. See, i dont understand why being cynical and negative is so bad because it, at least for me, keeps me thinking more about 'facts' and knowledge and truth i come up with based upon my own life and my own mind and my own thoughts, not those of others. It's called logic. It's called one's own set of beliefs derived from who they are, not what others believe. I am a cynic. I am a constant questioner. I am null, i am void, i am weird. I dont get why people are so offended if they are ever labeled with the term 'weird'. Id rather be myself then be 'normal'-code-following what everyone else believes and mimicking all their actions instead of being my own true self. Essentially being labeled 'weird', even though labels and generalizations and categorizing a unique individual into a dumbed down subject is something of which i am strongly opposed, is something that one should embrace openly because all it really means is that you are being yourself. You are doing things your way. You are living your life and thinking with your own mind. And as for my view of emotions...having been a highly emotionally sensitive person my entire life all i can say is that the improper amount of emotions usually if not always ends up in depression. Emotions are just the "hearts" defense mechanism. They tell you how you yourself can relate and trust other people, other things, insludimng yourself. but there is one major drawback. all emotions, or at least most, are irrational. they keep you from thinking realisticly. they keep you from achieving things. they hold you back. they are rooted from irrationality. Irrationaly took my brother's life, and it continually threatens my own. Therefore i have come to the conclusion that, for my own sake, i will be as emotionless as i can. i will become a brick wall. i will be a zombie. i will not care. i will not cry. i will only think with all emotions set aside. i want the raw truth. i just want the fucking raw truth. behind existence and behind all things. people and relationships tend to interfere. sure i am about to drive myself to the point of insanity...but i'd rather go this route that live s predestined life of a 'normal' person. its just not for me, you see? it's just not for me. i just want to be free.

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