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nodeadends 19, Female, New York, USA - 29 entries

Aug 2007
10:12 AM EDT

I wonder where god is right at this very moment, he must be on a long vacation. I have tried contacting him many times, via prayer and all I get in return is dead silence. I have to find something do with my time, Iam bored and frustrated. Everybody wants to get fucked, when will they get it that Iama person not just an object. I hated being treated like this especially from Curtis. It is as if he just doesnt give a damn.

I wonder if I will ever get married hell who would want to marry someone who is so scattered, emotionally that is. Work day is almost over yeah. More shit to stress about. I dont know how the property manager is going to take it whenI tell her that I cant come up with the security deposit in full. I called the house not too long ago and zay wasnt there thank God. School is coming up for the boys and I dont know what is going to happen. Whether I can afford their school supplies and sneakers. This job is ending and I need to have a plan in motion. I feel like such a failure, my english teacher played me. She clearly told me if I completed the required projects I would pass..... then the bitch gave me an "f". I sent her a nasty email, she can kiss the crack of this red ass that's what she can do for me.

Damn I am one angry bitch! I embrace it lol. On a serious not it is quite lonely being me. People usually misjudge me, I am so use to this, they dont take the time to get to know me. Church is going fine, nocomplaints. I dread going home but there is no other alternative. I have no friends, most people cant be trusted I feel. It not easy being me. maybe I will take some anger management classes again, third time is a charm right? I have been searching on line for resources to help me with s.s.a. or myshameful little secret.

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scarlett 36, Female, Bahamas - 161 entries

Aug 2007
9:36 PM EDT

i don't need anyone else. i must be self-sufficient, i must be independent. People can always let you down...will let you down. There are so few decent people left. i miss innocence and i miss faith. i miss believing in truth and the fact that good will always triumph over evil. I even miss the idea of good and evil being separate entities. They're not even two sides of a coin, or yin and yang. They're the world in shades of grey, devoid of true black or white.

aaahhhh, im so confused! people suck, i love people. im a people person who hates people. what am i? who am i? who am i asking? am i crazy? i think i might be losing my mind. i dont want to be depressed again.

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abrown155 37, Female, Texas, USA - 2 entries

Aug 2007
7:06 PM CDT

My Mom, just had her surgery-- it went wonderful. I am happy that it was a smash. But I am getting worried about how I am going to be getting to work and now with school coming up, I dont know whats going to happen. How it is going to play out! And I dont like that feeling. I like to be in control of everything, in my life. But I know I can't control it.

My bother, on the other hand, seems very depressed.You can tell in histoneof voice. But I am still mad at him-- It can be very hard to be mad at him when he is so sad. For the break up of his girlfriend after 2 years. I really thought he was going to marry her. I think he thought so to. I dont know! I just have so much STRESS. I just need to write it all down. But I have had so many of these thingy, blogs-myspace-tagworld- ect.

Well it is about 12:04am here, and I had a busy day taking care of my mom at the hosptial. So I am going to try and get some sleep. Bye

Amy

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berries7cinnamon 38, Female, Singapore - 20 entries

Aug 2007
8:59 AM EDT

I finally finished the manga series: Love Monster.

There's a total of 12 volumes and it's quite fun to read at first. I find it all very amusing. It's still interesting as the story progressed, but I find the ending rather... insuffcient.

Nothing much was revealed about Osora Hiyo's dad. The reason why he was so powerful was because he's a monster god. The most ancient monster god.

I still don't really know what kind of monster is the principal.

I don't understand about Kuro's mother and her sister. They are... a mystery.

Heian seemed to know more than he let known. And... how does he knows stuff?

Maybe it's because of bad translation, some parts doesn't really make sense. Or it just simply means that my chinese sucks; I can't read very well which is a fact.

Overall, it's not a bad story.

I love Kuro. Judith love Heian. We love bad boys! Haha...

Tags: Love Monster, manga

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lovealways 34, Female, California, USA - 7 entries

Aug 2007
8:44 AM PST

well my boyfriend and i didn't go to the mall yesterday, we were suppose to go shopping today since he didn't go to work; but his stepmother wanted him to run some errands for her. he said we will go later on this week. thats all for today nothing exciting really happened.

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martytx07 37, Male, Texas, USA - 53 entries

Aug 2007
5:25 PM CST

Alright, where to begin...ok, well this weekend has been crazy! Ok, so auditions in "Dallas", really Irving, were held today and we went at 4 in the morning. My step-cousin ended up not coming, that bitch! Anyways, this isn't about her of course, it's about moi! There were so many people there that could sing. It was really, really amazing how great some of these people were and for some of these great singers to not make it was just sad. I know 100% that I'm not a good singer. If I could get one wish I think that would be to become just an okay singer. I wouln't care if I couldn't pursure a career, I just would like to be able to sing. There's always YouTube, haha. So anyways, it took forever and a day to finally get my audition and what do you know, I made it :) Out of the four that were with me, one being my cousin, I was the only one who made it. I can't wait to meet the judges in September. I know, I had no idea how difficult it was to go through the process. Anyways, we were at the stadium for like ten hours. It was freaking crazy and living in Texas...it was fucking hot! Hot like a fucking bitch. Sorry for all the cursing but words cannot express how hot and uncomfortable it was in the stadium. From what my family told me after watching the news, only 400 out of the 15,000 that auditioned are going to be able to perform for Randy, Simon, and Paula. OMG, Simon is going to make me freaking cry :( I know I'm not gonna get pass that round but I don't give a crap. I'm gonna get what I wanted. So anyways, that's all I have to say right now. Oh, and if you ever try to audition for idol, take my advice. Sing bad! If you sing bad you have more a chance of makingit to the next round. There weren't many bad singers. Out of all those people, probably like, I don't know, a few were bad and these (myself included) are the ones that they want for TV. Sing bad for the producters and then get pass them and then sing well for the judges. Easy as that. So anyways, I'm gonna go and yeah, I will talk to you all later.

Tags: American Idol Dallas Audition

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dunamis 55, Male, Australia - 96 entries

Aug 2007
4:33 PM WST

Loved the movie "as it is in heaven" saw it with macca and janne on friday.

I loved it on a whole lot of levels. Daniel a world class conductor with six years of bookings hat hit the pinnacle of his career but collapses out of sheer exhaustion. He goes to live in a tiny village in northenr sweden - the place where he grew up but left because of bullying. Obviously Daniel was burned out and recovering. I thought his decision to do that was awesome. He walked away and went to find solace, to reflect, to find himself. He went on a pilgrimage to discover who he was and perhaps to cathartically put the broken pieces of his life together.

He was driven by something not quite pure. He claims to be driven by a desire to create music that opens people's herats and that is tru, but there is also something else driving him. Something more dark. Is it a desire to prove himself? undoubtably. There is always a mixture that drives us of the noble and ignoble.

I loved how he got involved with a group of people that on the surface looked happy and contended with their lot in life only to scratch below the surface and find amazing levels of disfunctionality. Arne the entrepreneur who uses people for his own ambition. Who makes others the butt of his own jokes for his own pleasure.

Fridholm tThe fat guy who cops it for 30 years but in an environment of safety and openness is able to get off his chest in possibly quite a healthy way his feelings about being taunted and teased all those years.

Daniel learns the importance of not just performing, he learns the importance of coffee. He learns how to unlock the sound of people's lives by building relationships between them to pull down the barriers. He addresses barriers in their relationships so they can truly be one and make a harmonius sound that ultimately in the end does unlock the sound of heaven and is the music that opens people's hearts. It's the music of love, openness, transpareency, healing and wholeness.

Gabriella's story is moving. She recieves moral support from the choir and is able to keep singing despite the abuse at home. She finds the strength through the group and by unocking her own worth and value to a point where she can refuse being treated as worthless. She finds her own victory and confronts her fear with the support of others and is able to terminate her relationship and press charges. We rejoice with her.

The insecure pastor and his religiosity is very confronting. This guy is hugely in bondage to a sin focussed gospel. He is a legalist through and through. He himself is trapped in his own sin which makes him even more angry with sin. He is familiar with the defeat of darkness which fuels his drive to stamp it out. Siv catches his morality out of control. It's a behavior modification religion. His wife though is dying inside. Even though they have sex (with the help of the porn) there is no soul connection, no real intimacy, except when his dirty secret is out in the open. He lets himself go, drops the religious facade and experiences true intimacy with his wife, but 24 hrs later he is repenting for it. He shatters her with denial - "it never happened". He lost control. He gave into passion. A good christian is never supposed to give in to emotion and the passions of the "flesh" and experiencing such pleasures is unholy. This is the thornbush of the religious who think God came to stop us from enjoying life. Nothing could be further from the truth. Jesus came to give life - abundant and full. His wife shuts down and develops some kind of psychosis and burns out. She can't handle the mind control and the spiritual abuse. It has raped her soul one time too many. She turns to the group as dysfunctional as it is, it is not religious (it even has sodom and gomorrah there - lena's friends) and oddly enough it is healthy because people can explore how they feel without being judged or rejected. There is healing there.

Lena is the beauty of the movie, not because she gets her gear off, but because her personality shines. She herself continually gets broken, but is resilient. Somehow she manages to process (cry) her bad stuff. She has no parents and seems to be driven into relationships to find love and securit. She makes bad choices, the last of which was to fall in love with a married man who had kids who was never going to make her happy. He breaks her heart. But she has a heart of god. She's not complicated slightly quirky but she seems to accept herself and knows herself. She is able to love and protects the autistic Tory and loves him even when he shits himself (as Arne puts it).

ï¿½

She is the one who draws Daniel out from his bunker. He too has lost both his parents, father as a boy and mother as an adolescent. He has been bullied as a child and never gotten over it.ï¿½He has withdrawn into his identiy as a musician which defines him. He hides behind his gift and success - it's all he has. But he is confronted by humanity, by acceptance, by love. He is embraced not necessarily because of what he can do, but the villagers see beyond the fame and the talent (they wouldn't know talent if it whacked them up the side of the head) and see a quiet shy fragile man. Lena knows that Daniel is racked with fear but draws him out nonetheless. She helps him get in touch with his emotions, to recognise them, to confront his fear of loving and maybe losing again just as he had his parents. Love is dangerous like a two edged sword that cuts both ways and he knows it.

ï¿½

Ultimately Daniel again breaks down under the pressure of performance, but the choir sings the music that opens the heart, that brings heaven to earth. As he listens bloodied and bruised after a heavy fall in the restroom his heart is opened by music which he helped to create and he finds redemption. His heart is healed, he finds the boy in him who was lost - a buried fractured part of his life and past and reconciles with him. He finds the way to comfort the tormented, abused and ï¿½and abandoned boy and holds him in his heart.

ï¿½

The song that he wrote for gabriella becomes his song. He's able to fly again.

The pastor confronted by his complete inability to live under the religioun of rules is humbled and he wants to try again.

Daniel and Lena fall in love and new life begins.

Tags: as it is in heaven, movie

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lilmama 32, Female, South Dakota, USA - 4 entries

Aug 2007
4:10 PM EDT

To my dad,

Daddy I love you and I miss you so much ma said your court date is comin up soon so good luck. Dad there is so much I wanna tell you but I cant cause I'm scared you'll tell ma and she can't know not now anyway. Dad me and Cory are going to get married, we decided if you can't be there when it happens Jerry will give me away (that is if he wants to) cause hes the closest thing I have to you right now. And I told Cory when I turn 18 we are going to come to the cities for the weekend and I'm going to come see you, cause thats all I want for my 18th birthday, and yea I know its still a while away shit 4 years but still just thought I would let you kow now cause only god knows when I will get to tell you this next, but I g2g before so one reads this Love ya 4life daddy

Love Always,

Daddys lil Girl

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