When someone let's you down, it's the worst feeling on earth.
When you're reminded of it, that's just like dying.
Why? ..Most of us want to know why that person did such a thing to us. Simple. Out of sight is truly out of mind. The easiest thing for a person that's embaressed or ashamed, or one that has a very low self-esteem is to exit. "Escapism". So they turn their back on the mess they made, and just walk away.
Where's Karma? Where's the Universal Law? Where's the Law and the Prophets? I guess I'll never know.
There's a lot I'll never know. It's not like you get to sit back and watch the movie. You kind of have to deal with it as it happens... to you.
So i've signed up for another journal/blog/diary thing. I could've used my old account in livejournal but i feel that it's time for something new. Welcome to inboxjournal.. lol.
Right now, i'm looking for employment again. It frustrates me now how I can't seem to stay in any job. Ever since I've moved to toronto about 4 months ago, i've worked these stupid jobs such as telemarketing, telephone surveying (at 3 different places), customer service at a photograhy establishment, and inbound call centre. since i'm such a picky little twit, none of these jobs ever worked out for me because i'm always finding something wrong with every job. what the hell can i do now?? i'm not getting any luck so far. I'm still waiting to really find the perfect job.
I've been staying up really late recently. i shouldn't keep doing this. Must... get... back... to............. normal.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!� Another year,� THANK YOU GOD, for this year.� I can't believe I have� lived 3 years longer than my first husband.� He died when he was 30.� Sometimes I miss him so much still, which is wierd becaues I am remarried.�
Cory is gone, out of town working,,, weeks of no husband SUCKS!� So, thankfully I have a great mom, who lives close enough to surprise me.,, She brought me starbucks, flowers and donuts to my at work, and then took us out to supper,,,and even brought a lil' carrot cake to supper.� I love my mommy!�
THANK YOU LORD!
theres so many things that i'dd say if i werent afraid
if i werent afraid
theres so many times that i'vve missed my chance to explain
my chance to explain
all of the feelings i have kept
under the rug and table set
�
That's all! This summer had ended, but I can't say, that I'm upset about it. It was maby the best time in my life...but now...more meeting with friends, more work for me
My love...I don't understand anything about him and about me. I's very hard for me? but I can't sat, that I've dissapointed in him.I want to see him,hug and kiss, but...another question:what wants he.
Keri Welsh got married last night.� That was interesting seeing as though it's the first time one of my friends' kids got married.� I saw my good friend as "mother of the bride".� Wasn't it just yesterday that MY mother was "mother of the bride"?� I sat there and waited for Holly's grand stand.� I waited for her to lead all of us to our feet.� As ritual would have it, she stood first to see her baby entering the sanctuary in sparkling white satin, the same type of dress Holly and I had drempt about for years before we took�our own�monumental stride down the aisle.� The bride was beautiful, exhuberant, stunning.� That was me...just yesterday.� That was Holly...just before me.� It was a deep realization for me as I scanned the bridesmaids, their hair, the dresses;� I�am no longer a part of that crowd.� I am someone else now.� That part of my life is over...the part where you wear the uncomfortable, take a loan out for dress that is disposable.� I, however, have put those crumpled things to use in my girls' dress-up box.� I critiqued the bridesmaids' hair knowing they had paid a good sum of money for the updo that no one really noticed except their significant others and matronly women who had once or several times been in the same position.� I thought about how I made my own bridesmaids wear a red taffeta, tea length in the front, long in the back gown that I KNOW they never wore again.� It made me cringe.� But then my thoughts drifted back to Holly.� I watched her smile as the bride giggled when she placed the groom's ring on his�wrong finger.� I watched Holly delicately light Keri's candle.� I think that's an odd ritual seeing as though it represents Holly as the one who gave Keri her light at birth and that act of childbirth is so much more than a simple lighting of a candle.� Only a mother can know what I mean.� I watched Holly as she watched the scene unfold before her.� A mother guides, directs, loves, leads, weeps, labours, frets,�teaches for years and years, from the lighting of the candle until the day she dies and here was my friend watching, just watching.� Once an active participant in Keri's life, once the one everyone turned to when dealing with Keri.� And now Holly sits and watches her baby�leave her side and cleave to�a man who will provide and guide and take Keri under his wing.� I couldn't help but think of me and my own babies.� I couldn't help but think about my mother and how she sat and watched.� I spied Holly's mom take an even lesser role in the whole affair.� Yesterday she moved from "mother of the bride" to .......� Is there a title for her?� Her role was one I have yet to relate to.� I am years away from that.� I could see myself through Holly, but not her mother.� And then it hit me.� Soon, very soon, in the blink of an eye, I will move to that role.� Beautifully, though, years of the past feel like they transpired yesterday but the years of the future never feel like they will transpire tomorrow.� I can bask in the delight of believing those years are actual years away.� And I am reminded of my role, my current role where I am still guiding, directing, loving, leading, weeping, labouring, fretting and teaching.� I am reminded that my role is no�easy task.� I am reminded of the work set before me.� I am reminded that what I do and have done will one day�be represented by the simple lighting of a candle but by no means can that small act even begin to signify all that has transpired.
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